The time has come - also posted in General

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by zigweegwee, Mar 14, 2007.

  1. zigweegwee

    zigweegwee New Member

    I haven't posted in a couple of years because everything we were all doing seemed so useless. Now, we may be at the end of the line. difficult child turned 18 last week and has known for the past 2 years that he had to move out when he either turned 18 or graduated high school later that same year.

    Well...he hasn't gone to school since mid-December. Naturally, all the school has done is try to get me to sign him out, which I refused to do. They threatened to take me to Court for his truancy if I didn't, but I haven't bowed to them in years. Now that he's 18, they sent him a withdrawal form to sign along with a request that he return all his school books. So helpful. So, now, he's avoiding school, avoiding me, avoiding everything. Said he was going, didn't go. Stays in bed when I'm home, eats junk and watches tv when I'm not. I've drafted a letter outlining the above and giving him until the end of the week to either return to school or pack up his things. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or if I should start legal eviction proceedings, so that the sheriff will drag him out bodily. I don't do anything for him - no cooking, no laundry, no chauffering (except to or from his part-time work) to make him want to stay. He seems to think that if he pays me rent, I will let everything else go just because I love him, which of course I do. Not gonna happen, though. But I still need direction.
  2. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: zigweegwee</div><div class="ubbcode-body">... I've drafted a letter outlining the above and giving him until the end of the week to either return to school or pack up his things. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or if I should start legal eviction proceedings, so that the sheriff will drag him out bodily. ... </div></div>I think, that if you think it's necessary, then it is the right thing to do. I have no idea how eviction works, legally speaking, in your jurisdiction; some make it almost impossible to get rid of a tenant. It may be differen with an adult family member in your own home. Wishing you well.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I can tell you this. One time I wanted to toss Cory out on his behind because he was acting like a horses patootie and I had called the cops on him. They refused to remove him because "this was his legal home" and if I wanted to have him gone I had to go through the eviction process. Boy was I ticked!

    We had told him a month prior that he had to leave at the first of the month because of his actions and he was still being a pain so I told him to leave. Well that wasnt good enough. I was told I had to do it all legal like.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, it must be different in each state. In Georgia, once they turn 18 you can put them out of the house. When difficult child left after an explosive exit, she tried to come back but we had locked all of the doors. She started banging on the windows so husband called the police.

    They came and told her that now that she was 18, she would have to leave or they would arrest her.

    Thanksfully, she chose to leave.

    Ours is a long story but ultimately, making her go it on her own has been a good thing. She is now living in an apartment with a roommate and paying her own bills. Even better, she treats us nicely when we see her.

    Stay strong and make him leave. Otherwise, nothing will change since he has a roof over his head and basically no responsibilities.

  5. zigweegwee

    zigweegwee New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body">We had told him a month prior that he had to leave at the first of the month because of his actions and he was still being a pain so I told him to leave. Well that wasnt good enough. I was told I had to do it all legal like. </div></div>

    That is my concern - that it wouldn't be good enough to just write him a letter and lock him out while he's at work (although I have to hire the locksmith, first) if he continues to ostrich out on me. I really hate this - he's such a sweet, big-hearted person. The ODD just ruins everything.
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am wondering if because they pay rent you would have to evict them&gt;??? gee I am not sure. I am wondering why your son doesnt want to do anything. does he work? does he pay rent?

    ant rents from me and works but I will still throw him out for disrespect of me or my property if need be.
  7. zigweegwee

    zigweegwee New Member

    ant's mom, I was thinking eviction only because that would mean someone was literally dragging him out the door legally. My son doesn't want to do anything because that's the way he's always been. I don't understand it, either. No one does. He's really bright, but no one has ever been able to motivate him in any way - not teachers, not therapists and definitely not me. His only complaint about his life is that he doesn't have a car and that I work too much to get him to social gatherings. Gee, tough to be you. He loves to read and play video games that he's got hidden somewhere, and I assume that's what he does while I'm at work. He does work a part-time job and has miraculously held it since last summer. He threw $190 at me "for rent - if you think that's not fair, I'll give you more," thinking I would just let him continue to do nothing if he gave me money. I told him he wouldn't be living here much longer if he didn't go to school, so paying rent to me was irrelevant. He said he'd be going to school, but still hasn't gotten there, blaming me, of course. He said he was &lt;i&gt;going&lt;/i&gt; to go, but I stopped him by bludgeoning him with it (his word). I can't let him just stagnate in his room. I really thought he would move in with the friends he's been talking about moving in with for the last six months. It never occurred to me that he would stay put and continue to do nothing - I thought it was just his last bit of rebellion before he left at 18. How do I get him to either go back or go pack???
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Kathy,...I think the reason you didnt have problems was your dtr had left on her own accord then tried to come back. Therefore she didnt really LIVE there anymore...she had stormed out and moved. She may not have really set up housekeeping anywhere else but she left.
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    She left after a fight but was still living there at the time. The police officer told her that after she turned 18 she could only live there if we said she could.

    Now when she was 17 we were told that we couldn't kick her out but that if she left on her own accord, we did have the right to refuse to let her come back.

  10. zigweegwee

    zigweegwee New Member

    Kathy and Janet, I just called my local police who told me that yes, he can live in my house without my permission unless I evict him. I should have known.
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is there a certain age that you can lock him out in New Jersey? Surely, they can't expect you to let him live with you forever.

    Did you ask what the eviction process was?

  12. zigweegwee

    zigweegwee New Member

    Kathy, there is no age limit for letting him stay. The police officer laughed when I asked her if the only other way I could get rid of him was to move elsewhere, myself, but agreed that it's true. I work for an attorney and I know what the NJ eviction process is. It takes about 4 months of filing with the Court, sending notices by certified mail (which I know he will not read) and then having the sheriff come if there has been no compliance. It's not pretty.

    Nomad, that is my dilemma. I realize those two positives are huge and sending him out into the big, bad world is not a good idea, either, but he refuses to go to school, get his GED, help around the house, or respect curfew. He literally expects that if he's working part-time and paying me rent that I will let him live forever like "a lazy slug" as you so nicely put it. I don't think I'm doing him any favors by allowing that, either.
  13. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Zigwee,I went through the same thing with my difficult child. Its no fun! I classified her as a pro teen blob, Lol!! She had all of these expectations but never wanted to do anything to earn it.... But I did not give in anyways, I did the same as you, No laundry for her, No special treatment. Just made clear to her what my expectations were and if she did not make effort then she would have to find another place to blob. Its so sad that our kiddos just simply think that its ok to just take and never participate in giving back let alone be the responsible human that we have raised them to be. It seems that this era of teens and young adults (18) have an attitude that they are entitled regardless of their bad choices or by simply just being lazy. Its scary having to let go, Its the unknown that is the scariest of all. Always worried if they are safe and ok. But you are right when you say that you are not doing him any favors by allowing him to stay and continue doing what he is doing (Nothing at all).As far as my difficult child, I decided to let go so that she can be the woman and adult that she thinks she is at 18 although I know that she sure has allot of growing up and maturing to do. Its hard but there comes a time when we have no choice but to put our foot down with the hopes that they will finally see the reality of life and how hard it is out there. Hopefully One day my difficult child and yours will know this reality and become responsible adults. Stay tough Zig.