son is being arrested as im writing this

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dancewlaurie, Nov 1, 2016.

  1. dancewlaurie

    dancewlaurie New Member

    Omg.....i had to call police to pick up my 21 yr old son who is homeless, addicted, lying, stealing ect.... hes sleeping in my car. He will die out there on the streets. Ive been helping or thought i was but its called enabling. Im exhausted, hes exhausted, we are a mess. He blames me for everything and gets angry and breaks my car, yells and screams at me.....hes had a tough life due to my ex and his mom. Hes alcoholic, narcissist, verbally and emotionally abusive. So i have guilt upon guilt and i end up giving in. Omg, what have idone? It feels horrible. They just picked him up. I just want him to get the help he needs. I hope the judge will make him go to a rehab and little jail time. Hes an amazing beautiful young man who is a victim and self medicating to get thru his pain. Please pray for him. Thank you for listening. Its my first time here.
     
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I too have had to have my son arrested.
    You have nothing to feel guilty about.
    So your son didn't have a perfect childhood, that is no excuse for the way he is treating you. You did the right thing by calling the police. You would not take this kind of abuse from anyone else so the fact that's it's your son is no different.
    Oh that mothers guilt. We as the mothers think we should make everything okay for our children. Long gone are the days of kissing a boo boo to make it all better. Your son is an adult and he making choices of how he living his life - HIS choices not yours.
    Please hear me on this, I was a victim of sexual abuse by my bio-father. I had a choice to make with my life, I could remain a victim or I could take my life back and do something with it.
    Remaining a victim is a choice. Was my bio-father wrong in what he did, absolutely but the abuse came to an end. By holding onto the anger I had towards my bio-father I was still giving him power over me. It's no different for your son. As long as he holds onto his anger he will continue to live an unhappy life.

    I strongly suggest you attend Al-Anon meetings. These are meeting for family members who have an alcoholic / addict.
    Here is a link to their site. Check it out and try and find a meeting.
    http://al-anon.org/?gclid=COmM5uX9h9ACFQgfhgod3o8Ddg

    Also, here is the link to a great article on detachment.
    http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4Om9CD5TO

    I'm glad you are here with us now. Others will be along to offer support.

    Hang in there!!

    ((HUGS))..........
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. So sorry. It is not your fault. He is a man now and is choosing to destroy himself using his past as an excuse to make you feel sorry for him.

    If he breaks your car, which indicates toddler anger, get him a tent. He can sleep in your yard.

    You did the right thing to show him you're done putting up with his behavior. There is help and he knows where to get it but he he is choosing to live a bad life. That is on him, not you. He can even get help if he goes to jail.

    by the way, they rarely die in the streets. They tend to be very resourceful and there is shelter and plenty of food for the homeless and a large homeless community.

    Al Anon is awesome.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 1, 2016
  4. dancewlaurie

    dancewlaurie New Member

    Thank you for your reply. I just read the article. I know its what i have to do. He just called me to bail him out because theres a "green light" out on him and he may be killed. (Hes been on the run from his gang & police) i know he will say anything to get bailed out. Its worked 3 times before but these things DO really happen in todays world. But he needs to take responsibilty for the things he has done. I am NOT helping him by bailing him out or driving him places or feeding him ect....i just hope he will be okay until court on Friday and the judge gives him the help he needs so desperately....thank you again.
     
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    laurie, first of all I'm so sorry you've found a need to join us. Please know that I pray for you and your son and all the moms, dads and kids on this site. I've not had my son (also 21) arrested, but watched him be taken away in cuffs after a call from my husband resulted in a warrant we didn't know existed being served. It is heart-breaking, I know. Many parents here have been where you are. We understand.

    Second, call the police and TELL them he has threats on his life from the gang. The police won't hurt him and they will know to keep him separated from gang members.

    Welcome.
     
  6. dancewlaurie

    dancewlaurie New Member

    Yes, Lil i did talk to a Sherrif who offered my son protected custody, but my son refused. Thank you for your prayers it means so much.
     
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  7. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Hi dancewlaurie. So sorry to hear of your circumstances. I believe you have done the right thing. If you keep assisting your son, he will constantly repeat the same behaviours because he knows the outcome will be the same - you will always be there to pick up the pieces.

    I know that enabling my daughter did not help her one bit. She is currently getting into all sorts of trouble in a foreign country - arrest and jail time are most likely to follow. It is heartbreaking.

    Sadly, our children are adults - with adult behaviour comes adult responsibility. They need to take responsibility for their mental health/addictions.

    Sending you hugs and prayers. Keep posting here. It helps.
     
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    If your son brings up that he has "green light" on him again you can tell him what you shared with us here. Again, choices.... he made a choice to say no to protective custody.
    It's my guess that he will try and guilt you into bailing him out. I have learned from my own son and others here on this site just how creative our difficult children can be when they are "desperate" for help. My son once told me he had a huge gash in his leg and that he would probably bleed to death. I told him he needed to go to the ER. The very next day he posted on Facebook that he was going for a long hike in the mountains. It's a miracle that his leg healed.

    When we start sending a different message to our difficult children, a message that we will no longer be their doormat, we will no longer bail them out, we no longer let them mooch of us - living in our homes, eating our food, never helping out, etc......., when they see they can no longer manipulate us into to doing what they want, they will ramp it up.
    Be on your guard. Be prepared for your son to tell you horror stories of what will happen if you don't help him. Stand strong!
    If you feel you are weakening, think of us here, all of us warrior parents surrounding you with our strength.

