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Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, May 17, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It appears difficult child got up in the night and got my keys somehow, took cigs and his cell phone I had previously confiscated from the trunk of my car, cut up BRAND NEW rubberware that I;'d bought because the color matched my kitchen and made a water bong. It appears only tobacco was smoked in it. Technically this is not a parole violation but I still left a message for PO because difficult child isn't supposed to be smoking cigs and because we'd talked earlier and I had said difficult child had been great since coming home Thurs. evening.

    PO also told me it was the def attny who had asked for GAL to be assigned- the def attny had said it was the judge pushing for one. PO said no one had asked him if I'd been complaint or supportive but if they do, he will tell them I have and that he has not seen anything amiss in what I'm doing for difficult child. But you know, so many people lie over there I don't know what to believe. He said the matter of my mental health or being a contributing factor in difficult child's delinquent acts was not discussed at all when they were all in the court room without me and difficult child. Then I wonder what was discussed if that is true. Anyway, it appears now that it's the defense attny who will push the issue that I'm to blame in order to try to keep difficult child from getting recommitted at the next offense. I understand that's his job, however getting difficult child into my bro's hands is not in his best interest and will not lead to difficult child straightening out. These things I am sure of.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I used to sleep with my keys under my mattress. No way anyone could have gotten them without waking me up. How bizarre about a bong for tobacco.. I have never heard of such a thing. Do they get a better buzz than through the filter or something? Is it somehow justification of it being ok, because it's tobacco and not pot?! that's just plain weird to me.

    Sorry he continues to be so defiant. He clearly just doesn't give a darn.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I normally sleep with my keys in my pocket of shorts or sweats. I have to sleep in those because I never know when I'll have to jump up during the night. Still- difficult child has tried to remove things from my pocket while I'm asleep. But last night, I forgot to switch the stuff (cash, keys and my cigs and lighter) from the jeans I'd been wearing to my sleepwear. Then, he's either gotten in the trunk or that cell slid around in there and I've smoked a whol;e carton of cigs since Friday afternoon and not noticed. I'm going to check in the trunk again to make sure the cell didn't fall out of the box I had it in- it was raining earlier so I didn't look for long. difficult child had been making bongs before so he could smoke tobacco he would gather from cig butts. So you bring up a good point- if he had a pack of cigs, why would he choose to smoke out of a bong. And why did he have to cut up brand new containers? There are old containers in the cabinet- he chose to open a box of brand new niceones that I really liked and wanted for the kitchen. It's like a couple of years ago after I spent hours and hours painting a room and fixing it nice, he banged holes in the walls and thru the door. I don't act this way and don't encourage difficult child to so why do people think this is my fault? That's clearly going out of his way to get back at me. He had acted so respectful and sweet to me but this kind of stuff goes beyond just doing it because he wants to smoke.

    ETA: OK- I found another pack of cigs so he didn't take much of them if any. He probably took a couple of packs and the cell phone is definitely not in there. I had something else in there I would have thought he'd taken but didn't.

    I just don't know how I am supposed to withstand all the toll this takes on me and supervise this kid 24/7 to the extent it would take to keep him from doing this kind of stuff. They expect me to put more energy into it yet I feel more and more drained and less supported.
    Last edited: May 17, 2010
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont understand the smoking tobacco out of a water bong. He could much easier roll a cigarette out of paper from a paperback book. Your family bible for instance. You would never know. And it is much easier to make a water bong out of a 20 ounce drink bottle than your tupperware.

    I have made more pipes, bongs and all sorts of stuff to smoke out of and tupperware was never a choice. Rubber and hard plastic is not conducive to smoking. It melts and smells awful. I wont elaborate on how to go about making a good smoking
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Janet- he previously used paper from a book and still has bongs made from soda containers and an old milk jug. That is why I say- and I take it you are pointing this out too- there is more to it than wanting to smoke because he deliberately turned around and cut up more than one brand new container that he knew I really liked and wanted. It isn't the first time he has done something like that. Now honestly, if they think I need therapy because I can't see how a contract that says difficult child will stop all this if I cook more of what he wants or I change is sending him the right message and going to help him change- well, I can't see it. I'm sorry. I just honestly believe that approach would only encourage him to feel he can and should manipulate and retaliate and try to use illegal activity to control others.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I would put the cell phone on supervised usage. With our service, for $5/month I can limit my kids phone to be able to only call me (or a max of 10 numbers).
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He came home from school and I ask for the cell phone back the minute he walked in- he gave it to me and is apparently being compliant. We'll see, I guess.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think I would get the "water bong" out and smoke it!
  9. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    No one should be this obsessive over tobacco - to the point of pulling knives - cutting up stuff to make bongs (been there done that) something is wrong with this picture - the lengths he will go to get his hands on it and smoke it - if it was pot, I could understnad - but tobacco??

