So very tired

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lonelyone, Feb 27, 2014.

  1. lonelyone

    lonelyone New Member

    Hi everyone. I am a new member. I am in my late 50s and mom to two adult children. My daughter and her partner are parents to a 6 month old baby with another on the way. My son, 22, lives with them. I evicted him from my home well over a year ago. Raising him was very challenging, all the normal things parents do to modify a child's behavior did not work. I could write pages of all that I went through. It wore me out and I am not the same person that I was. I was a single parent due to divorce; my ex chose not to be involved with parenting our children after the divorce.

    Last weekend, I was at my daughters home and found about 30 doses of blotter acid on a table in my son's room. I found this by accident, I was not looking. He was in the room when I found this but pretended that it was just pieces of foil. I took one of the foil packets thinking I could have it analyzed. I knew my son was smoking marijuana and has an addiction to video games; but I was shocked when I found the acid. I believe he is selling this drug.

    My gut response was to report him to the police unless he chose to go to rehab. Apparently he has chosen not to do that, but I have not spoken to him since that day as he will not answer my calls/texts.

    What troubles me even more is that my daughter, 27, thinks I am overreacting and does not want me to report this. My son often cares for her 6 month old baby and I am worried about the risk to her child and to her family. She does not agree with me and we are both upset and not speaking at this time. She and her partner do not use drugs.

    My daughter and her family were planning on moving in with me this summer and staying until her boyfriend finishes college and secures a good job. Right now the way I feel I don't want them to do that. I am bewildered and angered by her response to all of this. How can she not protect her baby?

    I went to an AlAnon meeting two days ago; I have not attended in many years. It was somewhat helpful, but I can only hear half of what is being said as I am hearing impaired now and wear hearing aids. I also cannot drive very far at night due to night blindness so I cannot attend meeting that are not close to me.

    I have become very isolated. I am worn out and sad and lonely. I would never commit suicide, but wish my life would be over soon. I am just so tired.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am very concerned about you. You need to take care of you first and foremost. You are not obligated to take anyone into your home if you feel it is not right for you to do so. I would be worried about the children too.
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you are going through such a terrible time right now. I'm new here too, and reading the posts of other people who are going through similar issues has been so helpful to me, to see that I am not alone. I think you are right in worrying about your grandchildren, that is potentially a very dangerous situation.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome lonely. I am so sorry you are going through this with both of your kids.

    You might find the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here helpful.

    One of the mainstays of life here on the PE side of the forum is learning to detach from our adult kids, their behavior, their choices, their lifestyle all of it. Since your kids are living together and see nothing wrong with their actions there is really little you can do other then call Child Protective Services if you truly feel your grandson is in jeopardy. They are all adults making choices, even if they are poor choices, dangerous choices, they are THEIR choices. What you think of their choices doesn't matter unless you choose to step in to have your grandson removed from their home. Obviously talking to them hasn't worked. If you decide to take that action, then be prepared for the fallout from your kids. It is a hard place to be. I can see that.

    The other choice would be for you to perhaps clearly state your concerns to your daughter, leave it in her hands, detach and then get some professional help for your own well being. Find avenues to learn how to let go of the choices your kids are making................otherwise your life will be about a roller coaster ride you never wanted to be on............

    And, I would make it clear that under these circumstances that you are not in agreement with--- any of them living with you this summer is out of the question. You have a right to change your mind given the issues at hand. I would be very clear about what I want and what I am willing to do and not willing to do and then I would act on those options and practice detachment. You may need some professional support to guide you through to figure out what it is you want and how to proceed.

    Those feelings are normal here.............we can become quite isolated and that is not healthy, you need to connect with others and here is a good place to do that since we can truly understand and have empathy and we will never judge you. We are also all in various stages of being worn out and tired.............this stuff with our kids is exhausting, depleting, agonizing, filled with fear, anger, resentment, sorrow, just massive amounts of pain. I understand that. I personally don't think we can do this alone,we need a lot of help, which is why I always recommend professional support.

    If your son has mental illness you can contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online and they have chapters everywhere. They have excellent courses for us, for the parents to learn tools, to understand, to get resources. You may be able to get help there.

    I would encourage you to step back, get some support for YOU, think this through, if you post your thoughts, we can help you work through some of these issues...............

    Make absolutely sure you take care of YOU. Focus on what you want and need now............take the focus off of your kids and put it on YOU. Get support for YOU. You deserve that, you've been at this a long time. Like many of us here..............we're older, this is not what we want to be doing at this stage of our lives.............keep posting, it helps............we're here if you need us. I'm glad you found us.
  5. lonelyone

    lonelyone New Member

    Thank you all for your responses. I so appreciate the feedback.

    My daughter and her partner just came here to my home to talk about this situation. I ended up asking them to leave. It did NOT go well. I am sitting here shaking and just sick inside.

    My daughter's boyfriend did much of the talking. He was angry. My daughter told me I don't listen. Maybe that is true. I also got angry.

