Step-son (19) involved with 14y.o.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by motodad, Oct 27, 2016.

  1. motodad

    motodad New Member

    Good morning. I thought I'd see what people recommend about this situation. I have a step-son living in the house who will be 19 in a few weeks. Among other things, he is messing around with a 14 year old girl. He was actually seeing her this time last year, when he just had turned 18 and she was 13. I'm 99.9999% sure they had sex at that time.

    We (his mom and I) had sat down with him and told him the dangers of this relationship. In Colorado where we live, the law says that the age difference alone, despite just her age of 13, and now 14, would get him arrested for being a child sexual predator. Girl's parents (divorced) were involved, took the girl's phone, said she could never be in contact with my step-son... her dad is even a sheriff's deputy, and chose not to involve the police last year.

    Well, we just found out that they never did stop seeing each other. Even though each of them dated other people, they still were in contact. Also found out they were sending sexually explicit messages via text and Snapchat as recently as last week. She told him she was pregnant even, though we're pretty sure at this point she was doing that to just keep him on the hook and I don't know that they've had sex in recent months (though it's possible).

    So I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to anonymously call the police and report it. The girl is just pure trouble and she's culpable in this mess, although legally speaking, my step-son will be the one who loses.
    I'm a father of two girls. one is 17 and the other is 21, so I'm very protective. Plus, we have a son with Downs Syndrome, and if the step-son gets into legal trouble about this, it would be very ugly with child protection laws.

    Do I call the police? Kick the step-son out? His mom is going to have lunch with him today to put the fear of God into him but I really don't think he'll listen. He basically said f-u to us from the previous intervention due to the fact that he's still messing around with jail bait. I know if the girl's dad shows up at my door step, I'll welcome him in, step aside and say, "he's downstairs," and probably 'not hear' anything that happens... but should I be pro-active and if so what steps should I take to protect my family? The boy is basically a pedophile in my view.
     
  2. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Hi motodad and welcome to the group. I'm so sorry to hear of your problem. I know others will be along soon to share wisdom and advice. I haven't experienced your dilemma personally but have been on the opposite end - underage daughter with a 30 year old man.

    I think that the first responsibility you have is to your family, especially with minors in the house. Even if he meets with his mom and "agrees" that he will stop seeing this girl, you don't have any way of watching him 24 hours a day to see if he actually stops seeing the girl. I would think it's time for son to be on his own and suffer the consequences of his decision. But I see that this is your step-son and I imagine there are issues that may go with that. I hope that you and his mom can work together on this.

    If it were me, I would be having my son leave the house. There is too much at stake. And even worse that the girl's father is a sheriff's deputy.

    Does your son have any diagnosis? Addictions?
     
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I saw a situation like this blow up in a close friends face. Their 17yo son was dating a 14yo who decided she wanted to get married and became pregnant.

    The son broke up with the girl and his parents are paying hospital expenses and child support for the baby.

    Depending on the state, 'Romeo and Juliet' laws may protect him since he mat be considered underage too. 'Course, the legal age in your state may be 18. I think our legal age of consent is 16.

    I think I would get legal advice. We had a promising football star spend time in jail because he was 18yo and she was 15yo.

    Good luck!
     
  4. motodad

    motodad New Member

    Hi mcdonna,

    Good question. he has ADHD and anxiety issues, went off medication voluntarily last year because he didn't think it helping, though I observed a marked decrease in his motivation to do anything. He didn't graduate from high school because of this lack of motivation (my opinion). He also has an addictive personality, which is worrisome when directed at an underage girl.

    I'm not blind to the fact that the girl is just pure poison, either. My step-son's (now ex) girlfriend took his phone, and the 14 y.o. called and taunted her on his phone, saying they were going to make a porno together. She's such a bad seed, but I know by reading the laws for our state, the boy is going to get buried in legal woes that will haunt him because he's the one over the age of consent (17 in CO). Plus there's a 'close in age' clause but that only kicks in for a child at 16 here, for the younger of the two. So he's up the creek here, no matter what kind of bad apple the girl is.

    If it were just up to me, he'd be out on his ear, the locks changed, and I'd be sitting on the porch protecting my home and kids... but I'm not completely unreasonable, and also have to have peace in my home with his mom. I'll see how lunch with mom turns out.
     
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Motodad...ugh this IS a problem. It's so hard to influence people who plain don't want to listen to reason. You actually probably can't influence him beyond what you've already done and said.

    Of course you and I and others can see the headlights of that oncoming train.

    Like you said, it doesn't really matter whether the underage girl is trouble or not. Since she is a minor child, she will be the innocent one.

    I would consult a lawyer and see if you can get the step son connected with that lawyer either by phone or in person for some straight talk.

    This is very hard to deal with. I don't know what kicking him out will do, if this is the only reason to kick him out. Does he work?

    What about letting her parents know what you know? They need to take steps with her as well.

    We're here for you during this!
     
