Sweet Betsy-Update and Heartbreak

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MrsMcNear50, Dec 30, 2009.

  1. MrsMcNear50

    MrsMcNear50 New Member

    As I type this, I continue to ask myself the same ole question."What else can I do to help her?" There has to be something else. I just need to think, I always come up with something. So sad that they’ve always been fleeting. But there HAS to be a way I can convince her to get treatment….there has to be. She won’t be alive much longer if I don’t.

    Monday was Sweet Betsy’s 21st birthday. I knew she would go out and party, she’d made that clear. But I had no idea I’d find her the next day, beat up, severely. Front tooth missing, 2 black eyes, bruises the size of baseballs covering her entire 4’ 10" 87 lb. body. Huge hunks of hair missing. Burn marks on her neck. I barley recognized her. I’m not sure what happened to her. She and boyfriend started to give me the details and I stopped them. I did hear enough to know boyfriend left her falling down drunk in a bar. Don’t know what monsters did this to her.

    I received a call from the ER at 3:15 am. They said she’d been brought in by ambulance, they weren’t sure from where. They said she was highly intoxicated and needed a ride. They did not mention she was beat up. I told them to call her boyfriend, that I would not be coming to get her. I had made that perfectly clear when she had called from jail at 1:30 am the week before. Arrested for illegal consumption. I didn’t go get her then. I stopped rescuing her from those situations.

    She has lost her son; she has no home in 2 days, no job, no money, no car. She can barely walk. But this isn’t the bottom? There is only one step deeper; she seems resigned to it. My conversation with her last nite and again today, were strictly about how much we love her, how we are willing to assist her in getting treatment. She explains she only needs to stop drinking, then things will be ok. I continued to tell her she needs to get treatment for the issues fueling the alcohol and substance abuse. That she has to deal with the pain and the depression. Today, she said no. I will try again tomorrow. I did take her a Go phone as her was destroyed and I cannot let her be without the means to at least dial 911.

    As you can probably imagine, I am totally exhausted and heartbroken. No mother should ever have to see her precious child like that. Ever. I can only pray that she will hang onto life. Asking you to please do the same.

    Love and Blessings,
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I'm so sorry. You're all in my thoughts and prayers.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    Go to Narc-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. Pamper yourself. Let her decide for herself to quit. I think of drugs like cigarettes. The more you bug the person, the more nervous they get, the more they crave the drug. You an not force this on her. It is her journey...she must take it. Only she can save her own life. And, on the plus side, many drug addicts live a long time. She is young and can turn it around, but all your nagging hasn't helped and it won't.

    I love this poem:
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to know the difference.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Many hugs to you. I can only imagine how devestating it must have been to your precious daughter in such a state.

    I would continue to tell her you love her, and will support her if she chooses to go to treatment, but I would suggest that you bite your tongue when it comes to advice re what specific treatment you think she needs. If she says she wants help to quit drinking, that's a start. Don't minimize the importance of that or suggest to her that it's not enough. If that's what will get her into a program, so be it. You don't care why or how she admits herself, you just care that she does it, period.

    For now, take care of YOU. It's all you can do. I agree with getting to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. You need that support for yourself more than ever right now.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My heart breaks for you. Living in fear is no way to live. Should she ever
    make the choice to seek treatment there are Dual diagnosis rehab centers but they are few and far between. My easy child/difficult child has applied for admission to one nearby and the cost is only $6 per day plus the cost of medications. We
    have our fingers crossed that he follows through when a bed is open. Like you I have spent years seeking answers and it seems that voluntary admission is the most likely to be of help. Getting to the point of following through, however, is a sad lengthly process.

    Sending hugs and prayers your way. DDD
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    My heart weeps for you.
    The pain is simply unbearable to have to watch our kids physically and mentally destroy themselves. I believe it is the worst pain possible, other than death.
    You both will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs. I'm so sorry. I know that you know deep in your heart that there is nothing you can do, nothing you haven't tried to do, to make her change. Only she can figure out what it is that she can change, and she may choose never to do it.

    If she isn't homeless yet, she hasn't hit bottom yet. If she says all she needs to do is stop drinking, that is a GIANT step. Let her be homeless and find her way to stop drinking, and she will find her problems staring her in the face. She's young and beat up and some program will see hope for her and find a place for her.

    You can't do it for her.
  8. Bean

    Bean Member

    Julie, I am so sorry. I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you. I know how you feel, but I'm sure your feelings are magnified. I've seen my daughter in ugly situations, and have had to stop her from giving me all the information about them (yet my mind would wander). It's a completely grouse feeling.

    I pray that she finds her way, and finds it soon.
  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm so sorry. It's hard to imagine that what she's been through already isn't enough to flip a switch.

