Slightly embarrassing question~
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Marguerite
Active Member
Jo (sorry Star, getting serious gain for a minute) - a neighbour of mine with whom I often discussed things medical/sexual, once expressed a theory to me about prostate trouble. He felt that a lot of male prostate trouble especially prostatic hypertrophy and prostate cancer was connected to the men "not getting any" or "not getting enough" especially in middle age. He explained it in immunological terms- the sperm get produced and have to go SOMEWHERE. If they don't eventually "get outside" then they get resorbed, usually in the region of the prostate. Because they're genetically haploid, the body may respond to the sperm as to foreign invader (especially since sperm are designed to invade cells; egg cells, anyway) and that over time this produces an inflammatory response leading to prostate enlargement etc.
There is also the connection that in a bloke who is extremely self-conscious about sexual issues, he's not going to be comfortable about seeking medical help about something so intimate.
My brother was a fairly sexually active creature, from conversations I've had with him and his wife. Not lately though - he had prostate cancer and because he had to WAIT for URGENT surgery to remove it, they had to eventually take more than they would have (he was waiting 18 months!). He now has no sexual function and poor bladder control - he wears adult nappies. But apart form the nuisance factor, it's not bothering him too much. He would like to get the next stage of surgery done to tighten up the damaged muscles so he has more control again, but they won't do it while he has active bladder infections and these won't go away while he has a weak bladder. Catch 22. The father in law situation may have also been something like that.
Your husband wouldn't have wanted his father's weakness to be noticed. Parents are by definition asexual. They do not excrete.
Also bear in mind - to someone brought up so repressed, women are not trusted especially where sex is concerned. It's almost a mirror image to the impression a lot of women have, about men. Think about all the really old sex joke books you may have seen (I have a few cast-offs from decades ago, the ancient history is fascinating and not a little disturbing). A lot of these jokes describe the women as always enjoying sex (or at least accepting it) from anybody, always lying to their partners about it and always out to catch their partners either drunk, having sex illicitly (usually with the barmaid or the secretary) and always stealing money form their husband's wallet to go shopping for a new dress or new hat. They hate their husbands playing golf and love it when they mow the lawns and move the furniture while they do nothing more than polish their nails.
Back when I was working full-time, my boss was one of these men (who grew up with those concepts of women). For him to have given me the job at all (very male-dominated department, a very male job) was remarkable. But I had to act like a male or I would get yelled at. A nasty co-worker of mine (sociopathic) would get me upset and while I was teary, would then call in the boss to adjudicate. Of course the boss always sided with the co-worker, because a crying woman is being manipulative, in his mind.
Once I worked out what was happening I was better able to defend myself. And the boss wasn't totally unsympathetic to tears - he came across me having a quiet cry in a corner one day and gave me a silent hug before walking away again (he knew the cause and could do nothing about it - head of department was a bully and had just yelled at me).
I generally didn't cry at all at work, so I generally got on very well with the boss. Interestingly, one day we were all "on the carpet" being yelled at by him (for problems caused mostly by the sociopath co-worker). I began to ask for guidelines on how we should proceed from here, but my voice was croaky. He attacked immediately. "And you're worse than the rest of them!" he began.
"Hang on," I said (croaked). "I'm not crying; this is laryngitis. Now what I was asking was this..."
Of course he didn't apologise (he would have had to admit his bias, even to himself) but he answered my question respectfully.
My boss knew I was an honest person and a good worker. But his instincts would kick in and he would react almost at a gut level - a conditioned response formed by years of repressive upbringing and religious education. Yes, he was another Catholic, very Irish in fact.
If your husband is like this, the best defence you have is to make it clear you do not fit the stereotype. This is going to make sex awkward, because in his world women are not supposed to enjoy sex and are certainly not supposed to initiate it. It was OK for me in the workplace because I was as obviously asexual as I could be, refusing all advances (and there were plenty). I did find though, that if I wore make-up the blokes (especially the sociopath) stopped seeing me as a threat and let me get on with my job. The rumour went round that I was a lesbian, and since it meant they left me alone, I was OK with that.
Can't do that if you're a wife, though.
Serious suggestion - I would be getting some marriage counselling. He needs it too, but probably will refuse to go, especially to a secular counsellor. And unless you can find a particularly enlightened priest (check him out first for his views on the subject of uninhibited sex within marriage and legitimate sexual pleasure) then I would avoid the religious counsellors.
An enlightened priest might be a good option, unless H is lapsed.
OK, that's about the limit of my ideas.
Interestingly, husband rang from work while I was typing this, he was reading the thread also and wanted to talk about it. He said to point out that low testosterone levels do not prevent apparently normal (and perfectly acceptable!) sexual function. We know - because there have been times when his blood levels of testosterone (and other hormones) have been undetectable, and yet I've never noticed any inability to function.
Maybe he's one in 3 billion?
At least I think so.
Marg
Marg
There is also the connection that in a bloke who is extremely self-conscious about sexual issues, he's not going to be comfortable about seeking medical help about something so intimate.