  6. motodad

    motodad New Member

    Thank you folks.

    Childofmine, the step-son works part time at a Halloween store (see the lack of motivation) for now, and has passed up many opportunities that I've tried to get him involved in for trades that he says he's interested in. I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make it drink. If he were to be kicked out of the house, I think his bio father would take him in. He's a totally different soap opera, that guy.

    We've engaged the girl's parents and I'm told the girl is "on lock down," and they've taken her phone and computer, but we all know that hormones are more powerful than that. Mom travels a lot, which presents opportunity for daughter to be unsupervised. Her dad is supposedly trying to talk to my step-son's bio father (man to man), though I've told him that I'm here, let's talk. Her dad knows where I stand though and that I absolutely do not support the step-son at all.

    Even though the girl's parents have taken steps, I'm fairly sure they'll ignore the adults and do what they want.

    We're going to meet with a lawyer to see what our best course is, no matter how lunch goes with his mom today. I didn't know if anyone in this group has had to deal with it before though.

    It's so very hard for me not to bodily toss the kid out of my house right now. He's being so stupid and needs to get his head on straight.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Personally I'd monitor it but leave it up to his mother and father to deal with. That is your wife and you have to respect your marriage in all of this. I'm saying this as a stepparent myself as well as my husband being MY oldest son's stepfather.

    This sounds like it could come between you and your wife and I don't think that is a good idea if you value that relationship. You could be putting her in a VERY difficult situation.

    It doesn't sound like he's a danger to anyone in your home unless I misread something. He's a bit lazy but that's nothing new with teens today.

    This girl may be trouble but if they are in love and want to be together, they'll find a way.

    Just my opinion!
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Although the girl may be annoying, and is old enough to breed, age 13 and 14 is still a child, nowhere near adulthood. Not even close.

    19 is a man. It is spooky to me that stepson is interested in this child, which is what she is. If a nineteen year man would have laid a finger on my daughters at 13 or 14, even if daughters had stripped for them, I would have turned your step son into the cops myself. You are lucky her parents are not as protective as me.

    I think stepson needs help and I would not feel particularly comfortable with him living in my house. Him being a stepson is a problem. I wish you luck!
     
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  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    A nineteen year old man with a fourteen year old girlfriend would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be living in the same house with him or anyone that condones that, nor would my minor children.

    If it were me, I would not put up with the situation for even one more second.

    There are a few hills that I will die on, and this is one of them.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Apple. I was timid about being that tough but I am shocked that her parents haven't turned this guy in.

    Many of us excuse our 21 year olds and give them second, third and fourth monetary chances because "They are still so young." If 21 is young, what is 13 and 14???? There are good reasons it is illegal for men so much older to be breaking the law to touch a child, no matter how old she may look or talk. That's abuse and even makes me wonder if this is a pedophile. What 19 year old wants to date someone so much younger??? This is way different than 35 years old and 30. This girl is a baby


    I don't think I could look at him let alone live with him. This is not the child's fault anymore than a rape victim is at fault for wearing a short skirt.

    I have to wonder about her parents who didn't make this a police matter. This isn't 18 and 16. This is 19 and 14 and its stomach twisting and the fault is with the man and maybe the girls parents. This is not your normal love affair.
     
  11. chimingin

    chimingin New Member

    I have a friend, John, that just did 5 years for having sex with his 12-14yo girlfriend! This girls parents let John (25yo)move in and share a room with their child. They approved of the relationship. They were all addicted to Xanax , and partied together for several years.

    Someone anonymously reported them to authorities when they broke up. Charges were filed and the parents/girl eventually testified against John.

    In prison, John had to admit to raping the child (it doesn't matter that it was "consensual."). He is a sex offender for life. Now released, he has to identify as a sex offender to a child under the age of 12 before even applying for a job. He must keep a job as a condition of his parole - obviously he can't even find a job. He must maintain a place to live - but has no money, and no one wants to rent to him.) He violates parole constantly. He has to pay $30 daily for his tether, but has no means to do so. He is back in prisonp again and again. Everyone is disgusted by him.

    I actually took pity on him and paid for him to rent a room for 3months from a family friend. He leached on to me and called me crying for months. I stopped answering the phone. I don't want anything to do with him and I think I'm the only person that has been kind to him in many years.

    Maybe your wife can share this story with him? Look up the parole rules of a sex offender that is released from prison (its pages long, and includes no Internet access. No time spent with any children.) Print them out. Give them to him.

    My friend also has to attend sex offender meetings and listen to other men describe their sex crimes against children. Disgusting, revolting acts.

    Im so sorry. I hope this story might rattle him a bit?
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he was 25 and having sex with a 13-14 year old, he deserves everything he got. He obviously is a paedophile. A 12-14 can not consent to sex in any mature way, especially with a 25 year old man.

    You have a very kind heart. But this young man is very sick and in my opinion dangerous.

    The girls parents should also have been jailed.