sticking to boundries

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by compassion, Dec 7, 2008.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    I am dealing with tonight a situation where my husband sho tends to enable and give in to my difficult child, 15. I am having behavioral contracts drawn up weekly fcusing on recovery. She is 3 weeeks without drugs/drinking and getting very irratble and wanitng to not do the healthly stuff (exercise, AA, wholesome activites) She waned to go to over age 18 club tnogiht to hear a popular band. I had said no, she already has done four shows this month, including ne on Tuesday: my limit is once a month. Also, at these clubs, you have to have anadult if you are under 18. It is disruptive to our family as her freinds, parents NEVER take them, it is alwasy my husband. Tuseday, I dropped her friend off at the club.
    I am sticking t the boundaires but a real issue has been and continues to be my husband gives in and allows difficult child to manipulate him as he is afraid she will get antsy etc. There are other ways to channel her energy.
    I got very frustrated as I am relly trying to abide by the contract and support her recovery. Today she refused to go toAA. I did a meeting with her wher I read lit. t her. Shw qA NOT EXERCISING OR DONG HER MUSIC-SHE WAS OVERLY PREOCCUPIED WITH THE CLUB SCENE. Thanks for listening. Any feedback is appreciated. I am exhausted from trying to do the h ealthy stuff for her and her addict is pushing fr the unhalthy stuff. Compassion
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I would not allow her to go to the over 18 club until she is 18 yrs old. The age limit is set for a purpose. I would think that is a dangerous place for a vulnerable impressionable 15 year old. College age kids have a way of fun that should not be introduced to 15 year olds.

    Is your husband involved in the contracts? I think he should have a part to promise not to allow anyone to break the contract.
  3. compassion

    compassion Member

    Andy, hanks for the support and feedback. That is a lot of the issue. he signed the contract this week but allowed gfg15 to manipulate him. I asked him to please consult me first for ANY change of the contract.
    I really do not like her at these clubs eventhough they are prtty strict aabout not letting underage drink. My daughter loves music . I am goingn to really try thought to support her listeing in venues that do not serve alcholhol like concert halls. We live in a fairly small community but wil be ging to Orlando, Tampa nd Atalntqa whwere this is possible. He was goig to be there but just that atmospher. She is 3 wees without alcohol or durgs and want to support her being in environs not haivng that going on.
    The biggest hing for me was the boundries stuff. I have said concerts once a month. It is a popular band that ussually des not play here in a smaller community. The issue is we are so beat tryig to d recovery orentd stuff :AA, heathly activies, therapy, vlelyball, singing, shopping, holiday activies. It is a balnce. That has been a core issue all along. He does nt back me up and givesw too much control to difficult child.
    We are nt in an easy situation and I need t be pateint. She ahs not run or usedin 3 weeks. I need t foucs on that. Thans for listening. Compassion
  4. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    I am feeling for you. In the book "wishcraft" the author recommends a journel for the times when one does not want to and feels like complaining. According to her it is a release.
    maybe I will tell santa i want one of those.
    I am not the type to be the sgt. in charge. I like directing the art dept/ and planning...and managing the calendar to stay on track...
    when it gets down to forsed labor on the whinning and unwilling...sphthth.
    I am taking my hat off to ya. I have read your posts and I think you are a forse of nature. That why I read your posts. Rock mama.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter got involved in drugs at a young age and they had a dance club for UNDER 18, no alcohol. Haha. She got alcohol and drugs there anyway. I'd say a big fat NO :)
  6. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Dont you have a club scene for youth under 18? When our city was marked by the many teenagers who hung out in public parks where they had rave parties the police and the nightowls (a voluntary parent corps who walks the streets in the nights to talk to teenagers) arranged closed parties without alcohol but with music for them.

    It is actually a huge success. In fact they allow youth to be a little drunk when they arrive and then they are sobering up while dancing etc. Because of the close setting the teenagers are not allowed out of the party area once they enter because when they leave they are going home. They wont have youth going out to depo's with drugs and alcohol and then returning to the party.

    I had to admit that I was afraid that she would party drunk at first, but then we joined a group of other parents and made a dinner for them where they could taste some sweet whitewine from Germany (It is too sweet for most adults) before leaving for the closed party. We all learning them about the water trick. My daughter is normally not very outspoken but she had a good evening.

    (If you ask: The water trick is about to differ thirst from taste. The taste is made out of the first drink and the last drink during a meal. If you are thirsty then drink water inbetween. Many who wants to loose weight use the same drink with softdrinks.)
  7. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    The club scene would be a very dangerous environment for an underage addicted teen. I'd stand firm, in fact say no altogether to it. You're right.

    Do you have a family counselor who can sit down with you and husband and go over the contract, emphasizing how critical it is not to undermine it? That made a huge positive difference to our family.

