The wall, and thoughts on voc. ed counseling?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by slsh, Apr 17, 2012.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    thank you has hit the wall. I suspected it was coming (and may I just say that the wall at 21 is a beautiful thing compared to the wall at 9, 12, 14, 16, etc. ;) ). He claims to be applying for jobs left and right (and based on the tears this evening, I suspect that's probably more true than not), yet isn't getting any call backs. Not sure what type of jobs he's applying to. Not sure it matters? Maybe it does.... I dunno.

    Has dropped 3 of 4 classes this semester. Part of his problem is it seems to be almost physically painful for him to ask for any kind of help and by the time he does, it's beyond too late (in terms of school work).

    He wants to be a forensic psychologist but right now is totally overwhelmed at the amt of schooling it will take. He still has a bit of the same old problem of not being able to hit all the steps to get from point A to point B, but he recognizes it now. He claims he could do the work but it just seems so pointless to him at this early stage, and his motivation is severely flagging. Personally, I'm not sure he actually *can* do the work. He's smart enough but.... I don't know how to describe my gut feeling - I'm just thinking school may not be the thing for him.

    He's bored out of his skull. He craves action, activity, movement. School just doesn't do it for him. husband and I work umpteen hours a day and are wiped out by evening. Weekends are not terribly "exciting" in thank you's eyes, though we did recently sign all the kids up for the gym and are working on that. But the gym will only go so far for him. He does have a social life, though I think is becoming very dissatisfied there as well - kids like him with- not a whole lot of direction.

    He wants to be told what to do. (someone just shoot me) I have a PhD in detachment and *now* the kid wants me to tell him what to do?

    He's talking to an Army recruiter tomorrow. He's given me permission to talk to a private voc rehab company that serendipitously I happened to find out in the last week has just moved to our village. He refuses state Dept of Voc Rehab because he would have to have a psychiatric evaluation first and he's adamantly against that (he's still on SSI - why/how, I don't know - that's between his representative payee, him, and Social Security). Any other options/ideas on how to get a voc ed evaluation or someone to help him get headed in the right direction?

    He's desperately unhappy and feeling like a failure. He's guilty about living here, about asking for any help with anything. I think a lot of it is pretty typical early 20s what-the-heck-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life crud, but it's compounded by ... I think he's got the sense that he's permanently messed up his life because he was such a difficult child and that that somehow is going to color everything forever. Does that make sense? Watching baby brother going thru the process of applying to colleges, with a pretty stellar academic history to back him up, isn't helping a lot, though I did point out that Weeburt said to me just this afternoon that *he* wants me to tell him where to go to college. ACK!!! Somehow I didn't pass on good decision-making skills to these 2 boys.

    Anyway - anyone have suggestions on suggestions I can make to thank you? He needs direction, and *really* needs to get a couple of life successes under his belt at this point. We need to get him his driver's license, but timing is an issue - husband and I are just going to have to commit to spending time in a car with- him, it's just so darn hard to find that time.

    He is never good enough for himself, nothing happens fast enough for him, and he's got such baggage from the bad old years. I ache for him, truly. I don't necessarily want to "fix" this for him, but he certainly needs a little direction and quite frankly, I'm at a loss for which direction to point him in.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Besides the Sate Voc Rehab, the only other place that does some of the career exploration stuff is what's called here the WorkForce Center. Is there something similar in your area? They are not disability-based but they have LOTS of resources, classes, assessment tools, etc to help anyone find and keep a job. Sorry I can't be of more help.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    What is his fear of the psychiatric evaluation? Not saying not to be afraid, I'm just curious. Poor guy, I think it is so much harder on people who understand they are unique in a challenging way and have to face that in what can be a very hurtful world.

    Our dvr contracts with private agencies for some, any way to check to see if they do that? THe therapy establishment (large brain trauma and developmental rehab corp that has been around for many many years) that Q goes to has a rehab division and they said that when he is old enough he can work with them, we just have to go thru the state dvr people.........
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    Sorry he's so stuck. I can's help with direction, but I can help by saying that ppl are NOT magnets. With magnets, opposites attract. With ppl it's just, well, the opposite. Positive ppl attract positive ppl. negative ppl attract negative ppl. thank you needs some positive affirmations. He needs to repeat them to himself (out loud in front of the mirror) until it becomes second nature. If that's too goofy, got old school and write them out 100 times a day.

    Job market is really tough these days. I don't know how he's applying for these jobs, but if any are in person, he's got to have "his game on" just to drop off that application. If he's applying online, some venues are better than others. I use 3 local online job search engines and only one of them got me any action at all, and by that I mean I got one call for an interview.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Has he looked into Job Corps? There is one in J-town.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sue...I think if he can get in the military he would be happy as a pig in mud. He is smart enough to get good ASVAB scores so he can pick a good MOS and get a job doing something he would be happy doing. Since he wants activity, make it preferably This is why Jamie went for military police. He didnt want to be stuck behind a desk somewhere. Just today Jamie called me crowing about the new 2012 Ford F250 truck they got And he has just applied for a game warden position. All that from being in the Marines as a MP. He loves being outside. I still cant get Jamie to go to college.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Military might be the ticket as Janet said.

    How about a decent tech school? They're not geared the way community or 4 yr colleges are........they tend to be more success oriented, as in are our students able to find jobs when they're done type thing. Often their programs are much shorter than those of a college AND offer on the job experience, which would give him a head start when looking for work.

