Strickt, bad mommy is back!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member started yesterday.....actually its been building up for a while!!! My difficult child is stuck on thoughts and obsessions to watch ugly, bloody, aggressive stuff!!!!
    So to avoid fights we gave in little by little.....allowing Harry Potter....yesterday Batman Returns, Ben 10, Rock band 2 + 3 on ps3.....exct. His meltdowns increased to a level where it was almost everyday!!!! Yesterday I took Batman out the dvd player....meltdown! Today he wanted his dad to download a easy child game....aged 16... His dad refused....meltdown.....He is clever so he momorise every songs word and use it as psycho killer!!!!!
    So now we have blocked ALL viewing channels higher than PG 13 as well as cartoon network....and the music channels! Computers is blocked and all psp and ps3 games higher than 10 will be confiscated!!!!!
    His one best friend is begging me to have a playdate at his house....why: because he wants difficult child to come and help him with the game "world of warcraft" I also know this child has very aggressive games, even " god of war" !!!! You can tell me if you think I am being to hard on him....but said this friend is more than wellcome to visit at our home but my son is not allowed to visit his house....this friend teases my son because of this and wants to "roleplay" these games at school!!!!!
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH yes, I do the same. He then says hockey and wrestling are ok because they are sports, but he likes to just look up the fights and crashes etc. on you tube. so I have blocked all of the channels he uses, he can only get on internet on his samsung player if I am right next to him (except for facebook, I unlocked that because it is really my account he doesn't know the passwords so I can see every single thing he says and does....some of it is actually insightful so I am keeping it open for now). I too block things on tv, ratings, and content and channels. I also have specific shows blocked like wrestling and boxing and extreme fighting etc. (of course the home shopping channel too since he ordered those things thru cable, sigh)

    I think it is an obsession, part of their Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) they get so stuck on their high interest and my friend who has two, one fully autstic and one Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified...and he is the one with the worst social skills, also goes for the more aggressive stuff. they do the same. block things.

    I used to think this must be the attachment stuff for Q but I have talked to so so SO many families who have kids on the spectrum whose kids do this in some form. and I think it is a "normal" interest (obviously, so many do it and it makes money because of fans) but our kids are too obsessive and do not know how to regulate their emotions and urges etc. So for them it is a terrible choice. And at first, when we change the rules they DO get worse... it is like giving up any habit or addiction in a little way, it is maddening and frustrating and desperation sets in. Since part of their issue is it is nearly impossible to stop obsessing, I think it is natural they would have an even harder time quitting and do even more fussing than a neuro-typical kid.

    So, my vote, yes be the STRICT BAD MOMMY ... (ummmm...NOT! it is being a GREAT mom, doing the hard thing and preventing a problem. It is being proactive and helpful in the long run)

    Just MHO! I can SOOOO relate.
  3. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Lol he has a new special interest.....sharks.....I thought ok, not to bad, we will allow him to watch some youtube on he go and watches how people are attacked and blood everywhere!!!!! His friend tel him that he wants to show him how a pirana looks like on the internet.....what does my son type in: youtube....people being eaten by piranas!!!!! Its just always the extreme! I sometimes think because they struggle to interact appropriatly with others...they like to see the utter shock on mommies face when she see this!
    But you know.....later he does seem to feel saver with the restrictions! He will even proudly tell his friends about it....Its almost as if when we make the rules...its his parents thats being difficult and not him being a nerd when his friends asks him why he doesnt watch this or him an excuse!
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well, I am good with that! I remember telling my mom to say no to things when I was younger so I could use her as an excuse to get out of things and people would not think I was being uncool by choosing not to go myself, haha.

    Oh my, shark attacks, we haven't gotten that extreme. Only blood so far has been cartoon blood like little red blops on things in games and I made him get off those too. He has been pretty good about telling me if there is blood in things and not having it. Right now it is more the hockey stuff, he then will elbow or shove like they do so I had to nix it. He is really sad. Actually cried which is rare for him to cry hard snot cries... what Oprah calls the ugly cry. He was like gagging on it.. But if it is that big a deal it even convinces me more he needs to stop. If he just watched a game, like on tv big deal...but to be able to watch the fights over and over and over on you tube... no way.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    by the way, Q did get in trouble because an EA told admin (when he was in 4th grade) that he wondered if people ate people and when she said that was disgusting (he had heard it on some tv thing) he saw it was a big deal and she would talk to him. So he went on day after day saying he wanted to try it just to see what it tasted like and he would share. He asked if she thought you could get it from one of those places where you bury people etc. HE has never perseverated on this otherwise but with this chick because she made such a huge hairy deal about it he talked to her about it every time. Not at all oppositional!! lol
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He is 8. It is your job to be mean and to protect him from himself. I DO know how hard that it. At school, do the adults know they are acting out things from world of warcraft, etc...? Here I would tell the teacher and the office mgr and they would make sure that the recess monitors did not allow it. If the kids persisted they would be forced to not play together because that just isn't an appropriate thing to do. I know we all played cops and robbers and whatever but it really sounds like they are just focused on the violence and need to be more closely monitored.

    We had a LOT of problems with violence and Wiz. I did some things that poeple here didn't agree with all the time but now Wiz has thanked me and said he hated me for doing them but he needed them. I always had a big problem iwth anything that my kids would lie, cheat and steal for. If you "need" it so bad you will lie, cheat and steal to get it, then as a parent my job is to cut that influence out of your life. That meant I put away ALL videos of any kind with any kind of violence. Disney videos are AWFUL for kids who perseverate on violence. There are LOTS of dramatic violent scenes in these "kid" movies. The hyenas taking a dramatic pause and then yelling "We'll KILL you!", The fight in Beauty and the Beast wehre the villagers are after Beast, all sorts of thing. We didn't have cable or any pay tv service for this very reason. I wanted to control what the kids saw when they were little. We spent that money on videos because videos have no commercials and you have total control over them. I would pack them up and store the ones that were triggering Wiz' need for violence in a storage unit so Wiz coulnd't break a door down and find them and couldn't sneak them.