    As for the healthy things, make them available but don't knock yourself out trying to make sure your daughter does them. It's HER responsibility to work her recovery program. You can set up consequences for her not doing it and then follow through but don't argue or spend energy trying to make things happen. Find something that really matters to her, whether computer, cell phone, or whatever else, and make its continued use contingent on her following the program and going to meetings. Follow through every time, even if she loses stuff a lot, for a long time, at first. She will test but if you're consistent she'll have to make the decision as to whether to follow the program or lose her privileges, and then the responsibility will lie where it should. I know it's hard; warm wishes for success.
  8. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    I so sympathize. My ex and I have different parenting styles and he would often accuse me of caving in to manipulation. He was right, and it's possible I did that to deliberately undermine him. It was a very troubled marriage for many years before I bailed out.

    However, these kids are smart and are genius at prying apart your rules so that they get what they want. It has taken me a very long time to understand just how manipulated I have been. Now I'm angry enough to do something about it and my kids are going nuts, calling me "psycho" and other things I can't write here. I take it as a compliment: I am finally doing my job as a parent.

    These children desperately want rules. I think going to this club at all is a big mistake - she might think that she can handle a little weed or coke or pills or just a beer or too, but how do you just limit them? That's hard for most adults to do, let alone an adolescent whose brain is still developing.

    On the plus side, she's young, and probably will be more easily "retrained" to enjoy healthier pursuits.

    You can't really let her out of your site and it's just too much to expect her dad, who loves her and wants to make her happy, to be able to keep up with all the chaperoning. They find a way around it.

    I'd look into the creation of an under 18 drug and alcohol dance party - I'll bet other parents would love to see something like that.

    The other thing you can do is once a month, if she stays on track, allow her to have a few friends over for pizza and to play loud music and dance if they want until a reasonable time, at your home or rotate with other parents. If you can scrape together some change to book a room at the local firehouse or Elks club or whereever you can get a public room for cheap, that takes the pressure off of parents hosting.

    To keep my youngest, who is only twelve, away from crowds of bored kids who congregate several blocks from my house on Friday nights to smoke week and cigarettes at the edge of a middle school playing field (out of sight of parents, cops, neighbors), I let her have a bunch of girlfriends sleep over at my house and I stay out of sight but within listening distance while they watch movies or dance, or mostly gossip about their classmates. I have food available and make them clean up afterward, or no "party" next tme.

    It's so hard, and I think as we get older it's just worse, it's so easy to let them do what they want rather than listen to them whine and rage and threaten to walk out. But as the parent of a 15 yr old boy who is headed to rehab sometime this week, and will be spending Christmas away from home in a lockdown facility, it's good that you are nipping this in the bud.

    Take care and continue to come here and vent. Everyone understands.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm with katya. You can guide her to healthy choices but you can't force her to do them. You can make her life miserable enough that she may want to go. That is, no TV, no computer, no music at home unless she goes to AA, exercise class, etc. Make it time for time. That is AA lasts 90 minutes, she gets 90 minutes of something at home, etc. You could even be nice and include the transportation time.

    I'd say no to any and all club scenes. She's 15. There are other things she can do. Right now, the focus should be on recovery and that means no going to events where there are drugs and alcohol and this club obviously has alcohol whether or not she is getting it or not. Even the big venue events have drugs and alcohol. It is pretty common to see joints being passed around from stranger to stranger. I've seen lines of cocaine being done while the band played. Beer and wine are usually sold at the concession stands and people do know how to sneak in other stuff. So, I wouldn't even let her go to one of these events without one of her parents being right next to her.

    I know it's not what she wants (who would), but there are CDs, MTV, school dances. The club scene is definitely not what she needs right now, even once a month. At least not for a few more years.

    Maybe you can find some pictures of kids on the street to show your husband. This is where your daughter is headed if she gets back on drugs. By letting her go to the club and letting her manipulate him, that is what he is helping to happen.

    I'm glad she's been clean for 3 weeks. This has to be hard on her. Quitting any addiction is tough but I think it's even tougher when you're young and think you're invincible. Right now, I doubt she is quitting for herself but rather because she feels she is forced to quit.

    If you do allow her to continue going to the club, I'd work it into a reward -- no drugs or drinking for X time (I'd make it 3 months at least for now), a night of clubbing with curfew being when the club closes and a trusted adult present. It really is way too soon to let her go out and play like this. There are just too many temptations.
  10. compassion

    compassion Member

    I just found out she snuck kout to a club again last night. I had let her go to a girlfriend's and she was to go to a movie. I wil try to remain clam but now lap top gets taken away, and no more friend's for a week.
    I just could use some support aobut backing up this boundry. To refresh, she is 15, this is day 23 of her not running away and not using substances Compassion
  11. compassion

    compassion Member

    I found out she really did not sneak. It is a trust issue as we are on day 23 and she has doen it dozens of tims June-Nov She got the CD Sunday night but it was dated Dec. 9, 2008. It was a romo CD. Her communciation skills are very poor so when I asked her where she was, etc. she does not jsut tell me. I know my issue is trust and I am working on trusing her, encouragin her I did tell her I was very proud that she did not do that, go to the club. They did go to a movie. A lot is the ocmmuncaiton is very iffy. Compassion