    I agree....go to a meeting yourself. You need it for YOU. Then, as others suggested....go pamper yourself. I recently had my first mani and pedi at the local beauty college. Under $20 total and it was great!

    I may have missed something along the way but do you have her son or is he with the other grandma? I remember talk of him being with both grandma's at one point but I don't remember when, why, what, etc.

    Hugs. I can't imagine going through that as a mother. I'm very grateful that difficult child is only into attitude and dumb arsery and not drugs/alcohol. Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs.
  10. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I am so sorry to hear this. Just so you know, federal law requires that ANY cellphone, whether it has minutes or not, MUST be allowed to dial 911. Any phone that is charged up can dial 911 even if it is otherwise "dead".

    In fact, DV shelters and the like collect old cellphones for just this purpose--they distribuite them to their clients to help keep them safe.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Julie, I'm so sorry. Many, many hugs to you.
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    My heart breaks for you and her refusal to find a better way to live...... unfortunately she must make the decision........ sending warm thoughts to you......
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Sometimes, when there is absolutely nothing left to do, nothing at all....not anything for YOU to think of? They (our kids) start to think of something for THEMSELVES. It's in this twilight that I believe they find a higher power than their parents, than their addictions. When the last thing they find is the first thing they should have gone seeking, it can be an epiphany and turning point. At this point as parents all we can do is tell them I love you. Everything else has been done. She's not alone - she's never alone.

    I keep her in my heart and prayers every single day. When you tell her the next time you love her? Tell her that she has a lot of Aunties that love her - I'm just one.

    Take care of you okay? Holding you up every day.

  14. mmarti

    mmarti New Member

    I agree with everything everone has said! And while I'm new here I can say that Al-Anon saved my life some years ago when dealing with an alcoholic husband and an alcoholic/substance abusing son. You will find hugs and love and much tried and true advice in those rooms...I'll keep you and Betsy in my prayers. Stay strong.
  15. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Julie, this is not an update I wanted to hear. The pain in my heart right now is making the tears well up and overflow. Sweet Betsy has no idea how lucky she is to have a mother who is willing to say no when every fiber of her being wants to save her. I've been that mother. I sat in the hospital and saw what monsters did to my son because he made a foolish choice. Like Betsy, he never hurt anyone but himself...and when I saw him with the blood and bruising and the pain in his face, my heart was broken. Luckily, we did find the people responsible---and prosecuted---but the incident did nothing to change the actions of my son long term. What did change things was when I accepted that he had to be want to change as much as I wanted him to. Things are not great here---his actions have placed him on a tough road to travel, and it will take a lot of work to get where he needs to be in order to have the successful, productive life he professes to want now. But he has made some changed. He is, for the first time in his life, trying to make a life for himself. It took me letting go---accepting him for who he is, and allowing him to face the consequences he brought upon himself. Hugs...
  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Julie, we've traveled this road together for many years now. There have been countless ups and downs along the way. We've shared joy and many heartaches. The only thing that has remained unwavering is your strong and abiding love for your daughter. Big hugs for your broken heart. I hope she starts making better decisions soon.

    Last edited: Dec 31, 2009
  17. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    Julie, adding my support as well. How sad! It's so frustrating that the answer is so obvious and right in front of her... I hope she figures it out! Stay strong.
  18. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    You are right...no mother should witness this.
    I am so very sorry.
    You must do what you will have to do to gather your strength.
    We've talked before about continuing to offer her opportunity for treatment.
    It is interesting that she wants tx for alcohol dependency. Perhaps it is something you should consider looking in to. There, they are likely to tap into her other issues as well.
    Her addiction to alcohol could be part of the co-dependency and it all goes downhill from there.
    TX might afford hope.
    Really like it that you are not rescuing...only offering treatment opportunities and the go-phone (which is a basic for emergencies).
    Have you been to Al-Anon or Families Anonymous? The support can be great.
    Sending you big hugs and good thoughts for better days ahead.
  19. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    :crying:I can only imagine the warrior mom heart when realizing that your child allows herself to be in such a terrible environment that she is in harms way.
    That whole drinking thing isn't really working for her and she doesn't see it.
    I can imagine part of you wants to protect her and part of you wants to shake her until her teeth rattle.
    She has a mom who still calls her Sweet Betsy.
    I'm sorry she has pain that she can't drown out with alcohol. I'm even more sorry that your pain can't be erased easily.
    Many hugs. I hope that Sweet Betsy gets through this terrible time and finds something that will give her a reason to find her way back home.
  20. I can't imagine your heartache. I'm incredibly impressed with your brave resolve not to rescue her. It must be so hard. You're a champion!

    I wish I had great words of wisdom but I'm still in a constant state of bewilderment myself.

    Hang in there - you are not alone.