I have been desperate . I could read all your posts but lost my password and have been frantically trying everything I could think of to sign in. I was looking for something and finally found it. I need you all so much. Witzend, I really understand, I feel my easy child and I are "terrorized" by difficult child. It is so unfair to easy child to have to put up with all the abuse difficult child gives her. I wish there was a web site like this for the siblings of difficult children. I let my difficult child return home after 2 yrs in group home one month ago, it feels like 5 yrs since he has been home. While in group home he came home every weekend, but there was support and he was basically unable to go anywhere a great deal of the time while in the group home. I had cheap car for easy child to use to go to school. He feels he should be allowed to use it too. so, I tried letting them share. He would pick her up late, he came into her job at panera bread and was screaming f--- you to her and calling her f---ing b----, because she accidently locked the keys in the car. She could not believe they did not fire her. He told her that I was f---ing b----, but will not say that to my face. His language is absolutely disgraceful. He hangs around with hoodlums and has been almost living with a girl and keeping my car overnight. One morning I got up to go to work and had no car. I cried, first time in 15 yrs. easy child had asked to spend the night at friends, difficult child just never came home. I am paying for the cars, the gas etc. Now he is out of money and not working and not in school. He uses me. It is unbelieveable. He showed easy child some smoking pipe - she told me about it, but I cannot let him know that she told me or he will hurt her. Today she said he hit her. He has not done that for about 6 yrs. I cannot tell him she told me or he will hurt her worse. She told me he told her that he is selling drugs. Again, I do not want to put her up as the snitch or he may hurt her. so, I called him and told him that he cannot live here any more and that I do not have to give him a reason. I told him that he has to call to make appointment to pick up his belongings. He got job at Menards starting 1/16/07. I have no idea if he will get there or how he will get there. He never finished highschool. He is supposed to take GED in June but he tests so low he will have to take at least 2 mos to study. He applied for union job with operating engineers but do not know if they will take him and it is not til march.Soemtimes I think he is no good. He has such rage and hatred and does not care who he hurts. Is it right of me to think this is because he never had a good father? I am sooooooooo sad, I need to go back to title of "secretly sad". I cannot tell anyone, no one I know understands, no one has a son as bad as mine. Once in a while I mention something and the judgements come down. It never helps, It always makes me feel worse. The depth of my sadness cannot be expressed. I told easy child to call 911 if he comes in the house, takes her car, or hurts her. He will go to jail. He is 18. I was legal guardian til then, but now am nothing. I will tell them to prosecute him. I think my son is a drug addict and criminal and will spend a lot of time in prison and I may be the one sending him there. I have very little hope, the only hope I have is that someday he will hit bottom and turn his life around. I pray he does not hurt easy child or me or damage property. We have had so many holes in walls and now in new townhouse, easy child told me he put a hole in his room. i just want to cry.(Thanks God I got back to you all) I am afraid of him and his friends.