Still Feel Off - Some Venting

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DaisyC1234, Oct 3, 2019.

  1. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    We are past the birthday party, my granddaughter had a wonderful time. I was finally able to see my therapist last week about the whole situation. He clarified some things for me and said I need to take time and heal myself first. I wasn't sure how to handle the holidays, but he said I'm thinking too far ahead. Take time for you. I wrote the email to my mom but didn't send it, the tone will still angry and I don't want to come off that way.

    My husband admitted to his mistakes and said it wasn't right what he did. He will not parent her anymore which I stopped doing awhile ago. Her rudeness and lack of consideration an reflects on her.

    My dad called and said, basically my husband was wrong but no mention of my mom or daughters behavior being wrong. I told him they all were wrong and everyone handled it poorly and that mom seems more controlling lately. My mom and dads relationship is not perfect and neither is mine, but I realized my mom is controlling and treats and talks to my dad badly and my dad makes excuses as to why she does it, so it's ok, which he tends to do for my brother (addicted to meth), my daughter (alcoholic, possibly bi-polar) and my mom. I never really realized that my mom is really mean to my dad, until my husband mentioned it to me, maybe because I was used to it, but as I think back, she really is controlling him for some mistakes he's made in the past and she constantly holds that over him.

    My daughter found a place to live, not the greatest part of town, but as of now she can afford it with her Pell grant money, but that won't go too far with no job. I offered to help with my granddaughter and take a couple of days off work once the baby is born. I have asked friends for baby thing they no longer use and I purchased a car seat, as they won't let you leave the hospital without one. I hope she proves us all wrong. I told her that this weekend Goodwill has it's 50% off all stuff, so I might stop and grab a couple of things.

    I'm just not sure how to move forward and kindly telling my parents that they need to get some help and let my mom gently know she can only control herself and her actions, I don't think anyone has ever mentioned this to her or if she even realizes it. She used to get into screaming matches with my brother's ex-wife. I want to still speak to my mom, but if she continues to try on control what others say or how they act, because she thinks it's rude or negative, then we can't all have a real relationship, we will always feel like we are walking on egg shells because who knows what will trigger her. Last time it was something my son said in conversation during dinner while we were visiting, so she called me and said I shouldn't be involving him, which I don't. He's 15 I can't control what he says nor what him and Cass talk about.

    I still feel hurt and shocked that my mom would speak to my husband that way, then told my husband not to tell me. He has always been respectful to both my parents and always doing what he can for them and would do anything for them more than their own son has ever done for them. Like I said he was wrong he admitted it and owned up to it.

    My home is peaceful once again no tension no disasters to come home to. Just need to focus on myself right now, but it's hard because I'm always thinking ahead. Therapist is super helpful. It's nice to get an outside view on things. He said not to worry about my mom right now and she is feeling the consequences of her actions and it's important that she feels that.
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    This is my opinion.

    I learned it in Al Anon.

    My business and my attempt to "help" somebody else or point out their faults, whether or not they know it, ends at the tip of my nose. As much as I may think I am being helpful, it is not my business if my dad and.mom have a toxic relationship, if my dad enables mom, if my brother smokes meth or if my kids step up to the plate. And confronting confrontational and toxic people about their problems usually ends up badly. This very very sadly includes our children and sometimes difficult parents.

    The fact is, we can't force apologies out of others or get them to see things our way. Trying to do so often makes problems worse. You can't.fix anyone else, including your daughter and parent.

    There are great powers we all have. We have the powers of ME and free will. We can decide what boundaries to put up, who to see a lot of, who to pull back from, and how to make our own lives good, even though life is not exactly how we'd like it to be. We can accept what is and accept who our loved ones are. We can remind ourselves that life isn't fair. There are many things we have experienced and will experience that we will find unfair. Ruminating over the unfairness makes us unhappy and does not help us. Or anybody.

    I personally would not point out anything to other adults, even family. That often divides our loved ones and may divide them against us, even though we mean well. They may not think it's in their best interests to hear it. I have learned to end my business with me. My husband and I can discuss anything but I don't try to advise anyone else who doesn't specifically ask for input. And even then I don't get pushy.

