I don't pretend to always know the answers concerning difficult child and all her 'stuff'. Lately, we've been up against some challenges. If H raises his voice or pushes too hard, it's enough to send difficult child into a tizzy and then I feel like we're going backwards. On the other hand, I don't feel we should be walking around on eggshells and allowing her to get away with crap any other teen wouldn't (which we really don't but at times it seems we're under reacting). Historically, I've always been the disciplinarian and the first contact whenever there is an issue with either girl. I hate to admit it but H is not always available and as much as he's been a supportive, good dad, he's also apprehensive to 'get involved' at times - because of me. I have had a tendency to block a lot of information from him over the years because I know his reactions are out of whack on many levels. We can never tell how he will react - much of his reaction depends on where he is in his head, his mood, etc. Plus, when he's annoyed he tends to fall into the same type of thinking and parenting as his parents did with him which is basically "I'm the BOSS and this is the way it is" and doesn't let a person get a word in edgewise. I've always tried to be a parenting mediator, discussionist, compromiser, and be fair and reasonable. Obviously, there are times when this is ineffective, but for the most part it works for me. So, sometimes I will fill H in on what's going on but he is not a major part of the discussions and disciplining. He has been, just not a lot. So, flash forward to difficult child being 17 and we can see that she's starting to pull some typical teen crap with us. We're standing our ground and she's matured and most of the time she's okay, but it is cyclic as well. She just wants to be out and about with friends. She's just coming off of an episode and we have to watch her, which she hates and she insists that since she's going to counseling we should ease up and not have to know every nitty gritty detail of her day/night. Hmmm, well, last night I told her that I didn't want her going up to the lake alone. She insisted that she's done it before and it's fine. I said no, she said yes and then hung up on me (we were at the food store). Minutes later she left me a voicemail that she is fine and meeting a friend (nice kid) and would be home for curfew. I never got that voicemail, its there, but I never heard the beep last night. So at 11PM, H asks where difficult child is and I said, "At the lake - she went anyway, even though I said I didn't want her to. Maybe I should take away her car for a few days", kind of half joking, because really, I knew she was okay and technically she wasn't late yet. Anyway, H goes off on a tangent about how he's sick of walking on eggshells all the time, worried that he's going to set her off or be blamed for making her spiral downward again. He is right. We hardly ever yell at her or stand firm with her because there is always that fear that she will be set off in a tantrum or spiral into the pit of despair and hurt herself. I had a friend years ago who also walked around on eggshells, still does, because her daughter was always swallowing pills everytime the parents laid down the law. I remember telling her that her daughter was holding her captive and controlling the whole household. By George, I think I've got it! We have to stop pandering to difficult child. I agreed with H last night and we talked about it, but it seems that we're never on the same page when really we are, but we just feel like our hands are somewhat tied. For those of you out there who have finally moved on to the point where you no longer walk on eggshells because you're afraid of your difficult child flipping out or hurting him/herself...how did you move away from that? Merely using detachment with love doesn't seem like enough. I don't want to just drop the ball, but I feel like the only way to get difficult child to move past this part of her life and become a responsible adult it to place some firm demands on her that I KNOW she can handle - like getting a job, continuing her volunteer work with my sister and following the basic rules of our home. If there is a book out there on how to help your kid transition from being a dependent to becoming an independent, responsible adult, please let me know. Or, if it's a matter of just saying it and letting her know without a care for her reaction, then I am scared, but I will do it. I have discussed this with H and we always end up in a fight, when really we do agree, it's just about the methodology that we do not agree. Likewise, I've discussed it with many friends, family and counselors...it's easy for people to tell you what to do, but putting it into practice is not so easy, as we know all too well. So, any thoughts - sorry this is so long, but I needed to really write out my thoughts on this. I'd appreciate any and all feedback.