Some days are worse than others...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by StillStanding, Nov 19, 2017.

  1. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Like many others, I haven't posted in a while. Life in general has been tough.

    I haven't seen my son in a couple of months. He usually doesn't answer my messages. Or, maybe, he'll send a one-word answer.

    I think I can get through it and then he doesn't show up for a visit with his son again. It tortures me. They are both missing out. I know he stopped paying his child support. I haven't paid it for him because it's not my job but I hate that he won't meet this one responsibility.

    Some days I don't know why I bother getting up.

    Of course, Christmas is coming and that will just add to the stress and drama.
  2. I'm sorry you're dealing with this sadness. I too deal with the torture that comes with my son's illness and addiction. I belong to a couple of groups that help a little bit. Have you been involved in any codependent groups? I just reread today about Internal Boundaries, which make up out Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior. Codependents have trouble separating the T/F/B of others from themselves. I have to keep reminding myself that's him, not me. I hope you can find a way to treat yourself to a Christmas without stress and drama. You deserve it.
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  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi Still

    I took a big hit to the head today after pulling myself out of the pit of dispair. It is so hard on us.
    Harder on us than them I feel sometimes. It is so difficult when brands are involved.

    If you don’t belong to a support group or get some sort of help for you please do you are worth it.

    Know you are not alone. Big hugs.
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  4. I agree. It is harder on us. They're walking throught the journey not fully aware of what is goign on because they're under the influence. We have the front row seats to the drama.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Still,

    Good to hear from you!

    It's never easy when dealing with our difficult adult kids. Sometimes I think the only time we are on their radar is when they want something from us, otherwise they live in their own little world.

    I've been where you are, going months not hearing from my son. The wondering and worrying can drive you nuts. I've been at this a long time and one thing I've learned is my worrying was wasted energy.
    Somehow these Difficult Child's manage to get by. I think their guardian angels work triple time.:angel3:

    I've come to a place where I will no longer waste my energy worrying and wondering. I love my son but will not allow him to hold my emotions hostage and will not be sucked into his drama and chaos.

    Your life matters and I do hope you are doing something good for yourself. I hope you will be able to enjoy the holidays in a simple way without the stress.

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  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello SS, I am sorry for your need to be here, but it is a place where folks understand your feelings.
    I agree, life is tough, everyone seems to be enduring some sort of battle.
    Especially here on CD.
    This can be a hard thing. It is the same for me with my two. They either fall off the radar completely, have no phone, or when they do contact me, it is because they want something. Hmmmmmm.
    I decided some time ago, to give them over to God. I remind myself that they were just on loan to me in the first place, that my job raising them is done, and they will do as they choose. It may seem like an opt out, or a cop out, but, it has given me some peace of mind when my thoughts wander to the what ifs. That is a difficult place to be, and it prevents me from living my life.
    I have been at this for a long time as well. Worrying is wasted energy, I agree. So many times, my thoughts drifted to catastrophic outcomes, and my d cs are out there living the life of their choosing.
    We have absolutely no control over what out adult children will do.
    Acknowledging that fact is a step towards moving forward with your life.
    You have worth, you matter.
    Yes, you do deserve stress free holidays.
    I am glad you are not paying child support, you are right, it is not your job.
    I have grandchildren in the mix of this, too. So, I understand the hardship of that. Hubs and I stepped in a lot to help, but, in the long run, their parents just relinquished their role and expected everyone else to take care of their responsibilities.
    While they partied.
    Uhhhh, no.
    We, do have front seats, but it is possible to move to the back, or leave the theater all together.
    It doesn't mean we stop loving them, it just means there is no room for all of the crazy and drama to infect our lives.
    We really just want our d cs to live good lives. Our sacrificing our own life, does not accomplish that, in fact, I believe we are our kids best example of how to live.
    Many holidays, I languished in despair over what was going on with my two.
    I realized that their addiction and bad choices was like a river flooding over the banks and I was drowning in it.
    My drowning had no effect on them, in fact, it allowed them to run all over me.
    It was time to swim out of the current of drama and stress.
    No good could become of my demise for any of us.
    Many times I thought "How can I enjoy myself when they are out there floundering?"
    A good question to ask ourselves is "How does our loss of peace and joy help our d cs?"
    It doesn't.
    Take time to work on yourself and shift your focus away from something you cannot change, anyway.
    Slowly move from the front seat of the drama.
    You matter.
    By taking care of yourself, you are showing your son, what he needs to do.
    It doesn't happen over night, but, you are truly worth the effort.

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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Well said Leafy!!!
  8. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Thank you everyone for your supportive posts.

    I feel like a whining victim which is not who I want to be but I've not had a lot of success trying to find support.

    I've been to many NarAnon meetings (I even tried different groups). I've come to accept that 12 step programs just aren't for me.

    I have benefitted from 2 groups (1 for mental illness family members, 1 for addiction family members) but they had a limited time (8 weeks).

    I tried 2 therapists and didn't "connect" with either of them. 1 actually made me feel worse. She said that my long working hours might have caused my son's behaviour. Hmmm... a single mom working to support her kids on her own and therefore, his problems are my fault.

    Anyway, that's it for my whining. You are all right, I should try a different therapist.

    Happy Thanksgiving to those of you in the US.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You are not whining SS. This is a tough, tough journey we are all on, at different stages on the trail. You will find many stories on CD, including mine, where folks feel so exhausted and stressed from dealing with our d cs.

    I had a similar experience. It seemed the therapist was more interested in my daughters than helping me. I never went back. They are only human, too, and make mistakes. I think it’s a matter of finding the right fit.

    I hope you were not offended by my post SS. Please know that nobody here would consider your post as whining. Venting, yes. It is good to get it out.
    Because some days are worse than others.
    Happy Thanksgiving to you SS.
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  10. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    I hope you were not offended by my post SS.

    I was not offended at all. I appreciate having a safe place to vent.
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  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I understand this may be how you feel but it's not true. You are not a whiner nor a victim. You are a parent who is battle weary. The important thing is you are here with us where you will find support without the "raised" eyebrows or condemnation.

    It's always so easy for someone else to tell us how we should be living. I know this is not true for all therapists but I have always found it interesting how a therapist who does not have children can be an "expert" on the subject. Book smarts are one thing but living the reality is another.
    The years I was a single mom I had to work 2 jobs to make it. You, myself and many others have done the very best we could and you know what, it's good enough. A very good friend of mine is a high school social worker. She is married and has 2 kids, one excels at life and the other is a 21 year old that lives at home and plays video games all day and has no desire to find a job. I love my friend dearly but she is an enabler. Even the so called "experts" can have difficult children.

    Please know that you can come here anytime and vent all you need to. It's a good and safe way to get it all out and you will get good feedback. The great thing about the advice from others here is you take what will work for you and leave the rest. There are no one size fits all answers.

    I wish you peace this Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for you and all the other battle weary parents here. You are not alone in this.

    ((HUGS)) to you
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Happy Thanks Giving Still!

    I agree with Leafy on this one. Therapists are only human. The fit has to be good. We tried a few before we found a good fit.

    Ludicrous comment by the therapists by the way. My friends are both neuro surgeons their children are raised by a nanny as they work insane hours, kids are fine with minimal parental contact but loving parental contact. I know stay at home moms and a variety of different family units. There is no associated issue, studies generally say loving attentive parents are what is important. Studies that support this notion that children are worse off and have more issues when coming from single parent homes are controversial at best. I am sorry you endured that.

    I hope you find a good support the fits your needs.