    I don't remember all that was said because I am so upset. Her boyfriend said it is his responsibility to protect his baby daughter, not mine. He said by my taking one of the foil packs of blotter acid from my son's room, I was stealing from my son. He said I had no proof that he was selling the drug or what his intent was. He was shocked that I would consider calling the police on my own family. He even said he had to protect his daughter from me; although I'm not sure why. He said my son had gotten rid of the drugs.

    I have lost my daughter and my son; at least that is what it feels like today in the moment. I do not like my daughter's boyfriend. I think his behavior was very disrespectful.

    I cannot believe it has come to this.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, boyfriend sounds like a slick talkilng con artist. If you feel your grand baby is unsafe you have every right to turn him into child protective services where he will at least then be on the records. I think that's better than the police, although if this boyfriend breaks the law definitely call the cops.

    Actually, if this were me (and I realize it's not), I probably would have called the cops on boyfriend, since he is a risk to this baby. Is it possible, or even something you would be interested in doing, to raise your grandbaby? You may be able to fight for it.

    Rehab won't cure him. He has to WANT to change and it sounds like he is in his drug using manipulative, abusive, I-turn-my-illegal-behavior-on-you mode. I doubt he has any interest in quitting. If your son and daughter and this man are using drugs around your granddaughter, they could get busted and lost custody anyway.

    Very, very sorry for your hurting heart. Think carefully and talk to your loved ones who treat you with respect. Decide how you want to handle this. You do not need to get overly involved if you don't like to. There is no right or wrong answer.
  7. lonelyone

    lonelyone New Member

    Sorry if I wasn't clear. My daughter and her boyfriend do not use drugs. The boyfriend is quite responsible and works full time and goes to college. He and my daughter do not use drugs. It is my son that had the drugs in his room. They believe my son that the drugs were not for sale to others and they think I overreacted to the whole situation. I still believe that their allowing my son to sometimes care for the baby and continue to live in their home that they are all at risk. I told them they could not move in with me this summer under the circumstances.

    I do know that my getting angry was not helpful. I could have listened better even though I completely disagree. Right now I don't want to see any of them again for some time. I am heartbroken.
  8. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Oh, Lonely, my heart breaks for you.

    I think we all know that feeling.

    The reactions of your daughter and her boyfriend are hard to understand, unless they too are using drugs. Whatever is going on, unfortunately none of these people, who are at a minimum condoning your son's drug use (and perhaps dealing) belong in your house this summer. That is a hard one.

    And I totally agree with MWM. I wasn't suspicious of daughter actually being involved (as opposed to protecting her brother) until you reported that I think they are all in.

    Be careful in your interactions with them.

    And keep posting, cause we will have your back!

  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Lonely. I think the reaction of your daughter and boyfriend is very odd. A toddler opening up one of those packets and sucking out the contents really doesn't care whether their uncle was selling it or keeping it around for his own use! At the very least I think they are showing some very poor judgment as parents and I think you have every right to be angry and concerned. Expressing your concerns about illegal drugs on the premises is hardly meddling.
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi lonely, I was thinking of you and wondering how you are. Please let us know when you get a chance.

    Hugs and prayers for you tonight.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  11. lonelyone

    lonelyone New Member

    Thank you all for the replies. It is so helpful to get the perspective of others. I never thought I'd be estranged from my children. I have not spoken to them at nor have they contacted me other than a mean text message from my son.

    My children are everything to me; I spoke with my daughter several times every day and saw her frequently. I believe that my daughter and her boyfriend were scared of my reporting the drugs I found in my son's room since they do not own the house they live in and my daughter knows the landlord quite well. I do feel that my daughter's boyfriend was over the top in his response to me and disrespectful. I do not believe they are involved with drugs at all.

    My world has changed. I need to get a life outside of my children, but I resist doing so. It is my own fault that I feel so sad and lonely. Nothing will change unless I take action to help myself.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am sorry. I misunderstood.

    I am going to share my thoughts, as a mom of one child who chooses not to talk to anyone in the family except my ex husband. All of this is just my own opinion and, of course, I came to my thoughts because of my own experiences.

    Again, these are only MY thoughts.

    in my opinion, father of the baby is being extremely irresponsible toward his baby. But he did say something is HIS decision how to raise her. The only thing you can do to change anything is to call CPS and I'm not sure that they will do anything. in my opinion the best thing you can do is to move on to a new phase in your life. At one time I think most of us doted on our kids and they were our everythings, but even nice grown children go off on their own and make their own decisions and usually they don't like us to stick us nose into things. I have learned to bite my tongue. Somehow your son has played your daughter and especially her in my opinion very disrespectful husband and they don't think he's so bad and they feel he is even fit to watch the baby. And the son-in-law apparently believes in enabling drug users too, if they are family members.