    Travis flourished in the tech school. He's not doing horrid in college, but he's not flourishing either, he's struggling for various reasons.
  8. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Thanks all.

    Tedo - Adding WorkForce to my list of things to check. Thank you.

    Buddy - It's not so much he's scared or worried about a psychiatric evaluation. More like he has a Pavlovian need to mess with- the evaluator, LOL (he intentionally convinced a psychiatrist at age 10 he was schizophrenic). Hard to put into words, but he's been evaluated up, down, and all around since he was 6 - he doesn't trust psychiatrists/tdocs. Even knowing that an honest evaluation (on his part) might open doors to services isn't enough to get him to participate - we talked about it last night. I think it's a slam-dunk he's depressed, but he's also pretty adamant about no medications.

    Keista - yep, and I think difficult children are especially attracted to other difficult children. He's never done well with praise or positive reinforcement (his response has consistently been to wig out), and I think affirmations are not in his bag of tricks. Compared to where he was 2 years ago, his circle of friends has dramatically improved. Baby steps.

    JJJ - excellent idea. I had forgotten about them. He had a friend go there out of TLP and I think she did pretty well. Will bring that up.

    Janet - that's exactly his thinking. Military would keep him active and moving. He says he took the ASVAB during the lost years up in Chicago and scored 92? He was hoping to get a full semester of college under his belt so he could go in Navy or Marines with- his GED but I just don't think he's going to make it (right now). He said Army will take him as is. There is of course the minor detail of a possession charge as a minor, and he felt the need to be naked honest with- recruiter. Sigh... my very limited understanding was that it was a deferred (can't remember the actual term, think it begins with- "a") charge that would be removed from juvie record if he didn't get into anymore trouble, which he didn't, but he said recruiter could verify that it's gone. thank you and TLP didn't involve me in that at all so I'm not sure. I also think he might do very well in military.

    Lisa - Yes! Tech schools. Was trying to pull that out of the hat last night but couldn't. Will also check on that today.

    Thanks again, all. Will get to work on mapping out some new options with him.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Lots of leads! Hope at least one of the options both appeals to him and works out. Let us know how things are going, OK? Warrior mom.....activate!
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    slsh, I don't think we can fix it but helping to guide them to investing in the process is a good life skill that they need when parents aren't around. I want my kids to learn good decision making skills and taking initiative. easy child takes initiative to a new level. I don't even know who his doctors are. difficult child struggles with focusing on the end goal and the steps to get there.
    We spent a year working with the state. It's always the bottom of the barrel work and just not suited with difficult child's disabilities. I really pushed for him to have a job with UPS or FedEx. A salary he could survive on, good benefits, a chance to move up, simple enough work but physical. Unfortunately, after 2 good interviews with state job coach and company they never called him back. I was really disappointed but he doesn't have a consistent job history.
    If thank you has academic skills which my difficult child doesn't then a traditional, vocational program may do the thing for him. There are quite a few accredited on line schools that may interest him. Sometimes states will pay tuition if it leads to jobs and getting off SSI. (my goal)
    by the way, my easy child is planning an on line advanced degree. I was horrified but husband says that they are gaining in respectability and the university he is applying to is a premier university. Sounds strange to me but I'm out of the cyber loop I guess. thank you may benefit from that sort of program if he has academic ability.

    I know, as you know, if they had the right mentor and supports that they can lead a full meaningful life with work that they can live on and with. It's just hard to find. Good luck.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Have you checked out Volunteers of America? They have a presence in our community and do have Job Coaches as well as reduced cost apartment complexes etc. DDD
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It might help if you read up on fear of success. in my opinion that is a big part of thank you and many of our difficult children. I don't know if it would help for him to read it, or if he would, but it could help you understand him. if you succeed then there is pressure to do more and better, and that is terrifying for some of us and our kids. if you fail, no one expects much of you.

    if you type 'fear of success' into the search box on amazon and select books as the area to search, quite a few titles come up. it might help you understand how to reach him.

    the military sounds like a good option for him. He also needs some success now. get him to get out of the house and do some volunteer work. for a lot of people, working with an animal shelter is very helpful. he could go and walk or play with dogs and they would love it and he would know he is helping. or he could do a lot of other things because just about every other group on the planet needs help right now. volunteers of america have great resources as far as job coaches and they also have lots of opportunities for volunteer work. often some volunteer work is helpful to making connections to get a job and to show you are willing to work.

    i hope that you can help him get onto a path that will be satisfying for him. if he is going military, please have him start training for the physical parts of the job - they can be very discouraging if you are not prepared for them.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sue, lots of kids have a run in with the law as juvies and go into the military. I know that several of the Marines that I met when I was hanging out with Jamie told me that they went into the Corps because they were about to go down the wrong path with drugs so they turned to the military. I know they were willing to talk to me openly because they knew about Jamie and Cory and our family. Jamie wasnt shy about telling anyone anything. I have also had the Army recruiter tell us that if Cory had only had his GED he could have gone into the that was long before his felonies. But they also didnt see his physical disabilities either and I had to tell them they wouldnt take him on a bet because of them. His juvie record wasnt the issue.

    I think thank you would love the military, no matter what branch he went into. Number one, lets face it, he has been pretty much institutionalized for a good part of his life and the military is nothing if it isnt structure based. It would give structure but without being in a 4 wall containment. Oh as far as that 92...thats good. I bet he would do even better now. I think Jamie got a 98 and that opened up any number of jobs for him. MP is a really high job because you have to have a security clearance. Jamie had a top security clearance and no, Cory didnt hurt him.