The "d" in "husband" does not stand for dear-VENT

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Signorina, Dec 19, 2011.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Remember how husband h and I took a 4 hour drive(8hrs R/T!) to see difficult child to set the "standards of living in our home" per the advice of the psychiatrist?

    Remember how I fretted, and prayed about and worked on the list and polished it for weeks before? Went over it in minute detail w H? Memorized the terms per the psychiatrists instructions? Drew strength from it and the control it face back to us?

    Apparently, husband remembers none of that because difficult child was home less than a day before he handed him the car keys (no driving period until a month of clean drug tests?) and ok'd him going out until 1:00 am (midnight or sleep elsewhere?) and never even bothered to tell me that difficult child went out until I went to kiss difficult child goodnight at 12:30 & found his bed empty! husband was sleeping too and I did not wake him up in a warm & fuzzy, loving way!!!

    I am so furious and HURT. This was important to me and I thought it was important to him. It should've been important to him just by virtue of its importance to me. And when I asked him "why" he threw our "standards" out the window, the answer was I don't know. Really?

    I'm mad but I am mostly full of heartache. It just hurts. There is no way he didn't know how much this meant to me. That alone should've been enough to have it register in his mind. And it's triggered a whole bunch of the "stumbling block emotions" that bring up past hurts in our marriage and I am really feeling awful. He has a history of giving lip service to me when I SPELL OUT what I need from him, and I am re-feeling each and everyone of those moments again today. We're supposed to be on the same page & I don't think we're even in the same book!

  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    It's not just the big things (oh, and this one WAS a big thing)... Even the little stuff. A week ago, I told Onyxx no she couldn't have an energy drink. When husband brought two home, I said, "Not for the kids, right?" and he agreed... Then handed the smaller one to Onyxx!!!

    Is he open to dicussion on these things? Does he "get" why no driving until drug tests are clean? Or did he have a moment of weakness and is now feeling terrible? It's hard, HARD to stick to these agreements, even for us.

    More :hugs:. I don't have any advice, but he could probably use a facefull of ice water?
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    That is one thing I am sooooooo glad I don't have to deal with. As a single parent, I make the rules and no one can go around or over me. So sorry you have to be in this spot. My brother in law is like that with his son. I just don't get it. {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    d=dear? or dumb or disgusting or disrespectful or dull or dink etc..... then on a better day it can be back to dear, darling, devoted,

    Sorry he undermined you with that.
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry for your heartache and frustration/resentment issues. I do understand.
    Both husband and I have done this along the way too...I know it's not a good thing for the difficult child's. They need the security of expectation and guidelines/rules...that is the "loving" thing to do and yet sometimes we parents fail at it.

    Most recently, the rule at our house for young difficult child, was supposed to be that he would not drink or have alcohol at our home or he would be kicked out. Well...first came signs that he had been out drinking and did I kick him out? Nope, afraid he would end up in trouble again and in jail.
    Then, came alcohol INTO our home. Found it in closets under cabinets even in the backyard. I poured the alcohol down the sink but did I kick him out? Nope, once again afraid that he would really lose it if he were homeless.
    And sigh...Where is he today? Jail. And I couldn't stop it with any enabling.

    So I get it, with my own confessions.
    I hope you and husband can get back to the rules together. A mistake is "okay" if you really try hard to not make it again, right? But, trying to be buddys with our difficult child's or trying to enable in some way sure doesn't work. Wish it did.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    This sounds like something my husband would do. He honestly means to agree with me, but no matter what verbal agreement we come to, does his own thing when the situation happens. Not just with our difficult child, with budgets, bills, the cat, grocery shopping, etc...

    Now I put it in writing. I urge you to do the same.

    It probably will not go with the decor of your home, and in my opinion it SHOULD NOT, it should be something that sticks out like a sore thumb. What is "it"?

    SIt down with husband, a marker or set of markers, and some posterboard. Have the rules you previously agreed on - no driving until 30 days of clean drug tests, curfew is midnight, no exceptions, if you are not home by curfew you sleep outside, whatever they are.

    Make posters with the rules written on them. You make one, husband makes one (if you can get him to - the more active he is with making the rules the more he will remember them - so get him involved in the writing to help etch the rules on his brain). Then they get hung on the wall in the areas where they will be seen easily and often. Be sure to include the consequences for not following the rules. Be specific.

    Then husband has no excuse for "forgetting".

    If possible, drag husband to a therapist to help work through this. in my opinion it is very important to have that support through this time of chaos and crisis and pain. Even if he fights going like tooth and nail and almost never says a word, he will likely get help from the therapist - even if he never admits it. How can I say that? My mom dragged my dad to a therapist way back in the late 70;s-early 80's. Dad LOATHED it and thought it stupid. But it was that or divorce so he went.

    About 3 yrs ago my father admitted that while he HATED going to the therapist and thought it was stupid, he did learn a lot and he used what he learned way back then! It was HUGE for him to admit it, and it makes me think that anyone can be helped, even if they don't admit it.
  7. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    I'm so sorry, Signorina. How frustrating - to me, it would feel like not having a partner at all. Urgh.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry he did this. It is so important that the both of you are on the same page with difficult child. Did difficult child come home on time? difficult child's have a way of tearing a marriage apart. I had a lot of resentments towards my husband for his allowing difficult child to mistreat me the way she did over the years. I told him many times what I needed from him and he never wanted to confront it. It got to the point where I finally told him it was her or me, one of us was going to have to leave the house. I don't know if he would have been able to stop difficult child from abusing me but he didn't try. We had so many fights with her over so many things I think he just gave up. Finally he stepped in and supported me, but it was almost too late. Fortunately since difficult child has been gone, things are so much better for us. We make sure we both agree on everything concerning difficult child and we talk to same language.

    I hope you can straighten this out with your husband. Your difficult child will continue to go around you to get what he wants.

    (((((Big hugs)))))
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    It svcks when the one who's supposed to be your partner doesn't back you up.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I hear your frustration and I'm really sorry. What I hear more than the frustration is that your time is valuable, your efforts took time, and the slate was wiped clean for your son - and on his own without consulting you - DF decided to make his own plan and throw out the plans that the two of you had made. What was the use in taking all that time? My time is very valuable, and I don't like when someone wastes it - I wonder if he likes it when someone wastes his time. The second point I see here if I hear you right is you feel this was the last chance for your son to get things right. Kind of a desperate situation/ thinking going on so that too is stressful because you had a plan for what will happen "IF". Apparently your husband did not? Did he forget? Did he change the plan and forget to tell you? I don't know after putting all my time into the plan that I could accept I don't know as an answer. I'd need to know what his thoughts and plan was - what his thought was IF your son did NOT show back up or something DID happen. DId he create a plan B and forgot to tell you? I mean brilliant really if he did - but shame on him for not telling you. You're partners - you should share information - not hoarde it.

    The things in marriages that mean things to women dont' mean the same things to men. Values are different - so this is often why hurt feelings happen - and in this case - I could be way off - but as a woman? You waste my time after I spend it planning and laying out ideas and I'm not going to be civil. Maybe breaking those plans doesn't mean as much to your husband and he needs to know exactly what this means to you.
    NOt just that he did something on his own - and now you're mad. That comes off like he's not a big boy and you're his Mom scolding him.

    Actually I know this - because usually I am the one that does things on my own after WE plan things. Sigh - I don't mean to - I just often see things differently or have a mid-stream better idea - and without thinking approve a plan without acknowledging DF.'s feelings in the matter. I'm lots better at this after 12 plus years - but I really stunk at it at first -

    Hope things work out and you can sit down and discuss what this means to each of you.