    As far as I can see, your best move toward a happy future is to back out of their bad decisions, including bad parenting decisions, unless you do plan on trying to get CPS involved and maybe try for custody. I doubt you'd win, because CPS has such a high bar for child removal. I was a foster mom and also knew a few CPS workers and was told horror stories. Maybe not all CPS workers have to operate the same though. Maybe it depends on what office they work out of. At any rate, if you are not going to go full force, I would swallow your opinion because you won't change their minds. Son-in-law sounds like a big difficult child. How he could get that YOU are dangerous is beyond me. I may also add that you don't KNOW for a fact that he doesn't use drugs too. He is being awfully tolerant of a drug user. So is your daughter. Sometimes there are secrets and we don't know them all.

    YOu may want to actually go to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting to hook up in real life with parents who are going through the same pain/craziness and heartache as you. The Twelve Step program has helped so many of us as it teaches us that we can not control our loved ones, but we can control our reactions to them and we can go on with our own lives. We can set boundaries that we insist others respect. We can detach even from those we love and STILL have fun and laughter in our lives. I don't know if you have a SO or belong to a church or love to sing or act or do crafts or have neglected your hobbies and beloved friends while focusing on your children, but this is a great time to start doing things for YOURSELF for once. It is a hard concept once you/we/all of us have been so wrapped up in our children, however once they are grown they do go their own ways and do things sometimes that we can not support. Or move three thousand miles away. We have to learn to be our own best friends regardless of our grown children. And it actually gets kind of fun once you start not thinking you have to take care of everybody else and start doing what YOU like to do without that burden of others on your shoulders.

    I have a good book you may want to pick up called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (I think that's how it's spelled). It's about people like us, caregivers, who want to continue to caregive others even if they are adults, especially our own children. It was the book that started me on a healthier journey. I know many moms here have read it.

    Sending you light and love and withing you to have some serenity in your day.

    "God grant me the serenity,
    To accept the things I cannot change,
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to know the difference."
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  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry lonelyone.

    I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, it isn't your "fault" that you feel so sad and lonely, you feel sad and lonely because of the situation you are presently in, being estranged from both of your kids is devastating for all of please, be kind to yourself.

    I agree that you need to get a life outside of your children, however, you've just received a sucker punch so give yourself a little bit of time to adjust to this new phase of your life. I imagine you will take action when you are ready to change.

    Whatever your kids are up to now, for whatever reason, you and they need to take some space. Whether this is temporary or permanent, you don't have any way of knowing. All you have is this moment in time to learn how to redirect your energies and focus on yourself.

    When you feel ready, you may want to begin to learn the tools of detachment which are mapped out in that article at the bottom of my post. You might enjoy reading some books, like Living Beautifully, Comfortable in Uncertainty and When things fall apart, all by Peme Chodron. Seeking professional help is something many of us choose since detaching from our kids and accepting their choices rather then trying to control their choices is an extremely challenging thing to do.

    One of the most difficult things for us is to focus on ourselves after we've been heavily focused on our kids. It takes practice and support. I hope that you continue posting here, it helps. Take very good care of yourself now, it's very important that you nourish your own needs and make sure you get YOUR needs met. I wish you peace............hang in there..........
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There is no fault here, lonelyone. You reacted to a really unpleasant situation from your heart. The only other thing you could have done would have been to go along with whatever they felt was okay. Your concerns are valid and correct. You voiced them, and that took courage.

    There are some times when it is the situation that is bad. Whatever choice you made would have felt wrong. You remained true to yourself and spoke from the heart ~ even your anger was from the heart, as you vented your feelings about what you perceive to be a dangerous situation.

    It sounds like this has been one hard decision after another for you. It must have taken some thought just to decide whether to let your daughter know what you had found in your son's room.

    You are right that you will need to refocus your life, lonelyone. As you grieve and as you create the changes that will take your life in a different direction than you envisioned, remember that everything can (and probably will) change. Your actions have likely opened a series of conversations at your daughter's house which will bring everything into the open where it can be dealt with.

    It feels so bad to take a stand and then, to be judged and isolated for it. I am sorry this has happened, but you had to take the stand you did. How could you live with yourself otherwise, if something bad happened?

    You had to do what you did.

    There is no fault, here.

    You are the mother. It matters what you think and what you say. What you do not speak up about, you condone.

    You had to do what you did.

    Hooray for you for getting angry at your son-in-law. That took real courage. You are isolated, you are suffering, but you spoke from integrity and you did not back down.

    I love it that I hear no bitterness in your post, no blaming or justification.

    This part is hard, lonelyone, but I think you did the right thing. The pain you feel is real, but you will heal. There is nothing you need to do, right now. If it turns out that you need to love your family from afar, then you will still love them, just not right up, everyday close.

    Many of us find ourselves in that position.

    I choose it over complicity in my child's self destruction, any day.

    As Recovering suggested, take care to take care of yourself. It is so easy to use the energy we've mustered to fight the good fight to beat ourselves up, instead.

    I am glad you found us.