so really...how do I find the strength

[Steely]

.....to not cower to the rages......to say no every time I need to........to not reward the drama by my attention.......to set the limits, and endure the retaliation?

You have no idea how intense this child's rages are......or how dramatic......or how spiteful his retaliation is. I have bred a monster, who does not know how to set internal limits, and does not believe I will set external ones. How do I start this now? How do I find the strength to do this over and over and over ~ again? Truthfully, it feels as if I just do not have it in me to be consistent and follow through. Truthfully, it feels as if I am ruled by this monster I call my child. I hate it. Sometime I hate him. A lot of times I hate myself. When his medications are adjusted, correct, he is a gem, compliant and sweet. When his chemistry is off, his brain misfiring.......he is out of control. Nonetheless, I need to be able to say "NO" regardless of the balance of his brain. And somehow, I give in, every single, bleeping, time.

 

[timer lady]

Willow,

I don't use the word "no". I do, however, delay or negotiate with the tweedles. And having said that, they are a good deal younger than your difficult child - would he see through it?

Anyway, using that strategy has saved countless hours in rages & meltdown; countless tears shed & crisis calls. I just don't use the word "no".

I'm sorry you're feeling so down about difficult child - we all get in that position. We all look at our children & wonder. We are all brought to our knees at one time or another over the choices or some antic our difficult children bring into our lives.

Time to find a good book or some other fantasy place for the time being. Just let it go for tonight. Get some rest.

 

[BusynMember]

JMO, but if he is seriously chemically imbalanced, why take him on and risk injury or his own self-destruction? He isn't going to "learn" when he is that sick. You see his "real self" when he is stable on medications, and you know he sometimes can't control himself. I don't know the answer, but I wouldn't engage a raging, out-of-control teenager in a battle for control because it could be dangerous. Perhaps you need another medication evaluation from a fresh perspection...a different doctor or a different type of doctor. Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist?
I hope you can find peace and not anger. Remember, as bad as it is for you, it is worse for him. He is probably terrified of himself! One last thing--I'm on Paxil and it's a Godsend to me. However, I know of MANY people who got seriously hyper, even psychotic on it and it's TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE to withdraw from. That could be adding to his behavior. If he is sometimes doing well, sometimes off-kilter then his moodswings around under control. He's on an awful lot of medications...good luck!

 

[goldenguru]

Hi Willow~

My husband is BiPolar (BP). He has occasional rages. They are difficult to endure. I have been dealing with them for about ten years ...

Since your son is 16 I would imagine that he is just too large for you to do anything physically. I wouldn't recommend it.

I would suggest to 'walk away'. Leave the house. Go into a bedroom and shut the door. Don't respond.

IF your son is in danger of self harm ... or if your physical safety is threatened I would call the police or an ambulance. There are no other alternatives.

I had to call an ambulance once. But, I had to do it.

I would talk with your son when he is in one of his 'compliant and sweet' moods and explain your plan of action the next time he rages.

It puts the ball in his court. It provides you with an 'out' in the event that he just can't pull himself together.

doesn't it??

 

[goldenguru]

One more thought Willow ...

When my hubby is moving toward a rage ... and I certainly can recognize the signs... I will often go to the safe and get him one of his anti anxiety medications and hand it to him. He has learned to trust me on this and is usually compliant. Experience has taught us both to try and head off the outbursts before they get totally out of hand. I see your son has Klonapin PRN ... would he be willing to take one when emotions are running high??

Just a thought.

 

[susiestar]

Oh honey, I know the kind of pain you are in. I am sending you a PM.

Hugs,
Susie

 

[busywend]

What are the arguments about?

Have you gotten down to the few things to work on? I found that my difficult child was not learning the lessons I was trying to teach/enforce so I had to pick a few to focus on.
For example, she was very resistant to bathing. So, I did not battle that one (this was after trying for a long time) anymore. It was something I felt would come in time and so I focused our energies on something else.

I always made sure safety was #1 and it was easy to not sway with that one because our lives were at stake.