    You will get through this.
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Dance

    I agree with the others. Do not rescue him. He needs to have to face the consequences for his actions and choices. Period.

    It's not on you, it's on him. He's had a hard life so.....he has to deal with it the right way. Not by being more destructive. My son had an easy life and he did the same thing. It's all just excuses to behave badly.

    They have to figure it out on their own. Moms can't save our adult children. I know because I have tried myself for over five years. IT DOES NOT WORK. If it did, none of us would be here to talk about it because all our kids would be doing well.

    Stay strong and keep posting. We get it.
     
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he was so worried about himself, why did he refuse protective custody? Do you even think it's true?Addicts aren't known for their honesty.

    He is probably safer in jail than visiting drug dealers in secret on the streets. Some turn it around d in jail. Good for you for letting him stay. This is not his first rodeo with jail. Obviously he knows his lifestyle can lead him there. But he doesn't care enough to get help.

    Time to detach in my opinion and start enjoying your own life. You can't fix your son.
     
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It is time to find yourself again and develop a life that makes YOU happy. He is an adult, and needs to live with the consequences of his choices like the rest of the adults in the world.

    Please attend alanon meetings and contact NAMI to see if they have any family groups or classes in your area. These will help you detach and learn to cope in new ways. If you do this for no other reason, know that if the family goes to alanon, the alcoholic/addict has a 30% better chance of getting and staying clean/sober. I know that if your son was in school and you could spend 1 hour a week or so going to meetings to raise his grade from a 60% to a 90%, you would have done it happily. Most moms would. This is so much more important than a high school grade, and is harder, but it is worth it. I know because I have been to alanon to learn to deal with the alcoholics in my family. I am what is knows as an adult grandchild of an alcoholic as well as the sister of one. When I first got married, I had HUGE issues with my husband's very casual drinking. I went to meetings when I realized my reactions and fears were FAR from normal. My family was NOT happy when I applied what I learned to my brother, but it was another 12 years before my brother hit bottom and the rest of the family realized he really did have a problem.

    You seem ready to change things. Your son has huge problems, but they are NOT NOT NOT your fault. You did the best you could. You never woke up one day and asked yourself "How can I best ruin my child's life today?", so it is NOT your fault that he has problems. He is now an adult and whatever happens in his life is due to him, period. You deserve a life free of conflama (conflict + drama = conflama) and full of things that make YOU happy.
     
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  12. dancewlaurie

    dancewlaurie New Member

    Wow! Thank you to all that replied. It really helps to have support for myself. I got a list of alanon groups in my area and plan to start tomorrow. My son called every 15 minutes and he gave bail companies my number. He cried, threatened to disown me, yelled at me that im selfish, i care about losing money more than him, ect....i got mad and gave him the " do not raise your voice to me" speech and told him that although i love him, im done with his abusive behavior and hung up...he called 3 or 4 more times but i didnt answer...tomorrows a new day. Hopefully he is okay and makes it til Court on Friday. He told me not to show up! This is hard but staying strong. Thanks again.....
     
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  13. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Sending love and warm wishes to you, dancewithlaurie. We're going through some difficult times and getting strength from each other. There are many here who have gone before us and have lots of good advice to offer. I like your last sentence, "this is hard, but staying strong." Pretty much sums it up!
     
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    You don't want to be doing this when he's 30 or 40 and you WILL if you don't nip it in the bud.

    That's what we did. Our son is finally starting to GET IT. Will he screw up again? Probably but hope not.

    He just started a job yesterday and seems really happy with himself. He starts college in January. I will see him in a few weeks for the first time since April. His dad has seen him a few times on visits (he has more vacation time than I do).
     
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  15. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Dance. So sorry for your pain. We get it all so well.
    You've done all you can-actually over and above, it's now time for him to step up. I agree with RN in that the most powerful thought for me was that I really didn't want to be still living like this in 10 years. We had been in the mire with our son for most of his life. I do believe for me the most difficult mountain was that I just didn't know what he was capable of in regard to taking care of himself. I still don't. BUT he does know right from wrong, so he was choosing wrong over and over, in his treatment of us who were trying to help and in his choices. and then the drugs... Once that is an issue, it trumps everything else.
    You handled this well. I can feel you "putting your foot down". The continued call-backs say that he thinks he can wear you down. Don't weaken, it's a hard spot. You told him you loved him and he is 21, high time he realize that he alone is responsible for his actions. This separation is painful but necessary. Remember that lying and manipulation go hand in hand with drug use. Please protect yourself in every way now. We rarely believe anything our son tells us unless we see proof, we don't ask him any questions we don't already know the answer to, so that we don't wonder.
    The point you are at is so pain filled. There were times I felt "heart breaking" was actually physical to me. You can not save him. But you can save you. Do that. Prayers.
     
  16. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Yes, DWL, you are going through some very difficult times with your son and things that you've described are very familiar to a lot of us.

    As someone who is in the thick of it, I'd have to agree that you should step out of his mess as much as you can-I'm saying this because I've been unable to do it with my son (who will be 28 next month!) and it only multiplies the pain and chaos if you try to save him. You keep getting more involved with the mess and it gets harder to break the web that sucks you in.

    I would have to agree with SWOT, who asked why he refused protective custody, if he fears for his life? There may be more to his story, but it's sometimes better not to know the details!

    My thoughts are with you-hugs and don't get trapped in the quicksand!
     
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