My brother was a fairly sexually active creature, from conversations I've had with him and his wife. Not lately though - he had prostate cancer and because he had to WAIT for URGENT surgery to remove it, they had to eventually take more than they would have (he was waiting 18 months!). He now has no sexual function and poor bladder control - he wears adult nappies. But apart form the nuisance factor, it's not bothering him too much. He would like to get the next stage of surgery done to tighten up the damaged muscles so he has more control again, but they won't do it while he has active bladder infections and these won't go away while he has a weak bladder. Catch 22. The father in law situation may have also been something like that.
Your husband wouldn't have wanted his father's weakness to be noticed. Parents are by definition asexual. They do not excrete.
Also bear in mind - to someone brought up so repressed, women are not trusted especially where sex is concerned. It's almost a mirror image to the impression a lot of women have, about men. Think about all the really old sex joke books you may have seen (I have a few cast-offs from decades ago, the ancient history is fascinating and not a little disturbing). A lot of these jokes describe the women as always enjoying sex (or at least accepting it) from anybody, always lying to their partners about it and always out to catch their partners either drunk, having sex illicitly (usually with the barmaid or the secretary) and always stealing money form their husband's wallet to go shopping for a new dress or new hat. They hate their husbands playing golf and love it when they mow the lawns and move the furniture while they do nothing more than polish their nails.
Back when I was working full-time, my boss was one of these men (who grew up with those concepts of women). For him to have given me the job at all (very male-dominated department, a very male job) was remarkable. But I had to act like a male or I would get yelled at. A nasty co-worker of mine (sociopathic) would get me upset and while I was teary, would then call in the boss to adjudicate. Of course the boss always sided with the co-worker, because a crying woman is being manipulative, in his mind.
Once I worked out what was happening I was better able to defend myself. And the boss wasn't totally unsympathetic to tears - he came across me having a quiet cry in a corner one day and gave me a silent hug before walking away again (he knew the cause and could do nothing about it - head of department was a bully and had just yelled at me).
I generally didn't cry at all at work, so I generally got on very well with the boss. Interestingly, one day we were all "on the carpet" being yelled at by him (for problems caused mostly by the sociopath co-worker). I began to ask for guidelines on how we should proceed from here, but my voice was croaky. He attacked immediately. "And you're worse than the rest of them!" he began.
"Hang on," I said (croaked). "I'm not crying; this is laryngitis. Now what I was asking was this..."
Of course he didn't apologise (he would have had to admit his bias, even to himself) but he answered my question respectfully.
My boss knew I was an honest person and a good worker. But his instincts would kick in and he would react almost at a gut level - a conditioned response formed by years of repressive upbringing and religious education. Yes, he was another Catholic, very Irish in fact.
If your husband is like this, the best defence you have is to make it clear you do not fit the stereotype. This is going to make sex awkward, because in his world women are not supposed to enjoy sex and are certainly not supposed to initiate it. It was OK for me in the workplace because I was as obviously asexual as I could be, refusing all advances (and there were plenty). I did find though, that if I wore make-up the blokes (especially the sociopath) stopped seeing me as a threat and let me get on with my job. The rumour went round that I was a lesbian, and since it meant they left me alone, I was OK with that.
Can't do that if you're a wife, though.
Serious suggestion - I would be getting some marriage counselling. He needs it too, but probably will refuse to go, especially to a secular counsellor. And unless you can find a particularly enlightened priest (check him out first for his views on the subject of uninhibited sex within marriage and legitimate sexual pleasure) then I would avoid the religious counsellors.
An enlightened priest might be a good option, unless H is lapsed.
OK, that's about the limit of my ideas.
Interestingly, husband rang from work while I was typing this, he was reading the thread also and wanted to talk about it. He said to point out that low testosterone levels do not prevent apparently normal (and perfectly acceptable!) sexual function. We know - because there have been times when his blood levels of testosterone (and other hormones) have been undetectable, and yet I've never noticed any inability to function.
Maybe he's one in 3 billion?
At least I think so.
Marg
Marg
change
New Member
Yes...sadly, some Catholic doctrine is very rigid and the part about sexuality definitely can be. I am Catholic and practicing and have had to counteract some of that "fire and brimstone" stuff from my childhood. It was very damaging. Maybe that's what's going on with your poor husband too. I went to Catholic school (except for 3 of the years) and that made it tougher. I wouldn't discount this explanation for your husbands attitude. (I still have some hang-ups and have to fight them all the time.)
HUGS and lots of respect for your patience with him...
HUGS and lots of respect for your patience with him...
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Jo, you've gotten some great responses here. I can definitely say that it is not about you, so I hope that, at least, gives you some small measure of comfort. Sigh.
P.S. I love your description. It made me chuckle ... stars are aligned, curl your toes, next day a little skip in your step, little annoyances melt away... too cute. And so true. (Well, at least for most people.)
Thanks for making me smile.
