The Weekend Woes, Again. ((sigh..))

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Chasejazz, Aug 16, 2019.

  1. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz Member

    So, I get this text from OB(Oldest Boy) saying "if you have mail for me, leave it in the mailbox and I'll swing by on Sunday and get it...".
    (He's trying to get his birth certificate mailed from out-of-state. I had already gave him the original last year and he promptly lost it, so who knows?)
    There's a letter here from Vital Statistics office. I know there's no certificate bc it's restricted. Long story but he's gonna lose it when I give him the letter.
    I really don't need this crap.
    Every weekend lately there's been a text, a voicemail or an unexpected knock on the door from him. I'm more or less fine all week and then [email protected]#!!...drama!!!
    I swear. Every single contact with him gets me going again. It drives me crazy!
    When I put him out in May, after The Last Crazy Fight I Could Stand For The Rest Of My Life, he totally disappeared for about a month. ((Poof!!)) Initially, I worried. I cried. I was a wreck.
    It hasn't been that long since OB's been homeless/living in his car, but I have nights now when I can sleep. I have surrendered to the fact that I did all I can for him. He's 40 and needs to make it work somehow, somewhere. I'm so very very very done, and I'm learning to stay busy and take care of Me. Finally!
    I don't know what it is about weekends, but just when I think I can have a single FULL decent, calm and uneventful week, something surfaces on the weekend and throws a monkey wrench into it. Arrrrggghhhh!!!
    For instance, last weekend I heard from my Ex that YB (Youngest Boy) -- my family-distancing overachiever -- got married 2 weeks ago. My Ex went to the ceremony although I wasn't told about it, nor was I invited. So, why tell me now? After the fact?
    Sigh.
    I was reading about someone on here who bought an Airstream and another who sold, or plans to sell their house and leave no forwarding address....
    I am so tempted.
    It's Friday. Another weekend and I want to walk out on my life. Seriously.Pack and go.
    Start over, at 58 years old , where no one knows me or the circumstances of my life, my kids, my marriages, my pain.
    There is still a part of me that feels ashamed. Alone. Sad. Questioning.
    And I just can't see myself fighting this fight forever.
    It's been 8 years with MG...3 years with YB, and now this latest go 'round with OB.
    There's got to be a line that can be drawn in the sand. A place where I can start to feel whole again.
    I don't know. Is there?
    Anyways, thanks guys, just for being here. ♡
     
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  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Tell him to get a P.O. box and if he wont, send his mail back to the post office with "not at this address". He doesn't need to use your address. 40 years old is too old to be throwing fits around you or starting drama.

    It helps to limit contact. It took forever for us to do this, but this may be our sanity returned.

    We are not meant to raise kids when they are 30 or 40 or beyond. They don't listen to us anyway. Do they?

    P.O. Boxes are cheap.

    We are going to downscale in retirement and may not give Kay our address. I'm sure nobody we know would breech this. They have all been there for us and most have tried with Kay and had bad experiences with her.

    Be well.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 16, 2019
  3. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Being controlled by others is a safe prison. I’m trying so desperately to get out of that prison myself so I understand your pain.

    You are giving him power over you by controlling your emotions.

    I just read something that might give you some hope. It said “if our conscience was silent in providing “no how could you?” Guilt inducing messages it might mean you were enslaved to that “ internal parent control voice” in your mind. By realizing you dislike this discomfort could really be a baby step in the move forward to detach from his constant requests and constantly putting you in the center to take care of all his cares and concerns. This is safe for him because if something fails he can blame you not himself. Done that, been there. He’s still controlling you by doing that.

    I’m learning that when I feel like you do that I’m the problem. This is an inside job so to speak. Your solution is not coming from the outside.

    The process to letting go of our guilt that always brings us back to doing for them what they can do for themselves, is a journey but wouldn’t it be better putting all your energy into getting into a better mindset than repeating this same pattern with your son?

    I have said exactly what you’ve mentioned and would like to uproot and leave two homeless, unstable not well emotionally or mentally sons. But in reality I will carry my guilt, grief, worry, hurt and pain with me wherever I go. So I am working morning noon and night to read good literature, stay close to God, examine where my guilt messages come from, set boundaries, rely on my own conscience to do the right thing and get a good support system to gather wisdom strength and hope just like you’re doing here.

    If you’re like me you might actually feel sad at first when you set boundaries and begin to make changes. I’ve said to my therapist , if I don’t help them, who will? There is comfort in doing the same thing even if it’s not good for us. We have to be brave and step out of our comfort zone.

    Believe it or not you have pulled out your tool box, now you just have to use the tools I’ve mentioned above and I’m sure others have many wise suggestions too that you can begin to investigate and learn about.

    Reaching out for help is progress. By learning how others cope with this craziness will give you insight to do better. And when we know better, we do better.

    Read some good boundary books and journal what seems pertinent to your own situation. Then when you feel weak and need quick “help” to stay strong you will have quick reference at your finger tips.

    I will keep you in my prayers to get stronger.
     
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  4. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Chase,

    husband and I lived exactly this way with our Difficult Child for years until a few weeks after finding this forum. There is no reason to. Step out of it. As Busy said, what difference does it make anyway? Years ago, a wise CD member wrote something along these lines to me: "If your son changes, he will find a way to let you know." That advice has made all the difference in the world to husband and me.

    Your life will improve immeasurably once you step away. Give it up. It is not helping. Let him know you love him...Then take your life back. No more following instructions, etc. Believe me: husband and I did the same numerous times.....wanting Difficult Child to know we cared, how much we loved him....

    <sigh> A lot of pain for us and no help to anyone....


     
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  5. SunnySad

    SunnySad New Member

    Do you think you can leave the mail in the box and let go? Will he come to your door when he opens the mail that doesn’t suit him? Can you find somewhere to be on Sunday so you can avoid him?

