Struggling tonight

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by gcvmom, Jul 31, 2010.

  1. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Grief has hit me hard tonight.

    I am not sure what I am more upset about -- the pending loss of my father or the relationship I needed but never got from him and never will.

    A therapist predicted this reaction for me about ten years ago, and I understood her words then. I just did not understand the depth of emotion I would feel.

  2. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I am so sorry :( (((hugs)))
  3. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Sending a hug and am sorry - been there done that but from a distance my whole life from my difficult child dad.

  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yup! It is very different than one would think. I cried my eyes out at my dad's funeral. Nobody, including me, understood it. But, I was very, very saddened that day.

    HUGS! You can get through this - just let it happen.
  5. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Many, many hugs.
    It is so typical to "get" something intellectually but not emotionally. Eventually, they come together.
    You will heal.
    Give yourself time to grieve.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    How could you know? I think I know how I will feel when my Father will pass... I will likely never see him again. But who really knows, will I be the brick wall I normally am???
    I am so very sorry.. family is so tough on us and when you think you can deal something like this comes along and takes your breath away.
    Hang in there Chicky.
  9. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    I'm so sorry. I haven't forgotten what it was like to go through the grieving process when my dad died.

    One thing I learned for sure, though, is that the "stages of grief" are not the predictable progression I thought they would be. They zig-zag all over the place, and everybody gets to the "acceptance" in their own way and in their own time. The process is complicated when the relationship was not right to begin with.

    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
  10. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    When my dad died I didn't feel a thing. I had become numb from him years ago. I'm pretty sure now he had Asperger's, which I didn't know about during his lifetime -- he was extremely distant and impossible to please (I thought). Anyway I didn't feel bad, didn't feel good. Maybe kind of shocked that I felt absolutely nothing. That's a loss too.

    My dad died suddenly of the flu, after surviving (as in cured) stage four cancer of the larynx. I found him on the floor of his apartment.

    As years go by I get little glimmers of feeling. They feel good -- even the sad feelings. I'm glad now I at least get the chance to understand him, and have feelings for him.

    I want to encourage you on your journey of feeling/figuring out your feelings for your dad. You're not alone. You probably already know that the story I'm telling you is sad, but I'm telling it to you as an encouragement. My relationship with my dad is still growing.

    It's a hard time. Sending hugs. And love.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs.
  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    (((hugs))) You and your family remain in my prayers.
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    Adding my hugs. I think it's important to let yourself have this time to grieve in your own way. I'm really sorry.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hang in there, hon. I think you're grieving the inevitability, the finality, that you will never have the chance to resolve the past with him. That is a big thing, perhaps bigger than you realise.

    While he lives, you feel that somewhere, there is always the chance that he will come to you and say, "I realise now what a terrible time I gave you; I'm sorry." Even if you knew that was most unlikely, while he lives it is still technically possible. But already it is out of reach and that little part of your brain clinging to hope, is now realising that and you begin to grieve. As you needed to years ago.

    Relax, let it happen. You need tis. You need to forgive yourself and at some level you need to let go your hope and your need to hope that you had.

    There is a meditation you can do, where you close your eyes and relax. let your mind roam back to a time when you as a child had a rough time. You as the adult, now mentally walk down the road to that child. Go to the child, wrap her in your arms and hug her. Tell her that you are keeping her safe from here on, she will never be hurt like that again, you won't allow it. Then take the child by the hands, turn round, and walk back to your life now.

    You might need professional help with this, but it is something you need to do when you feel able.

    This is normal for you to feel this way.

  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am so sorry gvc. Sending support and hugs; keeping you in my thoughts. How are feeling today?
  16. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

  17. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Sending many warm hugs your way.
  18. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Thank you all for the love, encouragement, and wisdom. Your words are very comforting. I know many of you have been down this same path already.

    I am better today. I guess it was just a rogue wave that came in and nailed me, when up to that time I'd been used to having much smaller waves come and go! But it was cathartic and husband was very supportive and encouraged me to "get it all out".

    I got to spend a lot of time yesterday with my difficult child-brother and his wife. We went to dinner and I was a little apprehensive about it, but we all ended up having a very therapeutic evening sharing our childhood memories, talking about things that had hurt us, and learning about eachother. My mom has said that she hopes my dad's passing brings my brother and I closer together, and it looks like that process has already begun. It's a shame that we've wasted three decades growing more and more distant, but better late than never.

    I haven't spoken with my mom yet today, so no status change as far as I know. I may take a break from the hospital visits today. It's 30 miles round trip, sometimes in heavy traffic, but the biggest burden for me is missing my own family. My in-laws left this morning for sister in law#2's so we have the house back to ourselves now. mother in law was somewhat helpful in things she's said about the situation, but father in law has never said a word about all this. I guess that's just typical for them. I haven't had any calls from any of husband's sibs either. No words of caring or support. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

    Again, my thanks to all of you for helping me through this. I am taking your words and advice to heart and know it will help me heal.
  19. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen sorry to come in late on this. I completely understand your grief. I am the only one out of three siblings that has anything to do with my father. He alienated us at a very young age.

    In my early 20's I said...screw it. I'm going to try and put the past behind, and that I did. I have tried and tried to get my brother and sister to realize he's an old changed man. He's had 3 quintuple heart bypasses, colon cancer and a myriad of other health related issues. IT WON'T BE LONG. I am quite sure that when he does pass they will feel a sense of remorse for what 'should' have been and most likely wish they had held out a healing hand. I know he would have accepted it.

    Hang tight, hon. I find talking out loud in private rather therapeutic. (Most people just think I'm nuts.) Big cyber hug to you.

  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    GCV...I also understand the confused emotional feelings with a parent. I was really detached but yet still very emotionally hurt by my mom when she died. I was convinced that I wouldnt feel anything because by the time she died, she really had been slowly dying for years with alzheimers so I had been facing it all that time. I actually broke down which shocked me and Tony. What I was upset about was the fact that there was now never a chance at all for us to have a relationship. None. It was over. I still feel that loss today.

    Thinking about my dad just scares me to death. I will be a basket case. They will have to sedate me when he goes.