Dear sickandtired1
HI and welcome to the board!
First I want to offer you some hugs and a place to just set your very, very weary head, heart, and emotions. Your brain after 24 years is still looking for "THE WHY" to a question that has absolutely no singular answer. To try to pin what just happened (the armed robbery) on drug addiction, or work your way backwards even to was it because he was on dope, alcoholic, ADD, out of control, dysfucntional, disruptive at home, disobedient, did he have conduct disorder? Did we not get him enough medications? Oh that one medication we gave him I knew it was the wrong medication, we never should have tried it. We didn't try that other medication - we should have. Too many medications, Not enough discipline, too much discipline, TOO much discipline at the wrong time, Not enough of the right kind of discipline? Should we have sent him to military school, how about to one of those Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, A group home - yes that's it we SHOULD have sent him to a group home! That surely would have been the thing to fix him, and ........it was my pregnancy, the microwave - I stood too close to the microwave, I drank lemonade with aspartamine in it - OMG I had that one glass of wine. DID I live near power lines when I was pregnant? What kinds of medications was I taking before I got pregnant? Is there a history of mental illness on MY side of the family? How about on my husbands side? Back how many generations maybe?
I mean YOU can literally make yourself NUTS: completely and UTTERLY NUTS. First of all I tell a LOT of parents a good word to eliminate right now is the word SHOULD. Stop doubting what YOU did first off. You did what you thought was the best thing to do for your son at the time you did it - you did what you felt was the best thing to do. So should was what you felt was right not wrong. When you think back to that time in his life and you made decisions based on what you knew - you did not sit there deciding on what to do in his best interest and think - I should do this because it will harm him. You said "I think we should do this because it will help him. Ergo - you made the best decisions you knew how. If they were MISTAKES? You learned from them - did not repeat them - and moved on from that point. Everyone makes mistakes; it's part of life. But to continue now when your son is 24 and blame yourself or try to figure out what you as parents could have done different? Well. For one? That ship has sailed. Two - it's a waste of your time and serves no purpose no healthy purpose. Three? There are no answers that anyone can give you. Unfortunately he is what he is, and while he doesn't have to REMAIN what he is.....that is ENTIRELY up to him.
How did he GET here? That's a series of poor choices, poor decision making, poor impulse control, and that could be one of a number of undiagnosed mental disorders OR behaviors. OR a combination of both. Could he be Bipolar? Sure. Could he have Conduct Disorder that has progressed into anti-social personality disorder. He could be a sociopath, he could have tendencies of narcissisism, or borderline personality personality disorder - or he could just be a lazy putz that thinks the world owes him a kiss on the hiney with a alcohol problem and drug habit. Then on the other hand he could be a guy that will thrive on structure, and schedules that a jail provides. Up at 5, breakfast at 5:30 - exercise at this time, shower at this time, allowed to get a GED at this time....and counseling if he accepts it. You just never know.
I do know one thing. LACK of respect? Lack of manners? If tomorrow when you do go to the jail? No matter HOW badly your Mommy heart hurts - JAIL is tough. So if he shows you LACK OF RESPECT ONE TIME? And you really WANT to save him? If he disrespects you one time? EVEN SLIGHTLY? GET UP AND LEAVE.
It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I swear. I drove 2 hours - just to say "Hey can we see him and talk for a minute?" and We walked in, sat down to say "Wow we really had a hard time getting here and boy I'm not very happy wtih you and instead we sat down and he was a jerk TO US and I got up and left.....and that was it. I walked out of the jail, into the parking lot and into the car. I was done. My fiance was still in the lobby trying to figure out if I was coming back or what. I came back in and it was like - NOPE - I'm done - forget him - 2 hour drive and I get language and attitude - Let him figure it out. his mess his life - HIS problem. And I left. Day two? Different person, Different attitude, and different meeting.....and I mean from that point on? Lets see WHO needs WHOM. Because I sure wasn't the one in jail. Lots happened after than - but it was the beginning of ME saying to him - THIS IS ME NOT NEEDING YOU....and YOUR PROBLEMS. It sent a very clear message.
My therapist said I did the absolute WAY right thing - and I should have gotten a golden star. (never a report card around when you do something right is there?) lol -
And that would be my other suggestion for you. GET yourself a good therapist. THIS is going to be really tough on you. AND contrary to popular belief - you really do NOT want to be dragging all of this around, nor do you want to be discussing it with your husband, or family, friends co-workers - they'll listen for a while - but eventually ? You're going to stop getting invites to everything - beacause no one is going to want to hear - and YOU HAVE to talk to someone about this or you WILL Explode. And those questions you have about the WHY and HOW DID HE GET LIKE THIS? THOSE? Yeah that would be the perfect person to do the history exam of your sons life with because you can take it back layer by layer with a professional a little at a time and work through it with him or her and see for yourself that YOU really are NOT responsible and can dump off that ENORMOUS amount of guilt that you are trying to pretend you do not have. (yeah that big wad of junk you try and hid between the lines of questioning that only another Mother who had the same wad o guilt would recognize) that one. lol.
Soooooo anyway - My suggestions would be - get a therapist for yourself or if you can get your hubby to go great - if not go by yourself - it's wonderful promise. DO NOT take any of sons ka ka tomorrow. STOP for now trying to diagnose him it's not going to help the situation at hand - what's done is done and a diagnoses is not going to help him with a plea....at all. Trust me - it won't. he could be out of his tree and it's not going to help. Armed robbery is what it is. YOU COULD possibly ask for therapy for him in jail - but your SON has to want it. So again - it's on him. AGAIN - and with his history of AMA -ing himself - I don't see him getting serious about it unless it gets him out of his cell - Know what I mean?? So maybe he'll do it for THAT reason - but it's a start.
And come HERE - that's my other advice.....this is great support. WE're Frank (Although I'm Star) not Frank....I could be Frank if I had a moustache and a Kimora body shaper 2 sizes 2 small....and a baseball cap...and a beard. and some man jeans. But other than that? We're a good bunch and we try to keep up spirits (and obviously not appearances)
Hugs - Let me know how tomorrow goes - I'll be waiting to hear. Keeping you in my prayers.
Star