This is not easy

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Zardo, Apr 13, 2013.

  1. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    5 days home from rehab - Its been a tough week. I think the biggest challenge is the lack of structure. With being on homeschooling now - he only has 2 hours of school per day. Other than that, he is watching tv, blasting music and smoking cigarettes. He is supposed to be getting a job - he is doing nothing about that. He is supposed to attend 3-4 AA meetings per week and get a sponsor - he went to one and doesn't "want" a sponsor. It's a nightmare to watch his lack of regard for his situation. I am not willing to police him anymore - any limits or punishments I set will be met with disrespect and abusive anger - so - I will be setting up a meeting with his probation officer this week and I will let him answer to her. I am seriously thinking of just putting him in a long term program where someone else can deal with him - but the expense is so much and I am afraid that he will just not comply and get kicked out. He thinks if he stays clean that should be enough - stay off his back about everything else. I cannot live in a home with someone who has no regard for responsibility. We'll see how school goes - I already got an email from one teacher saying that during their 2 hour session he was 20 minutes late and went to the bathroom 3 times....not good. I feel like I cannot confront anymore as it really only seems to hurt me - I will let the probation officer deal with him and if he doesn't change his attitude, he can go to detention but I will not allow him back here if that happens.
  2. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    i hear your frustration!! been there done that. Are you going to Alanon or another program? It has helped me a lot during those dark times.

    *im hoping the probation officer is proactive.
  3. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Thanks for responding AG - I know you're having our own hard time - yes I have a great parent support group and counseling - right now I feel like I need it 24x7
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi Zardo,
    I was wondering if there are chores or projects in the house that you could ask your son to do, rather than watch tv, etc. He'll probably give you excuses and backtalk, but at least you could make an attempt. Everyone in a family has a way to contribute, and he's no exception. He can prep/cook dinner, clean, do odd jobs, yard work, laundry, take care of pets, anything. If he balks, I'd just mention that to the PO too. You want to give him every oppty to succeed and be productive, and if he constantly undermines your efforts, you have at least tried everything.
    I'm sorry you're going through this.
  5. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Thanks CJ - yes - I have done that - he agrees to do them but then does not - today in fact I am still leaving his lunch dishes from yesterday that he said he would clean - he hasn't - when I reminded him he said he did them - I told him he hasn't and they're waiting for him - still there - yes I will report these things
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh...this is hard to deal with. I hated having to police chores and normal upkeep of my home. Would he be motivated by a goal of living on his own? You know: job=apartment type discussion?
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for pushing this up busy, I thought I had responded.

    Zardo what's been happening? Has his attitude gotten any better? Is he going to his meetings? What does his PO say?
  8. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Thanks for checking in -

    Yes - I do think the one thing that would motivate him is the idea of getting out on his own. I cannot even imagine that happening though. First - he is still 17 and struggling to get through high school. Second - the one job he had lasted 2 months before he was fired for weed on the job. I know we're at a new starting point though and yes, the idea of being independent is a theme we can try to use to start him forward thinking. Especially since I think he has given up on college.

    Nancy - things are 50/50- in general - there is less anger - less defiance and more peace in our home. He is struggling to follow through on anything though - talks about about applying for jobs but not following through - is not taking his AA obligations seriously at all - was supposed to call the probation officer this morning - wouldn't get up - finally called 15 minutes late and missed her. It's like he thinks that no one can hold him accountable so what's the big deal? I have already left a message for probation that I know he called late and that I did my best but it was hard to get him going. Hopefully she will inform him of his obligations. I did talk to her yesterday - she said not only does he have to follow through with his AA stuff but that she needs proof - not sure how to get that. She would prefer to be able to speak to his sponsor - he doesn't want a sponsor - she tells me he has no choice in the matter.

    Hoping the po follows through on her promise to hold him accountable. He does have to go before judge in 2 months and SHOW that he is taking things seriously - so far I would say its iffy - he is doing some of what he is supposed to do, but not everything and not with a sense of commitment or obligation.

  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When they go to AA meetings they should have their paper signed. He should have gotten one from the court but if not his PO should have one, It's just a sheet that everyone has signed with the name of the AA group and their signature and phone number verifying they went. Te courts are very familar with all the AA groups and they know if it's legit. They all have their own stamp identifying the group name. And I'm sure she will want his sponsor's name and number to verify that also.

    You can't do it for him. If he doesn't comply he will have to take the consequences. Zardo he is not alone, so many of the young people that are ordered to AA do not take it seriously. They go because they are prdered but they don't work the program. It takes a certain amount of maturity and acceptance that 17 year olds just don't have yet. They do have young people's AA groups that he may find more comfortable. All he has to do is ask around at any of the meetings, they will know when and where.
  10. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    I spoke to the po about the forms for AA and she didn,t know what I was talking about - she more said he should get a sponsor and give her his name a nd number so she can check with him - he is very opposed to getting a sponsor. We'll see - not my problem. I will just make sure he checks in with po frequently. Him missing the first call with her does not send a good message. He has found a young persons meeting near the house - problem is its only once a week and he needs to go at least 3 times per week....we'll see. Yes - I agree that I cannot do this for him. I am trying to let this be his problem. I go to my support group - talk to my counselor and post and read here. We are giving him limited freedoms and privileges as I also feel that having him under lock and key is not the way for him to move forward in life - he has to learn how to live a healthy life and make good choices - not only because we are preventing him from making mistakes. If he makes the mistakes, he needs to get caught so that he feels the pain involved in that life.

    your advice about the meetings makes sense - for tomorrow night's youth meeting - I will have him bring a journal and ask the moderator to stamp and sign it - that way we are starting to build the proof that will be required. I think it will also help to show him that his has to prove his attendance because right now I think he just thinks no one can find out if he's going.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They should have the forms there at the AA meeting. If not just have him bring a sheet of paper and they will stamp and sign it. Have him bring that same paper to every meeting. He will see that almost everyone at the meeting will bring a paper up to the front desk when they get there and the secretary for the month will sign them all during the meeting.

    I'm shocked that the PO doesn't know what this form is. It's like he's the first one ordered to AA, which he isn't.