    K, if he is this obsessive and with this much lack of self control, he really should be seeing a psychiatric doctor maybe for some medications - this behavior seems a bit over the top.

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Would he stay home if you let him have X cigarettes a day? The way Linda is doing with kt? I do think the behavior is over the top and making bongs to smoke tobacco is just plain strange. Cigarettes are easy to smoke. If the filter is a problem they can be pinched off. Why the bong unless it is just an "in your face" thing to upset you? in my humble opinion the bong is to try to make you worry.

    The whole situation is confusing and I hope you can get some legal advice on the whole thing. Advice to protect YOU and to help YOU navigate the system. Because the system is NOT geared to help anyone and is largely set up to punish parents.

    Would letting him smoke cigarettes help or just move the boundary he has to push at? If my parents had let my bro smoke X cigarettes a day it would be his clue to push the number, and to smoke pot and other things. Not that I ever smoked back then, but if I had wanted to and they had let me smoke X cigs, it would be a limit that I would stick to. Difference between gfgbro and me. I am not sure which camp your difficult child is in, but I think it is the boundary pushing one. So this is probably a futile suggestion. Just in case I thought I would mention it.

    I really am sorry for the entire idiotic situation. I wish I could fix it. Taking difficult child to a psychiatrist might help, but chances are he would fight it and lie to the doctor about everything. He seems to want to upset you as much as he can. But if he won't work with the psychiatrist then it would be a waste of money, time and effort.

  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I just woke up and he's gone. He asked yesterday if I would allow him ever to walk to school with a group of friends and I told him not while he's on house arrest by PO (which he is now). I don't know if he's been out half the night or if he left early but it appears he has left for school- I'll go see if I can find his backpack.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    As far as smoking- we had already tried medications to help it and since Department of Juvenile Justice removed a diagnosis and medications, it would appear to courts people that I was making an excuse for difficult child if I went that route on my own. Plus, apparently they think that I was sending him down a MI route because I was in denial about my own issues- not all people but some because this is what my family told them. You all have no idea how much they want to be in control of every deicision- they don't trust mine at all.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope he goes to school. If you wait until they have had time to take attendance do you think school would tell you if he is there?

    Maybe keep the house locked and let him ask to come back in? I really don't have any suggestions. He is so determined to go off the rails that I am not sure there is anything that will work at this point. I am sorry.

  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It won't be a problem finding out if he went to school- but he was gone 45 mins before school starts and 25 mins before his bus comes so he already broke rules of parole - now if he is going to school on tiime this might not be so bad but I think there are enough signs here already to indicate that he doesn't care about rules and nothing has changed.

    PS If I allowed him to smoke cigs I would be in major trouble with the courts and if I provided cigs to him, I would be charged. But I do not think it would make this kid compliant anyway.
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hugs, K.

    Guess at this point, I'd be tempted to call the police and report that your son, who's on parole, is missing.

    Many, many hugs.
  16. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    K -

    Did he show up for school? If not, I think you need to call the PO now.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just called the school- he was late to school but did show up then skipped second period. I am not sure if they are still in second period now or not but I didn't ask her to call his current class to see if he was in it- I assume he's not and just got off the phone with her and left a phone message with PO relaying all this.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Such a huge difference. Everyone knew that Cory smoked...and had smoked since he was 12. I let him because if I didnt, he would just steal them and we didnt want him to do that so like Timer Lady I just provided them for him. We did have problems at some group homes but we worked it out. He had to stash them out in the woods and go smoke out there. No one ever said a word to me. We had such bigger fish to fry.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    We have bigger fish to fry, too, and giving him cigs won't solve the problem and will only give them more to blame me for- remember, they think it's my fault already because some have it in their heads that I am not supportive of the law and their requirements on difficult child. The law and a parole requirement states that he is not to use tobacco products as a minor. Did he leave early this morning and skip a later class because I don't give him permission to smoke? He has smoked in this house- there are signs all over the place. If the courts people want to change their requirements because they think that will make him compliant- and I can see some doing that- tthat is their perogative. All I can say is that I don't think it will turn him into a kid that cares about the rules.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I dont either. We just did it to keep Cory from getting into one more legal problem because we all knew he would shoplift them and he wasnt a very good thief. Cigarettes also kept Cory from using pot until he was 17.

    My issues and your issues are different. Your son seems hellbent on defying everything right now and you dont have the treatment team in there to back you up. I had what was essentially a form of MST standing behind me from the time Cory was 14 till I pulled him from the program at 17 and a half. I always said it took at least 5 or more adults to parent Cory.