Three months strong and back to square one - I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Havehadenough70, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. For three months, difficult child was doing so good but i was hesitant to post an update until more time had passed but little did i know it wouldn't last. difficult child entered a forced rehab for pot smoking in mid October after he had violated probation and was in danger of staying in jail for two months. Everything was going well for the first month then his case worker did an evaluation and told him that she didn't think he needed to be there because he was not really addicted to pot and the place was not a good fit for him. From then onwards, he became restless and started bugging me to get him out of there or he would walk out. His plan was to do a one month CNA class and obtain a certificate to become a certified nurse assistant/Home health Aide while waiting to go back to school. Fearful that he would really walk out without his probation officer's consent and risk going back to jail, his lawyer and i came up with a plan. After he finished two months in rehab, i would pay for the one month class for him where he would go from 4pm to 9.30pm every day and in the morning, the lawyer would give him a job in his office where he would work from 10am to 3.30pm and i would contribute to half of the money he was paying him. We approached the Po and he agreed. difficult child left rehab the first week of December so he could enroll in the class and started work the following day. He worked had, went to class and came home. He gained weight, remained clean from pot, changed friends and reported to probation as needed. He even registered for spring semester in college. CNA class ended on 4th January, and difficult child even went to a one week clinical at a nursing home. Everybody was so proud of his progress. Then... week later, he left home on Saturday evening to visit a friend and didn't come until Tuesday evening. Later on the first night, he sent me a text message to say he was sleeping at that friends house but on his face book page he posted how much he loved visiting New york. I suspect he went out of town but i am not sure. Anyway, he didn't go to work on Monday and Tuesday although he had sent a text to the lawyer wanting to take the day off. I was ****** and didn't want to pay anymore more money so he could remain at the job but the lawyer said we should give him another chance and told told him to go to work on Wednesday. Last week, he told me that instead of me paying for his college tuition he was going to apply for a private loan and he did but he needed a co-signer because he doesn't have credit and i was open to helping him out but first he had to do a drug test for me to proceed. The test came back positive for marijuana. His PO was supposed to do random drug tests but he didn't do one until a week ago and difficult child told the lawyer and i that it was negative. So he might have used after that.

    Yesterday at 1.00pm he was supposedly picked up by his friend, a kid i know and love but he didn't come home last night nor did he call me to say he was not coming. His first class for the semester started today but he didn't go. When i checked the phone records i realized that he hadn't talked to the the friend who was supposed to have picked him up for two days. He is still out there. I am drained emotionally and don't know where to go from here. It is heartbreaking.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Forced rehab doesn't work.

    The addict has to want to change, want it bad enough to stick with it. Even then there are a lot of false starts before they can finally remain clean and sober.
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Hound is right. I want to add that I think the case worker has a big mouth - she shouldn't have said that he didn't need to be there...that's all a difficult child needs to hear.
    Unfortunately, he went back to what he knows - even though it won't do him a bit of good. You did great while he was cooperating, but now that he's backslid, you should probably reevaluate your ongoing support. He will remember that when he put in the effort (and he did), things went well. Perhaps he will reconsider his choices. I know it's so difficult, and I'm sorry for your disappointment. Hugs.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry. I totally understand your pain and dissapointment. I have been there too many times myself. Unfortunately, all we can do is what we can do the rest is up to them. I if he doesn't reighn himself in immediatelyt won't be long before his PO violates him and he goes to jail. Brace your heart for that. (Hugs) -RM
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geez, I am so sorry, I understand how disappointed and hurt you are. Yes, I agree with CJ, your support should be pulled now that he isn't cooperating. It is very sad, and it does hurt your heart so much, and as you mentioned, it drains you, depletes you and takes your life force. It may be time for you to really begin the detachment process, whatever that means to you. ((((HUGS)))).
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So sad for you hearing this......

    Please do something to care for YOU......the rollercoaster is a stressful ride......
  7. Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. Yes re, detachment may be my only option now. I have spent so many sleepless nights worrying for somebody who doesn't worry a bit about their life. I wish the outcome would have been different but it is out of my hands now. I am very sad but i feel detached from him in strange way. He is supposed to report to his PO tomorrow but he didn't come home tonight so i doubt that will happen. I have to keep on reminding myself that i have done my best and continue to live my life. Thank you again.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HHE, if you haven't already, try to read the blurb at the bottom of my post here, about detachment, it's helpful as we go through this with our kids to remember these facts. We're all here for you, we know how you feel, we get it........keep posting, you're not alone..........(((HUGS))))
  9. Re, thanks for the info about detachment. I recognize so many shortcomings on my part because for the last two years i have done things trying to help difficult child thinking that if i try harder he will come around. My desire for wanting him to have a better life than i did has clouded my judgement. Detachment is hard but this time i feel very calm about the whole thing and i am making progress refraining from thinking or calling him. He came home yesterday while i was at work and changed and later called me to say he is fine and taking a break and wants to start school next week. I was supposed to co-sign a school loan for him but i called the bank to opt out so he has to figure out how to pay for school if he wants to go. I feel some resentment towards this boy because for the last three years i have spent so much money and energy trying to rescue him and nothing good has come out of it. I have worked hard since he was born to provide for both of us and live a better life and now he is wasting his life and i am done. I want to make changes in my life starting with selling my house and moving into a condo because when i look at the house where we live, i see pain and unhappiness. I don't know how i am going to talk to him when he comes back because i know he will and i don't think i want him back. I am not staying up at night thinking about whether he is safe or fed like i have done before and i even like the fact that i don't have to make dinner every night like before because i can live on salads and bread and stuff like that while in the past i felt like i had to cook for my dear son in order for him to enjoy a healthy hot meal. I don't even know whether he reported to probation on Wednesday and i didn't even ask him so i am letting him determine how he wants to live and if he didn't go then it is up to him. As you can see, i am still disappointed and angry but i will get over it. Thanks for listening.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Don't be hard on yourself HHE, most of us here go far down the road of enabling our kids, especially one's as young as yours. Of course you wanted him to have a better life and of course you did everything to help him. We parents have a very high threshold on hope. I'm glad you opted out of the loan. I'm glad you want to sell your house and get a condo, perhaps get a one bedroom, then no choice if he wants to live with you, no room. You have the right to have strong boundaries in your home, you have the right to say as long as he doesn't abide by your rules (no substance abuse, respect, having a job, going to school, helping around the house, etc) he can't live there. Go get some support for YOU, take care of YOU now, it's time to let him go and focus on yourself. I know it's hard, just take one step at a time going forward putting yourself first.............(((HUGS))))