The latest with my difficult child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Oct 23, 2014.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I dont remember where I last left off with my difficult child... but he moved across the country, many states away with his latest girlfriend. The one time I met, as they were leaving, I liked her but really I have no real idea of what she is like.

    My dad passed away last October and left each of his grandchildren $5K. I am executor of the estate.... so my difficult child asked us for money from that amount to life on and get restarted. It is his money and I have to give it to him anyways so it seemed to me it was a good use of it to use it to get resettled. So they have gone through it pretty fast, but we have been giving it to him in chunks. So he is down to his last $1500 and wanted it asap.... we had quite a conversation about it via text. I just wasnt willing to pay extra fees to get it to him fast because it doesnt make sense why he needed it by today. The whole thing is sketchy to me. So we did transfer the money and he will get the rest today or Monday. My feeling is so be it, now I am done with it. I know they are using it for living expenses but I am not sure what that includes.

    I am sure from his FB postings that he is at least drinking again but how much drug use there is I have no idea. I suspect there is at least pot if not much more. Meanwhile this money should be going to pay next months rent but I am not sure it will.

    The whole thing has made his dad and I very uncomfortable.

    But we decided give him the money and then we are done with it. I have made it clear we will not be supporting him after the money is gone. He says he knows that and hopefully he does.

    I suspect soon we will be in the situation where he is asking for money......and will claim homelessness or whatever. We will need to stay strong.... Kathy i will be right there with you.

    I hope they have just not managed their money well and that it is not being used for drug use.... but I know I have no idea and cant believe anything he tells me.

    The good thing is he is now across the country so I dont have to feel guilty about not including him in Thanksgiving or Xmas plans!! My daughter has made it clear she does not want to see him at this point.

    I am doing ok... living my life. My favorite saying right now is "It is what it is! It will be what it will be!". I know there is nothing I can do and I need to let this play out however it is going to play out. I need to stay out of the way and like Kathy I need to not rescue him when some situation comes up. That may be coming soon and I am going to have to stay strong!!

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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Hang in there. You have got this.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Ditto! I think you are doing the right thing by giving him the money and then being done. Let the distance speak for itself.
  4. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I love it that my friend gave me this to think and say out loud..."not my monkey, not my circus". So, today is my difficult children birthday and on FB he looks drunk. Lovely. We just can't control what they do anymore, if we ever could.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    TL, I think you always do the right thing. This money is his. If he spends it short-term on something bad, well, he just won't be able to fund his housing, will he? He isn't stupid and he isn't deranged. He knows that if he spends his money on stuff he doesn't need, the money for those needs will not be there.

    Distance is great for detachment. And as you found out it solves many problems about family members that want nothing to do with the difficult child. I'm in the same boat. None of 36's siblings want anything to do with him as t hey have heard how he speaks to me and they know he is too inconsiderate to even send them a birthday card, not even when I prompt him so that maybe he will do it. Both of my daughters don't even understand why I talk to him at all.

    Do something nice for YOU today :) Your son is out of your ability to control, but you can make your own day nice :) Please do it!
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    If you can do one thing - change your phone numbers and email address - if you do not hear from the difficult child you can not be involved with him!
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2014
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It will be interesting to see what happens when the money runs out. Your story made me realize I need to change the trustee of our finances. It is too much of a burden to make easy child decide what and when she gets any.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone... love that not my monkey, not my circus!! I will remember that one!!

    Thanks MWM.... I did have a very nice day today and really enjoyed myself.

    I dont think at this point I can or want to change my number and email. I just cant cut off all contact with him. He is not someone who calls and chats all the time... he does tend to only call when he wants something. So I probably wont hear from him for a while....and I start to worry when I dont hear from him... so I think cutting contact would drive me nuts. One thing I have now is that I think the two women he is living with would contact me if something really bad happens and I want them to be able to do that. That gives me some peace of mind if he stays out of contact. So I wont be changing my number but I am also not going to be contacting him much right now either... and if contacts me and starts getting nasty I have no problem just not talking to him. Another big advantage of distance!!

    And Nancy.... yes worrying about their siblings and their finances etc is too much of a burden I think. I dont want my easy child to have to take care of her brother at all....for many reasons. So we currently have my brother as a trustee. He would be willing to be tough if need be.

    And it will be interesting to see what he does when he runs out of money.... I am hoping they figure out something without asking us for money!!

  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

  10. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    I think you are handling things perfectly and preparing yourself for what's to come. That's one of my favorite sayings too!
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I have been a little worried the last couple of days because of what he is posting on FB.... I think maybe things are not great but I dont really know!! I know he has now gotten the money so I think I am going to send him a simple text today and see if he responds..... but I keep telling myself it is not my monkey no matter what happens.

    And regardless I still slept last night, not as well as usual but I did sleep.

  12. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Thats good that you slept some. I dont know about you, but I think im addicted to my addict. Social media is the WORST. I self admit it's a problem for me. I check fb and instagram a billion times a day and I read into every picture or post. Maybe I'll take my own advice if I tell you to try and stay away from it. Wayyyyyyy easier said than done right!? Maybe we can hold each other accountable for it.
  13. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am actually pretty happy that difficult child and easy child dont use FaceBook much at all. Of course when difficult child does it is either to coo over the new boy toy or to rip me a new one for some crime I have commited against her.

    I got off twitter mainly because I hated it an didn't want to figure out how to use it. But the secondary reason was that I feel difficult child puts way too much out there and it makes me angry. I got tired of the nasty and mean way difficult child and her friends conversed so I shut it down.

    I would say to take a break from the social media for a while.
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yes it is a problem for me too! When I would wake in the middle of the night last night I had to tell myself NOT to check it because I wanted to see if there were any updates!! I like the fact it is there because in times of no contact it at least gives me a clue he is alive.... and I do like to see what my easy child posts as well (which is all positive stuff).

    So I think my first step is making a clear choice not to check it after a certain time. Seeing some crazy thing on FB right before I go to bed is a really bad idea for me. So that is my current plan. Dont check it after 8pm!!

  15. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Oh my gosh, me too! I like that, no checking after a certain period of time at night..m I may not sleep the first few nights haha.
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So the first request came in...he asked us to consign a lease on an apartment! We said no!

    Sounds like he is working at a temp labor place which is good. He took our answer ok...dont think he was happy but didnt get nasty which is also good.

  17. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I would NEVER cosign a thing for my daughter and she lives with us!! LOL Don't blame you!!
  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I think one reason my son was reasonable in his response is when he called he talked to my husband first. My husband tends to be more of a pushover than I am but he said right out he was not comfortable with it and then my son asked for me to call him. :) I think however he knew we wouldnt do it but asked anyway.

    You are right there is no way I will cosign anything! I could see us doing that and easily then being on the hook for a years rent!! Not happening.

  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I feel anyne who cosigns for anything for an irresponsible difficult child is a fool. It's like wearing a sign that says "Kick Me." Good for you for the "no" and stick to it or you'll get stuck with it.
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Given his history there is no way we would take a chance...he has left so many places and left so much stuff that is there is no way I would risk being liable for a lease! I learned to knit last year and started making my first sweater ever. I have been working on it since feb. I am very proud of myself....I had decided at the time to make it for him as he was doing well and I wanted him to be wrapped in my love. Well now that I have worked so hard on it I realize how upset I would be if he left it or lost it....I think I am going to keep it for myself at least for awhile!