The last hours

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Mar 18, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    My Dad's spirit has left, and we are coping with simply caring for his body until it too passes on. I arrived this morning, and his speech was gone, he cannot eat or drink, and he has fallen into intermittent consciousness.

    My Mom has been next to him all day, and the rest of us have taken turns holding his hand. I guess in a way, things feel better because he looks at peace. We have started giving him morphine and d/c all his medications except for his anti-seizure medication.

    His choking fits had been so horrible, that yesterday I asked the nurse, what should we do? Feed him and risk him choking to death, or tell him he can't eat and let him starve to death? It was so black and white - the 2 paths to his death - both of which seemed almost inhumane. The nurse said that it was not our decision to make, but his. Wow. I sat there praying that Heidi went super fast - and did not have to suffer. Just as I was thinking this the nurse looked up at a picture of Heidi and me on a shelf. She said, "Oh you have a sister?" I just lost it. Just out of the blue started sobbing. Poor nurse. She had no idea.

    So my dad is resting, peaceful, right where he wants to be looking at his mountain. I am having periodic crying jags, and moments of serenity knowing this is almost over. I think the feeling that pieces of me are being carved out of my soul is the feeling I am trying to fight the most. It is a physical feeling, making me barely able to eat. My sister, my dad - gone. It feels like someone is taking a melon scooper and just scooping out my soul. I know they will always be with me in memory - and in spirit - but yet on this earth I keep feeling more and more hollow.

    The other struggle for me is that I have always felt like I am not good enough for my Dad. It has been a constant life long feeling, as he could be verbally abusive (and abusive in other ways). More than anything I wanted him to tell me that he was proud of me before he died. And he hasn't. He won't. My self esteem has sort of gotten tangled in the hopes of a type of closure that was unrealistic. I was sitting by his bed, and wanting him to tell me how much I meant to him, and nothing. I tried to tell him how much he meant to me, but I guess it was too late, because his mind was drifting elsewhere. All of the people that don't know him as a father, ie their 500 friends, can say nothing but glowing and wonderful things about him. And I guess I get jealous. Why couldn't he have been that type of father to me? The person that everyone else idolizes, should have also been a father I idolize. But it is really only me that feels cheated and sad.

    Last edited: Mar 18, 2011
  2. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say other than: I am SO sorry.

  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (((HUGS))) I'm so very sorry for all your family is going through now, and for all you went through in the past.
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *HUGS* Steely
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I am so sorry...

    I hope you and your family find peace...
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Tonight may be the night, but I think it will be tomorrow. Everyone in the room was sobbing tonight as they said goodnight to my Dad. Feeling lonely is the biggest thing that is hitting me now. I wish I had said so many things to him when he was lucid - now it is too late. My family is not an open family - so I played my role. Now I wish I would have said more.

    Perhaps the saddest part is watching my Mom break into pieces. Yet at the same time I wonder why she didn't do this when Heidi died. She has never cried over Heidi's death. I guess she is making up for it all now. The second saddest thing is watching my Uncle cry over his brother's death - because I understand that pain all too well. It shoots me right back to when I lost Heidi.

    I replayed the scenario that happened 3 weeks ago with that girl that was identical to Heidi's stalker that came into my house - and I decided that once my Dad passes, and we are waiting for him to be cremated, I will go to the police dept to see if I can re-open Heidi's case. It would bring this all full circle if I could find out how she really died at the wake of my father's death.
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Steely, I get it. People thought I was lucky to have such an entertaining and educated father. All I wanted was for him to tell me that I was his little girl. He always talked about his famous friends. I was just a face in the crowd. I've lost so many family members who never told me i'm special, I feel that I have one foot in this world and the other elsewhere.

    I'm proud of you honey.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Steely what you are living through right now is one of the hardest things a loved one can ever live through. I'm glad they have increased his medications to keep the pain under control.

    You say what you need to say to your dad. Where ever he is, he will hear you. Hearing is the last sense to go.

    Sending many warm gentle ((((hugs)))) and praying for you and your family.
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Steely, I hope his release from the bondage of a life that while well lived is over is peaceful and painfree. The one thing I know is everyone handles grief and death differently. Your mom's tears that you didn't see with your sister's passing may be a different grief that she has with a spouse.
    I tried to do and say what I needed to so that when dad died, he was at peace and I was at peace. No regrets. It's always sad no matter what.
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm glad to hear that he is finally resting peacefully. There is nothing worse then watching them suffer and not be able to do a thing about it. I know this makes it just a little easier for you.

