Something is wrong

[PatriotsGirl]

I figured I would start a new thread since the other one got so long.

I cannot get a hold of difficult child. I saw on the phone records that one text went out yesterday morning and that is the last of the activity with the exception of three texts coming in that she never responded to. I call and it goes straight to voicemail.

A hole's ex contacted me on Facebook asking if I have heard from difficult child saying that she hasn't and she is worried about her. Back story on this one - after the second time difficult child was discharged, she told me that she and a hole's ex met up and worked everything out. But then she also told me a couple of days later that this same ex and some others pulled a gun on her demanding a hole's things? Yet I just saw on Facebook that difficult child wrote on the ex's wall over Thanksgiving and it was a nice message. Would you be talking to someone that pulled a gun on you??

So I told ex about how difficult child thought there may be some bad people after her and she said difficult child had called her about that, too. She said when she talked to a hole, she asked about the bad people and a hole said he knew what she was talking about, but couldn't say anymore on the phone. Ex says this is why she is worried about difficult child. That she wants to help difficult child but cannot get that close to her for obvious reasons.

So now I am back to being scared to death and wondering where in the world my difficult child is...

Please pray that she is safe.

 

[Signorina]

Prayers on the way. {{{hugs}}}

 

[SuZir]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I will be praying for her safety.

 

[pasajes4]

Can you track her location through the cell phone provider. I know that they have located people based on the location of the cell tower where the calls were made. Maybe she was not able to charge the phone.


Lots of prayers and hugs.

 

[AnnieO]

Hugs and prayers, sweetie.

 

[Nancy]

If you go to the police and explain the situation they can have her cell phone traced.

(((((Prayers)))))

 

[PatriotsGirl]

False alarm....again. But I received some information that makes me feel a lot better...

I talked to her friend that she has been staying with and who has been helping her. He told me that the people she talks about are very real and they would go after someone for two hundred bucks, so they would definitely go after someone for 20 grand. However, he does not believe they truly want her and he has not seen anything that shows otherwise. He said he thinks she thrives on the drama. I told him she has been that way all her life. He also told me that her story of hiding out in a boat dock with bullets whizzing by her was a fabrication.

He also admitted that she has used, but is not getting wild and partying (like that makes ANY difference whatsoever). He said they have not been getting along the past couple of days because she is being a b**ch. Well, that is normally how she is when she is active in her addiction. He said there are three or four of them that are trying to talk sense into difficult child and get her back to the program. He said she feels awful that she has used. I told him I would put her on a bus to any state anywhere into another program. She could start fresh somewhere completely new...

So I am not scared, and really oddly, not angry either. I just want difficult child to get the help she desperately needs....

 

[toughlovin]

Oh PG, I am sorry for all you are going through with difficult child. I bet she stays out of touch when she is using... which of course makes it all the harder on us when they are out of touch!! Sounds like she is at that place where you need to let her be until she wants help and I hope she wants help soon. I think the fact she feels bad about using is a good thing.... and I too was guessing her cell phone was not charged.

TL

 

[Signorina]

I am glad you know she is ok. Try to calm
your mind for now. I know it's easy to say; harder to do. You've been in crisis response mode for too long and it will consume you until there is nothing left. She is ok and let that knowledge be enough for now-Know what I mean??

Thinking of you, not trying to be preachy but I am worried about YOU. {{{hugs}}}

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh PG, I am sorry for all you are going through with difficult child. I bet she stays out of touch when she is using... which of course makes it all the harder on us when they are out of touch!! Sounds like she is at that place where you need to let her be until she wants help and I hope she wants help soon. I think the fact she feels bad about using is a good thing.... and I too was guessing her cell phone was not charged.

TL

Yes, she does tend to stay out of touch for the most part when she is using...she knows how badly it hurts me. But, I know the seed of recovery was planted and she experienced a better way of life. Now I can only hope and pray she wants that back...the holidays normally hoover when it comes to difficult child. I should have known this one wouldn't be any different.

