The saga and burden continue

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Payla, Apr 11, 2013.

  1. Payla

    Payla New Member

    i haven't posted for awhile. To recap, about 5 weeks ago difficult child was thrown out of sober house for missing a mandatory meeting, staying at brothers house, with us back to paying for his food and gas and keeping his dog in basement since she can't be be near our cats. He got a job after weeks off "trying" and always needs ridiculous amounts of money for gas and cigarettes food etc.. The job has lasted about a week and I am away at a family wedding with husband and youngest daughter. Got a text from oldest easy child daughter to call him as he had a quick question. I called him from daughter's phone as he does not have my cell number. He just wanted to tell me he missed work cuz no gas money. I am 2000 miles away and left him with plenty of money for gas. I told him don't try to get in touch with me while I'm away and I'm sorry he doesn't know how to live. I am seeing the same horrendous disfunction that was a nightmare last summer. I may have to go back to enforcing the restraining order in place and get him arrested for calling me at work constantly which is only place he can call me at. It is such an incredible burden. I am meditating and going to counseling but I just can't believe it may come to him going to jail. It is a small town and having him homeless and just so incapable of living is awfuL!!!!! I dread another summer like I had last year. It never goes away. I have managed to get much more detachment than a year ago but boy oh boy I am tired.
  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Oh Payla. I'm so sorry! I can relate to how much of a burden it is. I'm going through a horrific situation with my difficult child as well right now and it seems like it will never end. It's exhausting. I wish I had advice to give but I'm pretty much in the same situation as you. A difficult child who won't follow rules, gets thrown out of everywhere he goes, has no resources, and wants ME to fix it all. Ugggggh! Sending you lots of support and gentle hugs!
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    OH boy, I'm really sorry Payla, I can only imagine how tired you are of all of this. I have no words of wisdom, I think you know what is necessary and appropriate. I just wanted you to know I read your post and I so empathize, it is really, really hard. My heart goes out to you..............focus on you while you're away, put it aside and deal with him when you get home..............hugs.............
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    We have felt that way too, Payla. I know you want him near so you can help, but would it be possible to find him something in a larger, nearby city? YMCA, homeless shelter, whatever. If you could find something workable, you could present him with that option and a move out date you will stick to unless he picks up and does the right thing.

    We found it impossible to enforce anything or require any changes unless we had traction. Eventually, it would always come to difficult child finding a job through the internet, and co-signing for an apartment. I understand that is not what we are supposed to do? But when you are in a small town with limited options for employment and the difficult child does not want anything to change because HE is content...that was the only way we knew to change our own situation and retake control of our lives. (I am talking about a different difficult child than the one listed in my profile. Oy Vey.)

    It's just too convenient that his money was gone just at the time you were out of town.

    We used to hide money in various places in the house. When difficult child needed money, we would tell him where it was, one hiding place at a time. (We are gone for weeks or months at a time, some times.)

    Eventually, that stopped working of course. difficult child would tear the house apart, find the money, and that would be that.

    It's such a strange, nightmarish world we live in, when our children are in trouble.

  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sorry to hear what is going on. We just started to try to help our son to budget. Maybe you can try helping him write down a daily budget and something like the envelope budget system. Something like, you have x amount of money today to by cigarettes which is to last you x amount of days, etc. That's the only thing I can think of for spending habits. Hugs to you.
  6. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Thanks everyone. difficult child IS going on 34. He doesn't live with us anymore. As far as teaching him budgeting or finding him a place out of town; that train has left the tracks. He is approaching middle age ! I am working on finding peace and the ability to live a joyful life despite him. He knows we love him but he just refuses or is unable to live responsibly and he is very aggressive in making demands for support. I am working on slowly but surely backing off on the financial support . The problem is he gets crazy when you start saying no, hence the restraining order which he violates constantly and I have yet to report him but it may come to that and it makes me so mad that he forces things to this high level of drama.
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Oh, cheesh! I thought difficult child was in his twenties.