    I hope you can find a way to feel calm about the party and what happened. Mother in laws are famous for getting angry at the daughter's husbands. My mom is very calm, but she has "calmly" said some things to my husband that had us both rolling out eyes. This is not the rule, but she has. If my mom was very controlling, we would limit contact. We can chose that. We can chose to celebrate holidays with just the immediate family.

    I am sorry that this hurt you, but my instinct would be to rest, calm, heal and decide what you can do so that this scenario is unlikely to happen again. There are no guarantees. Life is not always a bowl of cherries. How I wish it were, for me, you and everyone. It's not, but we can improve our lives.

    You can do this. You are strong and smart. You are a soldier like the rest of us and you have us. You are not alone. God bless you.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 3, 2019
  3. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Daisy C, I am learning to use the principles for dealing with my Difficult Child that are helping me in all my relationships. Now I hold everybody's feet to the fire. I dont avoid confrontation. I do communicate. I reflect back what I think I heard. Turns out, things said or done to me, or from me, are not always interpreted as meant.

    I grew up with parents that were always fighting. As an only child for the first 11 years of my life, I took on the role of peace maker. I believe that shaped my self esteem in an abnormal way. I dont blame them, they did the best they knew to do, I am certain of that. Blaming doesnt solve or explain anything. I tried to figure out what I could have done differently with my Difficult Child. The fact is, nothing.

    I have read a lot on the importance of putting my needs first. So, I am not walking on eggshells anymore. Well, maybe there is a crunch here and there, but I now ask myself What "I" want from x, y, z. It's not about what I wish someone would change, it's about what I am willing to accept. The beauty of it is that others respond well when they know my boundaries. I am getting better at being me. I cant fix others, but I can set limits on what I will accept from them, within reason, of course.

    Let them fall, maybe they won't. Make time to figure out how to be you.

    "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." Maya Angelou

    Love and light
     
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  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Hi Daisy,
    Not much to add here. I think Busy nailed it. You have the tools but just need to apply them to yourself : you only have control over you. Instead of saying that you your Mom, work it in your own life .

    Often what bothers us in others are our own traits. So when I work on myself and clear within myself that which bothers me in another, I become a role model. And I feel better about myself because I do have the power to change myself .

    Take time for yourself. Tend to yourself. Be patient and kind and loving to yourself. Attend Al-Anon.

    Love and light !
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Daisy

    I think you're doing great. You show a lot of growth! You are confronting a powerful and negative family dynamic with clarity, integrity and strength. I agree with everything that the others said.

    Your mom is responsible for her own behavior. And your dad, his. If they live with compromises, it has nothing to do with you, unless you get caught up. And you can minimize how much you get caught up, just facing the truth about how your parents operate. And how you might be vulnerable to it. You can anticipate where there might be discomfort and stress. And choose accordingly.

    What happened with the birthday party was a powerful learning experience for you. Look at all of the good that has come from it! You have completely changed your focus.

    As daughters sometimes we feel responsible to take on our mother's hurts and to solve things for them. Your mother can heal herself. She can also take responsibility for her errors. She needs to. You can only do it for you. And you're doing that.
     
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Wow, Copa. This advice is great. One can confront people without confrontation. We can set boundaries (consequences) when others treat us badly or behave in ways that are unacceptable to us. No words need be constantly spoken.

    If you pull back from your mother, she will know why. She remembers. You already brought it up. Dad knows too. He excused and enabled what you consider bad behavior when you asked about it.

    The ball is now in your court. Do you wish to take action? Do you NEED to take action? Do you feel you must pull back or not? The beauty is, it is up to you. You can decide to set boundaries and see them less and protect your heart. Or you can let it go and decide you want even difficult parents in your life in a close way. We decide this with our kids all the time. We ponder what we will tolerate to have a relationship with a confrontational person. You come up with your own solution, and it's all okay...as long as you keep your eye on the ball and remember that nobody is going to necessarily change the way you want. And whatever you do, do it for your own health, not as a punishment to others. And be the kindest to yourself, an odd concept for most here.

    You can do this. You are on your way.

    Copa, wonderful words again.