The Bad Man Was Picked Up This Morning in Relation to the Car Accident

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Jul 29, 2013.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    difficult child called a few minutes ago. The bad man she is living on the streets with was picked up this morning on charges related to the April 1st accident. (When he smashed difficult child's van into the stone wall.)

    difficult child wondered whether we had done something that resulted in the police picking the man up.

    We haven't, of course.

    Does anyone know whether it is a usual thing for it to take so long for charges to be pressed in a situation like this one?

    The end result is that difficult child will be coming home, probably today.

    I'm conflicted about this. It was a fine thing to feel we'd done all we could and that we could go merrily on with our lives without feeling guilty. Maybe, there is a snitch of "holier than thou" in here, too? Yes, of course there is. :O(

    We had a great, normal night with our company, just being elderly grown ups. :O)

    Then, I had the most disturbing dreams last night, about people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves. It was so surprising to me that I woke up numerous times wondering where all THAT was coming from. I was still thinking about it, was still disturbed by it, this morning. I chalked it up to repressed material that my sub-conscious was releasing and working through, now that things seemed to have resolved for difficult child.

    In my dreams? I was refuting Brene Brown and Joel Osteen, even. (!) I'd better get busy and start tucking all that repressed material back down where it belongs.

    For goodness' sake.

    I hardly know what to think.

  2. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    In rereading the Osteen material, I have myself back to a place of trust and even, joy. We are just going to relax and enjoy whatever comes. When we hear from difficult child, we will go get her and take it one day at a time from there.

    Life is so wonderfully strange.

    But in future? I am going to be a little more specific about what I ask for!!!


  3. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Hardly know what to say,
    What are they charging him with?

    I do know that sometimes they issue a warrant but make no real attempt to find that person unless they are caught doing something else illegal or in a car during a traffic stop, attempt to pay a ticket or something. The warrant doesn't go away even if its been a long time.
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I am not sure. I do know the charges are related to the fact that injuries occurred while the driver was intoxicated. I am thankful the intoxicated driver wasn't difficult child.

    I feel badly for the male involved in a way I didn't, before. Before this happened, he was just "that bad man" to me. The truth is that he had no license, no car, no money for gas, until difficult child brought those things into his life. This would never have happened to him in the normal course of events. These homeless people wander the streets, panhandling for booze money. They get drunk and beat each other up. But there are no cars. Other people's lives are not threatened. Given that they are only on the streets to begin with because their brains are not working correctly, there doesn't seem to be a villain, here.

    I am glad the van was destroyed and deeply grateful no one else was hurt. Funny, how my perspectives have changed, as I have come to understand the true nature of what is happening to difficult child.

    It has been so easy to fall into believing we can help her, that she can recover her life....

    I must be entering the next phase of acceptance.

    Rethinking the accident, I realize that, whoever was driving, both the man and difficult child had been drinking. That it was difficult child who was hurt, rather than difficult child who is facing charges, is just what happened that night.

    It is true, what they say. The more clearly we see, the less we feel justified in our judgments.

  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Interesting turn of events in your life...........

    I finished reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly, have you read it? Fascinating material and so thought provoking to consider vulnerability/shame/connection in the context of our difficult child world.............when one's feelings are so close to the surface,....... how we're forced to look so deeply within ourselves to find that elusive peace and serenity in the midst of look at our surroundings without our usual 'that's right, that's wrong, he's good, he's bad', you're right, all our judgments are called into question. Our 'superior' assessments are really just that, OUR assessments.........not the absolute TRUTH. It can be quite hard to let go of our beliefs and judgments and open up to new ideas and thinking. And, yet................sometimes there's a whole new world which becomes available if we can let go............
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I just got Daring Greatly from the library, Recovering. I have read some of Brene Brown's earlier things. I think Daring Greatly is where she puts it all together. I'm pretty excited to begin it. After reading some of her earlier things, I began welcoming that sense of vulnerability, instead of trying to ignore it. You know, that old "behave as though you are strong enough, kind enough, bright enough, and the reality will follow." Actually kind of reveling in the vulnerability brings a sense of calmness and rightness to the situation. I've only remembered to think that way a time or two, but her theories make such good sense to me.

    I'm glad you read it, too.


    I'm just finishing Joel Osteen's Every Day a Friday. That has been a very good thing to read, as well.


    So, here are the charges:

    2nd Degree Attempted Vehicular Homicide While Intoxicated
    Assault (I think maybe vehicular assault while intoxicated, but difficult child just said "assault."
    Two other charges having to do with DUI, and with driving without a license or after revocation.

    This man is only 36. He has been in and out of prison all his life. This is also the man "imminently" dying of alcoholism. He has something called an ARMS worker, which means he has mental health issues. He was raised poor by parents very much like he is. Both parents, and most family members, lived similar lives, and are dead. Mostly, he has been homeless for years. When he is in an apartment (as he was in difficult children, back when she still had an apartment ~ or a hotel room, for that matter), he has been evicted and blacklisted. (As difficult child is, now.)

    Maybe the value in telling this story here, if there is one, is for each of us to tell our difficult child kids this story. However hopeless their lives seem today, something like this can make the nightmare a thing impossible to come back from. Not only that. But how would this man have felt had he killed difficult child that day? Those are the kinds of things all our difficult children are looking at when they get behind the wheel all stressed out or drunk or high or whatever.

    The other thing for us to think about is that, if our kids leave treatment AMA, we need to do all we can to prevent them from having access to their vehicles. I am very grateful the man picked a stone wall to crash into, instead of another car. Driving really is a privilege, and a responsibility. It didn't occur to us to try to keep difficult children van away from her. I wish now that we had tried. Maybe one of the parents here will read this, and it will help some other difficult child.

    I had never really thought about how stupidly dangerous it is to drive after drinking or drugging or whatever. With difficult children, it is never going to be about having a drink with dinner. It's going to be driving totally whacked out.

    I just keep thinking that he's only 36.