But I decorated this year. We put all of our outdoor decorations up over the weekend. I put up my tree with all of our sentimental ornaments - it is a Hallmark tree, literally. My mother in law has gotten us each Hallmark ornaments every year along with the Hallmark ones my husband had from her each year growing up. I love it. So I have made it mandatory that we enjoy our holidays no matter what.

easy child is going to have a great Christmas because he deserves it SO much. He is such a great kid. He asked if difficult child would be with us this Christmas and I didn't know what to say. I told him we take each day as it comes and if difficult child was still doing good, she would definitely be here. I don't have the heart to tell him that difficult child is not in treatment anymore.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I am glad you know she is ok. Try to calm
your mind for now. I know it's easy to say; harder to do. You've been in crisis response mode for too long and it will consume you until there is nothing left. She is ok and let that knowledge be enough for now-Know what I mean??

Thinking of you, not trying to be preachy but I am worried about YOU. {{{hugs}}}

Thank you - you are 10000000% correct. Crisis mode is killing me.....literally. I need to throw myself into work now - this next month is my busiest...

Thank you all for being here for me. I don't know how I would get through the day with out you all!!!!!

 

[Nancy]

Glad you found she is OK but not happy that you have to go through this every day. If she is making this drama up and it is not caused by drug psychosis she is being very cruel to you. Does she have any idea what you are going through? It sure sounds like she is wild partying unless the brain damage was already done but then wouldn't you have seen that when she was in the sober house.

 

[toughlovin]

You know I really dont think our difficult children have any idea of what they put us through emotionally. I really dont. Maybe they are just too self centered and if they dont have kids have no idea what it is like to love a chlid. I know my difficult child feels guilty and bad about the money we have spent on treatment on him (not that it kept him from leaving or screwing up) but honestly the money is the least of it. I dont think he has any idea of the pure heartache he has caused me.

So my guess is your difficult child is not thinking about what she is putting you through... if she is using she is thinknig of how to get her next fix and also probably how to avoid any confrontation about her drug use with you.

TL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You know I really dont think our difficult children have any idea of what they put us through emotionally. I really dont. Maybe they are just too self centered and if they dont have kids have no idea what it is like to love a chlid. I know my difficult child feels guilty and bad about the money we have spent on treatment on him (not that it kept him from leaving or screwing up) but honestly the money is the least of it. I dont think he has any idea of the pure heartache he has caused me.

So my guess is your difficult child is not thinking about what she is putting you through... if she is using she is thinknig of how to get her next fix and also probably how to avoid any confrontation about her drug use with you.

TL

I agree. Part of me is wondering if she thought I would stop loving her if I found out she relapsed. That couldn't ever happen, of course. Nothing could make me ever stop loving her...but the boundaries are sure back up...

I also think her fear is very real. It was confirmed by two people that these bad people are real and they are out there somewhere. Yes, she may thrive on drama, but the threat is real and it is not a drug induced pychosis. I just read an article on AJC about two different murders that this gang committed in the neighboring county not too long ago. That is very scary. I just have to keep faith that they don't really want her dead over the 20k. And I have to keep trying to get her to get on a bus and get out of here. There are sober living homes everywhere..

Maybe I will offer her a bus ticket to Colorado? Just kidding....maybe not, though, huh?

 

[recoveringenabler]

PG, first of all many gentle hugs coming your way..................I hope you can find some peace in all the chaos. It sounds as if difficult child's guilt over using has prompted her, in her delusional thinking, to amp up the drama to get the focus off of using and onto getting you in a place where you feel sorry for her rather then angry at her...........considering shame often has much to do with addiction, it may have helped get this to the level it has gotten to.............my understanding is that with longer periods of sobriety, substance abusers are more on the road to recovery, even after relapsing and she has some sobriety under her belt...........add in the muddled thinking when using, shame, guilt, remorse, knowing you are disappointed in her, her youth...............and in some altered way of thinking, this all makes sense. Perhaps telling her you forgive her and how much you love her, regardless of her actions is what she needs to hear now..............Just a thought.................HUGS.................