P.S. I love your description. It made me chuckle ... stars are aligned, curl your toes, next day a little skip in your step, little annoyances melt away... too cute. And so true. (Well, at least for most people.)
Thanks for making me smile.
hearts and roses
Mind Reader
Thanks ladies (and Marg's Man).
Marg, my H is not a practicing Catholic - in fact, he mostly shuns all organized religion. He claims to be 'one with nature', which is very cool with me, but I can't help but think those old Catholic tapes are running in his head - mostly due in large part from his mother's influences than The Church itself.
Both his maternal and paternal grandfather's had prostrate issues and about a month or so ago, I saw on his computer's history that he had been looking up "testicular lumps". It was right before his physical so I didn't say anything right away. After his physical I mentioned it and he said the DR said he checked out A-OK 'down there' - lol. I asked him if he had any personal concerns and he said no, that he just hit an ad on his homepage...I can't be sure. I think he was fishing.
He seems to like grabbing and peeping under my shirt/nightgown or skirt, so except for the grabbing part, I may just humor him for now and see where it leads. Maybe in his antiquated way of thinking/playing, this is his way of kicking things up a notch?? Oh brother, <eye roll>!!
Thanks again for all the responses.
Marg, my H is not a practicing Catholic - in fact, he mostly shuns all organized religion. He claims to be 'one with nature', which is very cool with me, but I can't help but think those old Catholic tapes are running in his head - mostly due in large part from his mother's influences than The Church itself.
Both his maternal and paternal grandfather's had prostrate issues and about a month or so ago, I saw on his computer's history that he had been looking up "testicular lumps". It was right before his physical so I didn't say anything right away. After his physical I mentioned it and he said the DR said he checked out A-OK 'down there' - lol. I asked him if he had any personal concerns and he said no, that he just hit an ad on his homepage...I can't be sure. I think he was fishing.
He seems to like grabbing and peeping under my shirt/nightgown or skirt, so except for the grabbing part, I may just humor him for now and see where it leads. Maybe in his antiquated way of thinking/playing, this is his way of kicking things up a notch?? Oh brother, <eye roll>!!
Thanks again for all the responses.
totoro
Mom? What's a difficult child?
husband says he is the sensitive one in the house!!! He would cuddle all night and stare into my eyes the next day... and while I feel it, I have a hard time "showing" it. I think because I have some Autistic tendencies or my Bipolar Disorder messes with me. But I am just in my own world and in my head at times. I love him so much and adore him and our "special" time. Wink, Wink... but it is almost as if I have to remember the other parts, the afterwards, the cuddling, the letting him know the next day that it was special. Because it was and is.
He thinks I am weird... But he tries to understand... because we do have ze' passion still! Even after being together 95 years as he puts it! OK only 9 years.
He thinks I am weird... But he tries to understand... because we do have ze' passion still! Even after being together 95 years as he puts it! OK only 9 years.
Marguerite
Active Member
Jo, I just had a wild idea...
If he's grabbing you and sneaking peeks, why not surprise him? Leave off the knickers, and also go full Brazilian. See how he reacts. It's also cooler in summer, more comfortable. If you're completely shaved "Down Under" you also never have to stop and think "How is my bikini line?" when someone suggests grabbing a swimsuit for an impromptu dip in a pool.
And if the thought of hot wax in a delicate area terrifies you, there are some really great (and cheap) gadgets that can do a very effective job painlessly and quickly.
If he asks you why, tell him it's cooler for summer. It really is!
Marg
If he's grabbing you and sneaking peeks, why not surprise him? Leave off the knickers, and also go full Brazilian. See how he reacts. It's also cooler in summer, more comfortable. If you're completely shaved "Down Under" you also never have to stop and think "How is my bikini line?" when someone suggests grabbing a swimsuit for an impromptu dip in a pool.
And if the thought of hot wax in a delicate area terrifies you, there are some really great (and cheap) gadgets that can do a very effective job painlessly and quickly.
If he asks you why, tell him it's cooler for summer. It really is!
Marg
hearts and roses
Mind Reader
If I can get past the embarrassment of getting a brazilian and baring my all for a stranger, I will. I've always wanted to and I've done it myself at home many times, I just don't think it comes out as 'clean' as it would if I had it professionally done. easy child had it done not too long ago - except she had it ALL taken off (ouch).
He's like a sexual camel. When it's happening, it's very good. And I've tried all sorts of 'nets' to snag him, except of course the white go-go Nancy Sinatra boots...lol. Maybe at a thrift shop?
He's like a sexual camel. When it's happening, it's very good. And I've tried all sorts of 'nets' to snag him, except of course the white go-go Nancy Sinatra boots...lol. Maybe at a thrift shop?
and lots of good ideas.. 
Lothlorien
Active Member
This thread is just about crossing the line, here. It's involved sex and religion. 2 of the three "no-no" topics on this site. I'm gonna lock this.
Anymore ideas can certainly be taken to pm.
Anymore ideas can certainly be taken to pm.
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