Son is Homeless

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathyg, Aug 11, 2014.

  1. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member

    Well my 20 year old is living his first night on the streets of Chsrlotte, nc. His drug of choice is synthetic pot you can by cheep on the internet. Thank goodness I found this website because I thought I was all alone. My son has been in and out of rehab and every time he gets home and back on the Internet he is at it again. I gave him him the choice either streets or back to rehab. He choose the streets and I am worried to death. Please lord give me the strength to not enable him and he gets help on his own. How do people do this without going insane! It has been a long 4 years with his addiction and I am so tired:(
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so sorry for your hurting heart. I know how difficult it is. Please know there are plenty of mom's here who understand and who will hold your hand and give you strength across the internet.
  3. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    I certainly understand how you feel. My son is homeless and has been for about two years. He is now 3700 miles away and I am trying to detach. I have cut off the money and told him he has to figure it out himself. He is 33 years old and I am very tired. He is very ugly to me and the family wants nothing yo do with him until he makes some productive choices. He is bipolar and prefers self medication. I worry daily. I have gotten a lot of help on this site. You are not alone. Hopefully things will get better for you soon.

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  4. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member

    Thank you. I just got a call from a bail bondsman. He has been arrested for a controlled substance. He will be in for 6 to 9 months. I hate to say it but I am relieved that he is not on the streets. I told him I am not coming to bail him out. Tough love is hard and it has only been one day. I hope I can stay strong. Maybe he will take advantage of the program in there but I am not getting my hopes up.
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am glad that you are taking a stand for yourself. Keep reading and posting. When you are ready, you can fill in the details about your kiddo.
  6. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi Kathyg. You're not alone. We get how tired you feel. Hang in there and post some more. It may help to share some more of your story. Hugs.
  7. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member

    Thank you so much. It sure does help to talk about it. I will keep you posted.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Kathy,

    I have been where you are..... both in letting my son be homeless and the total reality that I would much rather have him in jail than on the streets!!

    So if your son has just been arrested I am assuming he still needs to be arraigned and tried... unless they already came up with a plea bargain... which is awfully fast for the court system.

    But although our court system in terribly flawed, with young people with drug problems they sometimes help provide the motivation and reason for them to get help! So hopefully the court will push him towards getting help rather than being incarcerated. This is what happened with my son, and in fact the court has given him several chances at rehab.

    And once they spend time in jail , they realize that is where they really dont want to be. I think my son would rather be on the streets than in jail.

    Also at least here there is not much in the way of programs for guys who are in jail waiting trial or sentancing... the programs are only there for people serving a sentance.

    My hope is that there is some kind of drug court where you are. That would be the best thing for your son.

    Get some sleep while he is not on the streets.


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  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Kathy, welcome. I think your statement above is the mark of a chance for you to change. What you have been doing in the past with and for him has not worked. Being sick and tired----completely sick and tired---means you have an opening inside yourself to start learning a new way of thinking and acting.

    Not feeling, necessarily. But of thinking....and then....of acting.

    Notice we all say this, like Annie did. I remember crawling into Al-Anon. I was completely spent. All I could think about was the addict in my life. I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep, I was obsessed with him. I was buying and reading books on addiction as fast as I could get them in the house. I was going to "master" this thing. I was going to "understand" it. That didn't work either.

    What worked was starting to work on myself. I had to understand my part in all of this, and I had to start valuing myself as important.

    Today, I live by the 51% rule. I am 1% more important than my son. So my thinking and my actions are more and more dominated by this thought: What is good for me, when it comes to my son?

    That is a huge shift in thinking.

    A lot of times, my feelings are not in sync with my thoughts and my actions. I feel sad, scared, hopeless, wanting so much for something good in his life, again focusing too much on him. Today, I recognize those feelings and I work hard not to act on those feelings. I feel them, I allow them to wash over me and through me, and I work hard not to act during that time.

    Yes, Kathy. in my humble opinion, being in jail is safer than being on the streets. You can relax a bit now. Lean into this. It's time for a focus on you.

    How will you spend this time, Kathy, while he is in jail? Please start going to Al-Anon---go six times before you decide if it is right for you, look into NAMI in your community, buy some Al-Anon books, read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, start taking care of yourself with exercise, nutrition, meditation, doing kind things for yourself like taking a nap, getting some flowers for your kitchen table, having lunch with a friend. These are tools that you can start assembling in a toolbox, Kathy. If you use them and work hard, and have an open mind, and are truly sick and tired of where you have been and the things you have tried, you will start to find joy, peace, contentment and serenity in your life, and it will grow more and more, regardless of what your son decides to do.

    It's time for YOU, Kathy. Claim this. Keep posting and share how you are doing. We care, and we get it. We know how hard it is, and all of the fits and starts we still go through. There is true compassion and acceptance here for you.
  10. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member

    Great advice. I am going to try everything you guys suggested. I did sleep last night for the first time in awhile. I think I am at piece for today.
  11. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member

    How do you know when they hit rock bottom?
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    You'll know.