 

[SuZir]

You know I really dont think our difficult children have any idea of what they put us through emotionally. I really dont. Maybe they are just too self centered and if they dont have kids have no idea what it is like to love a chlid. I know my difficult child feels guilty and bad about the money we have spent on treatment on him (not that it kept him from leaving or screwing up) but honestly the money is the least of it. I dont think he has any idea of the pure heartache he has caused me.

I agree. And I don't believe it is so much about begin self centred than it is about not understanding how much parents love their kids. I think kids in general really don't get how much they are loved and difficult children even less so.

I remember when my difficult child was younger, maybe 13 and he fell badly with his bike. There was lot of blood, some deeper cuts and quite a lot of scrapes and later huge bruises. Luckily nothing serious, but I was horrid when he first came home in that state. He was quick to console me that his bike was okay, and while his sweatpants had a hole they were old and it wasn't the first one and his t-shirt would wash clean if we would just put it to cold water immediately. That has really stick in my mind, they really don't get it. Not even PCs even little bit older. Our kids get driver's licenses at 18, so difficult child got his little over a year ago. He had only had it few days when he first time borrowed my car and took easy child with him to somewhere. I told him to drive safely because there was such a valuable load in the car. easy child asked me, all serious, if I hadn't remembered to take a new television I had bought day before for our upstairs lobby out of the trunk. Yeah, that certainly was what I meant...

And of course teens 'know' they are immortal and so it doesn't make any sense to them that we would worry over them.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG, first of all many gentle hugs coming your way..................I hope you can find some peace in all the chaos. It sounds as if difficult child's guilt over using has prompted her, in her delusional thinking, to amp up the drama to get the focus off of using and onto getting you in a place where you feel sorry for her rather then angry at her...........considering shame often has much to do with addiction, it may have helped get this to the level it has gotten to.............my understanding is that with longer periods of sobriety, substance abusers are more on the road to recovery, even after relapsing and she has some sobriety under her belt...........add in the muddled thinking when using, shame, guilt, remorse, knowing you are disappointed in her, her youth...............and in some altered way of thinking, this all makes sense. Perhaps telling her you forgive her and how much you love her, regardless of her actions is what she needs to hear now..............Just a thought.................HUGS.................

I think you nailed it in this post. Absolutely nailed it. You are right, she needs to know that I will always love her no matter what. It may need to be from a distance, but the love is always there. Her friend said she felt ashamed. I guess ashamed is good. Much better than not giving a hoot and doing it anyway...

 

[recoveringenabler]

PG, I've now listened to so many addicts in my own healing and underneath so much addiction is shame. Shame makes one feel unlovable, unworthy, undeserving, it's a deep rooted belief that colors everything and my understanding is that the alcohol, drugs, addiction of any kind, temporarily softens that. To think that you can be loved when you make a mistake is so difficult when the faulty thinking is that you ARE the mistake, rather then your actions are wrong, is a huge distinction very often missed by the addict. I've had to learn this with my own difficult child, her actions are often very disturbing, but she is ALWAYS deserving of love..................I always love her, but she has not always believed that. Yes, I think that your difficult child feeling ashamed is a healthy sign, but I imagine to her, it feels pretty devastating and hits that part of her that feels so unlovable............

 

[lovemysons]

PG,
Just wanted you to know I am sending out prayers for your daughter's safe return...and for her to continue with the work she started in the sober house.

I am glad to hear you are doing your best to carry on with Christmas traditions for easy child's sake...as well as your own. I also it think it wise to let our difficult child's know that we will carry on with the business of living life. I think it helps them to know they come from survivors.

Please continue to take good care of yourself.
Hugs,
LMS

 

[Marcie Mac]

I am just amazed that for as long as I have been on here, no one has keeled over dead in a heart attack over our difficult child's due to the stress they cause. I remember some of the friends Danny hung aroung with - ugggg - I would tell him I don't want to see so and so over here again, and he would tell me oh you know him, we grew up together - his mom is the secretary at the school. Hmmm couldn't recognize his face from the piercings and tattoo's

I am glad to see you are keeping things as normal as possible at home for the holidays. I do worry bout you. I know you know with Diver you NEED to keep your stress levels down

Am sending some positive thoughts she gets her act together soon

Marcie