  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You have my sincere sympathy. I have not been in your shoes and am grateful I was saved that pain. When my parents died I did not have any unresolved issues but my sister did. It has been 45 years and she still mentions the unresolved questions when she speaks of our Dad. As the youngest in the family but the designated leader, so to speak, I have offered her all the reassurances that I can but she still carries this feeling that she was not the daughter that Dad wanted.

    Admitedly I don't know if it would help but I do have a suggestion. Before your Dad passes (and even though he is not able to communicate) I suggest that you tell your Mom and the others that you need a few minutes alone with him. Then I think you should express what is in your heart to him alone. Chances are he will have no awareness but I think you need to tell him that you love him, that you still feel as though you were a disappointment and that makes you sad, and then bring up some good memories. Think of some times where you were proud he was your Dad. Think of some times when you were able to accomplish something and tell him that you hope he was proud. Pour your heart out. It will be an attempt to bring some perspective to the years you shared with him. Even if he passes before you can do it when you are alone with him. It is my belief that it will allow you to ease your burden by sharing a one on one goodbye. Many hugs. DDD
  13. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    No words - just sorry for your grief

  14. My deepest sympathy.

    Although every family situation is unique, I do see some things in common with my own experience. My father died last year. I didn't get there in time for his last moments, but his mind had been going for a few years. There was a lot of unresolved baggage and I had realized some years ago that there would BE no resolution. He didn't remember the same things I remembered and his ego was fragile enough that everything had to be someone else's fault and not his. His life path had been such that, regardless of potential, he did not end up being the father and person the loving little boy of eighty years ago could have been. I did have a few minutes alone at the casket and I cried for that little boy rather than the father of my childhood.

    Your father's inability to express value for you as a person and a daughter is not a reflection on your worth. It is hard not to "take it personally" when you're the person who needed validation and love and didn't get it. But still, it was his failing and not yours. It took me many years to get to that understanding and I sincerely hope it does not take you as long. Please don't torture yourself with "what could/should have been" and "if only I had" thoughts. You can't see the past that didn't happen any more than you can see the future.

    Grief is a uniquely personal thing and it has a thousand ways to manifest itself. Be gentle with yourself. My prayers and much love..
  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    It really saddens me to hear you say that you are loosing pieces of your soul. I know that it is very painful to watch a loved one deteriorate in front of your eyes. You, and they, know what the end of the suffering will bring. It is usually the sufferer who accepts reality first. Those of us left behind experience the sorrow.

    We have grief because we have love.

    If we didn't experience the joy, thrill, bliss, delight, ecstasy, passion, completeness, and exhilaration of love, then I personally believe our souls really would be empty.

    With love there is also struggle, exasperation, conflict, trial, and contest. But at the forefront of the negative is grief.

    But it is the human condition. Our time here is but temporarily. If the older ones didn't pass, there wouldn't be room for younger ones to experience the thrills of life. It is our journey to make room so others can live the joy. I would not live forever if it meant my children would not experience life.

    I feel very, very strongly that those who pass know how we feel. Your father knows you love him.

    That you feel you missed out on some of what others found in your father is but a wish in fruitility.

    Embrace the memory you have, hold it close to your heart. You will never loose the image and love you carry for your dad. Just as you will never loose the image and love you carry for your sister.

    We don't have all the answers. One of the hardest things in life is to accept that it is ok those answers are not reachable - that we can live our life without always knowing why.

    It is like a piece of beautiful needlepoint. If you look at it from underneath, it is just mishmash of jagged thread and color, but when you view it from the top, it is a lovely, clear picture. I know that I am often looking from underneath but I garner comfort in knowing that something larger than me is looking down through the top and sees the plan.

  16. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I agree with DDD. I made a point of doing exactly that before my Dad passed away 12 years ago. I can honestly tell you that I have lived these last 12 years without any regrets where my Dad is concerned. I also agree with LDM. Your Dad will know your heart when he passes.

    I hope you find some comfort and I wish you the strength you need as you go through your grief. been there done that and it is not pleasant but necessary. We are here if you ever need to "talk". {{{(((HUGS)))}}}