    I know it’s not fair to let him run you out of your house, but I think some positive avoidance might help. Perhaps you can text back to let him know you won’t be accepting mail at your house anymore but you will put it out this last time. But then you need to avoid a face-to-face.

    I don’t know. It just seems like you need to take back your weekends with some affirmative action. I’m lucky - I live in the sticks so, without a car and gas money, my kids can’t bug me at home.

    Sorry if I’ve given too much “advice.” I feel for you and really can relate to triggers from my kids.
     
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  6. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz Member

    Yes, Sunny.
    I think I can take in a movie.
    And also, you're right. He *will* flip a switch when his birth certificate isn't there.
    He will need a court order to get it. It's sealed for a reason.
    He shouldn't have list the other one I have him.
    I like what you said.
    I re-read it, and I think if I am doing better during the week, I do need to take my weekends back. Thank you for your advice. It's appreciated more than you could know.
     
  7. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz Member

    You said if my son changes, he will find a way to let me know.
    Interesting.
    I think he is starting to figure out that life on the streets is hard.
    And that once the heat of summer goes, the freeze of winter will come.
    None of my kids have ever kept in touch when there was nothing in it for them.
    And, as Busy said, What difference does it make anyway?
    It's all so true.
     
  8. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz Member

    Yes!
    I didn't think of a P.O. Box.
    Thank you.
    He won't like it, but tough.
    I will look at Half Priced Book for some boundary books. I just got a new therapist, so I will ask her too.
    Thank you, and God Bless.
     
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This sounds exhilarating.
    We all do. Somebody told me this week that this is the basis of faith. I believe him.

    You are at the jumping off place of EVERYTHING. I am so very excited for you.

    What would you do, if you busted out? Where would you go? Who would you be?
     
  10. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz Member

    Copa, that's the thing.
    I left one coast and moved across country at the tender age of 19...with, a 1 year old (OS), and another on the way, to start again. And I did.
    I thought later, with a new marriage, another child and the wisdom of a 25 year old, (eek!), I would conquer the world.

    I know I have the "skills" to just get up and move. To just go and rebuild on the other end, but I'm tired.
    I've lived 1000 years in a single lifetime.

    My father says, no matter where you go, the one thing you can never leave behind is yourself.

    Makes me wonder.
     
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member


    The time will come
    When, with elation,
    You will greet yourself arriving
    At your own door, in your own mirror,
    And each will smile at the other's welcome,

    And say, sit here, Eat.
    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
    To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

    All your life, whom you ignored
    For another, who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

    The photographs, the desperate notes,
    Peel your image from the mirror.
    Sit. Feast on your life.

    Love After Love
    Derek Walcott
     
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  12. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz Member

    ♡♡♡♡ love it
    love it
    love it ♡♡♡♡
     
  13. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Just a note unless I’m misinformed you cannot get a PO Box unless you have a physical address. If you use your own address your own mail will go to PO Box too.
     
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    For a number of years when I lived outside of the country or was without a regular address in my own country I had a mailbox in a mailbox store. Probably I did secure the box while I still had a place, but soon after that this mailbox was the only address I had.

    This was a physical address to which mail went, and a box number. People and businesses assumed the box number was an apartment number. I had no intention to deceive anybody but it was a convenient solution. In terms of mail, it was as stable or more than any other address I've had. I think that in the building too there were apartments. I don't know how anybody without a lot of work could have discerned that I did not have a stable residence in that building.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 17, 2019
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You deserve peace snd happiness. If this eas not your child, you would not put up with his behavior.
    It helped me to practive distancing myself emotionally. It took a long time to get to the point where I could seperate my emotions when dealing with my kiddo. The older he gets the easier it has become.
     
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  16. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Wow. This was the same for me. Both of us. My husband and I had always done for Kay with no progress as far her wanting to live as an independent adult. As she hit her late 20s and then 30, I grew sadder and less hopeful that she would ever become a productive member of society. Her husband Lee as well. And they had a baby around then.

    Every year that Kay remained dependent, lazy and childish, my tolerance waned more. It helped me slowly detach as I could see that, but for our help, she would not have housing.

    Kay is of average intelligence and healthy. She has probably some mental illness, but she is capable of working somewhere. Lee can do more than deliver pizza. Maybe the pot holds them back the most.

    Their chronic unwillingness to even try, plus Kay's cruelty, finally helped us quit. The party is over. And her getting older but not better did help us be able to detach. I have bad days, but I am not inclined to give her my version of help any longer.
     
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  17. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    More fantastic posts.
    My daughter is closing in on 30, and I'm feeling much of what you are. It's been about 13 solid years of feeling this way. Imprisoned is a good word for it.

    Weekends naturally bring a more intense feeling, I think. ERs, police... more busy on the weekends. So for the Difficult Child of the world, I think it also ignite's their emotions (at least for my daughter it always has). Years ago our weekends were the same. We dreaded them. Now, she goes out almost every day, so it's hard to judge, but weekends still bring a certain feeling to them.

    We got pretty good at avoiding and having contact with daughter on our own terms, but then she got pregnant, had baby (who is now living with us), and that gives her more leverage to impose on us. We still hold boundaries, though.

    I can't imagine this same feeling in 10 years. I really can't. It robs you of any chance at leveling out your life. I love the idea of traveling. Physically getting away really does make a difference. It affects you less. They can't just show up.

    My heart is with ya. ❤️
     
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  18. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Good to know. I know with USPS this is the case but I wasn’t aware with a mailbox etc type place you could. Thank you.
     
  19. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz Member

    I screen shotted this, so I can read it whenever I want or need to.
    Thank you.
     
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  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I don't know the rules, whether or not you can or can't. I know only what I was able to do for a number of years.