    SO keeps telling me I will definitely know. There won't be any mistaking it. Their voice will be different, their "talk" will be different, their actions will be different, and they will be asking in a sincere way for help.

    We will know that they are at the end of their rope with their life as it is, and they will start taking action, instead of just talk.

    They will be more humble, more willing to listen to others, more willing to do things that they refused to do in the past, like go to 12-step meetings and get a sponsor, and get a job, and try hard, and keep on regardless.

    It won't be perfect, but it will be different.

    I am still waiting, too.
  13. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member


    I can't wait for that day.! I need more happy ending. It gives me hope. Anyone have some great success stories they can share?
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK I need to give a dose of reality here based on my experience. I think often there is not one rock bottom that someone reaches and then they turn their life around. That happens for some.... others never reach it and others like my son reach several bottoms and then relapse and go through the process again.

    We have always taken the stand with my son that we will help him when he wants help, but not when he doesn't. December of 2012 he was homeless for 3 months in Denver.... it was awful and I was very scared and also got to the place that I had no control over whether he lived or died. I dont, he has to be the one to choose to live. Really truly.

    He had reached bottom several times before and gotten help, but that time things got pretty bad and eventually he wanted help. He came in from the cold and we got him into rehab...... and he did great for a couple of months and then left..... we had been through this before and we have been through it since. He alway sounds sincere, and I really believe that at that moment he is sincere....but he does have a hard time holding long term to that motivation.

    Yet each time he hits a bottom and gets help, I think he gets a little closer to real recovery.... but I am no longer holding my breath or thinking there is going to be an ending to this madness.

    The last time he relapsed it was after a year of sobriety and he actually lasted for more than 6 months in a program. That is progress.... and his relapse landed him back in jail for a couple of months. Now he is again in a program .... and for the first time on FB I am seeing some positive posts!! He actually put a positive post about moms today which kind of made my day.

    So it is a process.... but I no longer believe that at least for my son there is one rock bottom. I also dont believe we should try to push them to their rock bottom..... the process is different for everyone and it is not our job to control it or create it. What is important is to set our boundaries and limits and not enable them to use substances. The rest is up to them.


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  15. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member

    I agree with uou. I thought my son had reached r ok bo
    That is what I am afraid of. I don't know how mutch more I can take.
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    That is why you have to find ways to take care of yourself, detach from his process and build your own. Almost 4 years ago I found a great parents alanon meeting which has made a huge difference for me.... meeting other real life good nice people whose kids were into drugs and yet they were living their life has been a huge help to me. I cried through my first meeting and went back and have been going almost every week since. It really helped me to keep on living my life no matter what is going on with my son..... since then my son has been in numerous rehabs, on the street more than once and in jail three times.

    Yet I have a life. I am no longer completely obsessed with him, no longer cry all the time, and actually have a good time in my life. I have a good relationship with my husband and my daughter.... and have a relationship with my son. I sleep better at night most of the time.

    In times of crisis I have a couple of days of real angst and then I get through it.

    So it is possible to keep on living your life even if your kid is really messed up and really messing up. It is not easy but it is possible.

    I hope this time my son gets and stays sober.... but I am going to keep living even if he doesn't.

    I hope you can get to a similar place.


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  17. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member

    My son called last night since he was arrested. Now he says he will go to rehab. Again. Well I told him it is not that simple as nd that boat has sailed. He is staying in jail and he can get help from inside away from the drugs. He did not like that idea. I think I am in a good place but I do better when I don't hear from him because he only wants something from me. I still believe the Lord does not give you more then you can handle.
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You don't have to answer every time he calls. Be selective. Are you up to him now or feeling weak? He will respect you more if you don't jump when he wants you to. difficult children think in odd ways.
  19. Kathyg

    Kathyg New Member

    I am up to him so far. I told him he needs to figure it out on his own since I have never been jail. I have my week moments but I don't let him know that. I am trying to be strong.
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    We heard from my son more when he was in jail than any other time.... he would call just because there was nothing else to do.... and some of those conversations were good ones.

    So he is not going to get help while in jail. If he is sentanced to time then there might be programs he can do.... but there probably wont be anything to help him with his substance abuse issues while he is in jail.

    I really dont think jail is helpful for addicts EXCEPT to make them realize that is not what they want and so get them ready to consider rehab.

    Your son may really not have much of a way to figure it out while he is sitting in jail. Depending on where he is and if he has a good caseworker he might get help, but again my experience is they are all way overworked with a million guys they are working with.

    So personally I think I would help him try to find rehab. I would call his lawyer and let him know your son is willing to go to rehab... and the next time I talked to difficult child I would let him know you would support him going to rehab. Doesnt mean you need to pay for a cushy rehab, I think most states have state run type rehabs.....


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