Son temporarily staying at my house

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PennyFromTheBlock, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    So. /sigh.

    My son has not lived with me since February 2014. He has lived with his sister and his exgirlfriend and in his car in that time.

    To recap: this is the child who had a son in August 2015.

    CPS has been called (and I just got a letter that no services will be provided to them at this time). I'm ok with that *right now* because at least they are in the system and are 'known' to CPS.

    In October, he moved out of his house with the ex-girlfriend because SHE was being abusive towards him (physically) and he knew himself well enough to know that staying there would only lead to huge problems.

    If we only knew.

    I had called the cops on them 9/30 because she had a knife when he called me.

    Well- since Oct, he has been at his sisters. I told her to NOT do this- but that's her brother, she's 25 and like most young adults she didn't listen to me.

    My main concern overall - my sweet grandson. My son has, even with all his other issues, done a great job with his son. He takes good care of him- that baby will bring that boy to TEARS (which, up to now, nothing else does)......

    Well, we found out Christmas day that both he and the exgf have warrants for Assault-family violence. She went to jail Christmas night when she went to visit her incarcerated father. (nice, huh?).

    Son and daughter got into an argument today and she has had enough. So he had to leave. He had the baby so he came here - cried, we actually had a good conversation where I did get him to take some responsibility for some of these things happening in his life. He even said that his goal/plan is to get his own place - we just have to figure out what to do about these charges.

    He is working, and I'm not going to speak on that because I don't want to jinx it.

    I swore he couldn't live with me again. But I did tell him tonight that this is a 1 off, temporary situation. This will not be long term. I refuse to live in his chaos for very long- and I'm not- I've not lived with him in almost two years and I'm not altogether excited about having him here now. But, I'm going to try.

    Pray for me.
  2. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    Just read this and wanted you to know I am sending positive thoughts and strength.
  3. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Thinking of you. X
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Good morning Pennyfromtheblock, and welcome back.

    Your story, especially the part about the girlfriend, is so similar to my son's story. His ex-girlfriend is violent as well, stabbed him, has attacked him several times and torn up his place, etc. Finally, it appears they are completely finished. One thing my son has never been is violent toward anybody.

    But as yet, there is no baby. I can only imagine how hard it is to set limits when there is a precious baby involved.

    You are doing the best that you can for right now. I so understand why you have decided to let him stay with you for a short while.

    Just take it one day at a time. See how it goes. If it starts to go sideways, give him a few days to make other arrangements.

    You deserve to live in peace. That is the bottom line. If he causes turmoil, he can't stay there. Sometimes it gets very clear and very simple, and that is good for us.

    It's not up to you to figure out where he goes next. It is up to HIM, a grown man with a baby of his own, to figure that out. He needs to start making those plans right now, given the limits you have set. If he causes trouble and doesn't keep to your house rules, the move-out will be sooner.

    Hang in there and use this forum as a sounding board while you are in this period of time. I know that just the thought of my son staying here for a few days while recuperating from surgery was very stressful for me. I really love him but I don't want to live with him for any amount of time.

    We get it. We care. Hugs.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Penny, this is a toughie. I am so sorry for the heartache of all of this. Know just how you feel, same type of m.o. with Tornado and her babies.....
    UGH CPS. Well, I think the system is just so bogged down. But, you are right, at least they are known.....

    Has your son thought of attending DV classes on his own, this may help him anyway in the long run, and also, if there is a case, show the court he is helping himself. I realize, she is the violent one here, too. I am glad you had a good conversation with him, that is important......

    Oooh, I know this feeling. It will be okay, just temporary, fingers and toes crossed it goes smoothly for you. This is your home, your rules.....

    Sending up prayers, dear. Do take care and give that grandbaby a big hug. Why can't life be a little more simple for us, and especially the babys, sigh. {{{HUGS}}} leafy
  6. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thanks for the replies- it is so frustrating to me- and this is how I know this WILL be temporary- because I don't WANT to do this- and my discomfort will facilitate action.

    I told him Monday that he has enough for a small apartment out of one check and his child support out of the other. I also have to hope that with the responsibility of rent he will be forced to keep his MOUTH SHUT on the job.

    I had to explain AGAIN to him Monday night (I'm out of town this week for work) -not just because it's what grown ups do (work, pay bills, support themselves) but NOW THAT HE HAS A CHILD- he MUST get it together. That I know that *I* (as have many if not most adults at some point or another) wanted to talk crazy at work and quit or do something stupid to get fired, but that when there are kids and bills- you learn to bite your tongue and either deal with it, or deal with it until you find another job.

    I also reiterated that if anything HAPPENED to his job while he is temporarily staying with me, he WON'T be temporarily staying with me- because my days of supporting an unemployed adult are OVER.

    I thought of you all during our conversation Monday when I told him - again - that some of the consequences he has right now (my distrust of him, for one) are the direct result of CHOICES HE willingly made. You all taught me that- to say it OVER AND OVER AND OVER again- not just for his benefit, but for mine too.

    While I do still sit and wonder "where did I go wrong?" - MOST of the time I sit and tell myself that I didn't do anything 'wrong'. I may not have been perfect as a parent, and may have tried to overcompensate for things that put us in this position to some degree- but I KNOW that I tried to teach them BOTH the right things. I have to remind myself that if it were ME then my daughter would be just like him and she is not. I never taught them to sit and do nothing, to steal, to lie, to argue, scream, and yell ALL THE TIME. I took him to counseling, I took MYSELF to counseling to LEARN how to deal with him way back....I TRIED.

    This charge he has scares me. We've been fortunate to this point in not having him involved in the criminal justice system. I see too many instances where young men get caught up in that system which can further prevent success (harder to find a job, probation fees, etc). I am the one that called the police that night that precipitated these charges (that he and the exgirlfriend BOTH have) - but I had to. I thought she was going to stab my son. She's got her own issues, and I'm NOT at all trying to make him pure as snow and her as red as the devil- but she had to have over exaggerated something- otherwise he would have been arrested if not that same night, at least the day he had to go talk to the detective (in October). My fear is they didn't know who did what, so they charged them both and are going to let the system figure it out. That does scare me. But I know it's not my battle to fight- and the ONLY silver lining in this (if there is one) is that if they BOTH end up having to go to jail (I have no idea?)- then maybe that will be what gets the baby placed with me. I have a plan in place IN THE EVENT this were to happen.

    My ultimate goal is to ensure - in whatever way I can - that my sweet grandson is ok. They will RUIN him. He's just a baby. I don't want him to be used to chaos...because then he will live in chaos.

    Thanks for listening.