    MANY people told me this was the wrong approach. My gut didn't agree. Some of the psychiatrists agreed with me, some didn't, most wanted me to let Wiz earn time watching these. NOt in MY house. If they wanted to live with a child who wandered around the house looking at every single thing to see how he could use it to hurt someone, they were welcome to. Because that is where Wiz went when he had too much access to violent video/tv/computer stuff.

    Your son is eight, right? You said you were blocking things above pg13. Why is that? Do you honestly believe that the pg13 images have a level of violence that is good for him to see? Forget what he enjoys. Is this healthy for his developing and perseverating mind? Does he need the idea that at 8 it is okay to have stuff rated for 13yos? Our kids want things way before they are ready, and I don't always agree wtih the ratings about whether something is okay for my child before that age. It is our job to reisist their demands/whining and to evaluate if this is really right for them. It is HARD and they call us all sorts of names. have the benefit of my own "you tried to force me to do X so there is NO WAY that X is going to EVER happen" atitude - I truly HATE to be pushed to do anything. Usually it isn't an issue, but if someone tells me I "have" to love something, or pushes me to watch something because everyone does it, my brain automatically goes to I WILL NOT NOT NTO NOT NOT. even as a kid I could control this and was NOT oppositional, but when Wiz would start telling me I "had" to let him do this or watch that, and got tdocs to AGREE that he should watch R rated movies before he was even 10, it was useful to have that side of my personality. One idjit therapist wanted us to let Wiz earn time playing some online rpg by not hitting anyone. Every hour he didn't hit someone he earned x amt of time to play this game. He was 7. He was NOT playing some online game. The game was rated for adults, not teens. It was NOT happening. Even if it hadn't been online, it wouldn't be played by my kid. The idjit therapist could not grasp why I wouldn't allow it. I couldn't understand why he was so stupid (the therapist) because every single note in Wiz' chart mentioned how he acted out whatever he saw on tv or computer games and how he did not understand the difference between fantasy and reality at that time.

    That was us, and my oppositional brain kicking in. YOU have to figure out if these games/videos will enrich your child's life to a degree that is worth encouraging his perseveration on violence. None of us can answer for you.

    I used to take away ALL electronic screens from the kids sometimes. Usually when Wiz would lie cheat and steal to get to watch something. The first week or ten days was pure Hades and then something magic happened. They started using their creativity and became delightful, fascinating amazing people. Yes, even difficult child. Of course it was harder for us because they were into everything and not brain-dead staring at a little screen, but it was worth it to me. The good behavior earned back the electronics and we tried to keep a middle ground but it was hard. We did this maybe 1-2 times a year.

    That is how I handled things when the violence took over Wiz' entire life. I used the guideline of "lie, cheat, steal" to help ME keep the boundary clear. ANY item my child would lie, cheat and/or steal to get had to be removed from our llives as much as possible. I found a MUCH nicer, more fun, less oppositional kid was under there when I cut out the media or at least limited it to Winnie the Pooh/Barney types of things and cut out all the violence. I do know this won't work for everyone.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well...we were fortunate I guess. I have an aspie who loved every bit of sci-fi, violence, video games, the works from the time he could watch them and he is fine. He plays WOW. (I think he still does), he loved all the scary movies back when he was little and would beg Tony to scare him more. Im assuming the younger ones were there too. None of mine took what they watched on the screen and took it to real life. Even my now oldest granddaughter watches stuff on TV and can tell you that whats on TV isnt real. She sort of gets this disgusted tone to her voice and says things like "why would they do that? Dont they know the bad man is gonna be behind that door?" LOL. Then she walks off sort of shaking her head like those people are fools.
  8. crazyeights

    crazyeights New Member

    I believe that when things interfere with "normal" life, it's time for the things to go. And call it bad mommy if you like, but I think sometimes in order to be a good mommy, you have to play the bad mommy role.

    I am strict about adhering to ratings when it comes to my 7 yo. He doesn't act specific things out, but he is just naturally aggressive. And an interesting thing happened now that he is medicated :) I can actually talk to him now :) So when he had snuck to watch his older brother play a game with realistic zombies, and the zombies started haunting him, as he said (terrified, couldn't sleep for a week) it ended up in a real life lesson moment. We started talking about why things are rated and why we should strive to fill our heads with good things. He got it! Woo hoo! And he has since made some good choices based on wanting to fill his head with good thoughts. Incredible! Not that you want to terrify your son to prove a point, but it just fell in my lap like that.

    Also, I agree that something magical happens when electronics are taken away. difficult child 2 is still failing a class, so no electronics until his grade is up. Suddenly he is craving family time, which has also ended up in some great "life" conversations with him. And just being able to hang with him, and he wants to hang, is a real bonus. Starting to question if I want him to bring his grades up haha!

    I also limit video time. When all is well, everyone gets their hour. Other than that we watch family movies and we have a family tv series we watch together. And that's just how it is. Everyone knows, so no one argues. Well, sometimes, but... That way they have to find something else to do and use their amazing brains for something else.

    As far as the friend goes, I think you're doing the right thing. Those games you mentioned are way over the top. There is no reason for such a young children to be playing them. They are rated M for a reason.

    Hang in there. Someday he'll thank you for it!