Man's Guide to Buying Gifts For Your Wife:
1. Reading subtle hints -- Wishes expressed during the execution of domestic tasks are not subtle hints, unless completely unrelated to the task. For instance, if your wife says "It sure would be nice to have an XYZ Food Processor" while preparing a meal: NOT a subtle hint. If she says "It sure would be nice to have a bottle of 'Beautiful' perfume -- 'Beautiful' is the actual name, not a generic description -- it's by Estee Lauder and it's available at Macy's for $59.95 at the cosmetics counter, which is open until 9 pm -- ask for Betsy, and tell her it's for me" while preparing a meal -- THAT is a subtle hint. Also, watch for things like a page torn out of a catalog, with a particular item circled in red, taped to your shaving mirror.
2. Pay attention! wife will tell you what she really wants, but not when you're expecting it (like on December 23rd, just after you told her "Honey, I want a combination beer cooler/recliner/TV remote for Christmas, how about you?"). It will probably be in March or April, and will not be phrased as a suggestion or request at all. She'll probably describe what Judy's really romantic husband bought for her for her birthday and let you put two and two together.* (Caution: after the holiday, be prepared to be told that she clearly told you what she wanted and if you would've JUST LISTENED you would've known.)
3. Do not ask, "Honey, what do you want for Christmas?" Statistically, there is only a 1.3% probability of receiving a direct answer to this question, and no chance at all of receiving a true answer. There is some psychology at work here. She will think it crass to just come out with a naked request** so she'll probably say something like, "Oh, whatever you get for me will be wonderful!" or "I don't want anything special, it's the thought that counts." DO NOT BELIEVE IT. Research continues as to the female substitution code in regard to this question but progress is limited; however a recent revelation by a confidential source has established that "self-reeling hose" is the substitution code for "diamond jewelry."
4. Women do not regard power tools as romantic. I know, it doesn't make sense, but there it is. Trust me on this.
5. Anything intended for use in the kitchen, such as an expensive frying pan that is perfect for making your favorite omelets, should be avoided like the plague.
6. Anything intended for use in the bedroom and containing fewer then 64 square feet of fabric is off limits. See-through fabric does not count in the squre footage calculation.
7. Accept that your taste is hopelessly awful. Whatever you get is going to be exchanged, so just get something very expensive, but not a gift card. The trick is to make it look like you put a lot of thought into it. She'll exchange it for a gift card, alright, but don't try to get all efficient and cut out the exchanging step. Besides, she'll probably feel somewhat guilty about exchanging the gift you put so much thought into and try to make up for it with (three letter word, rhymes with "ex", which is what you'll be if she finds out how much thought your really put into it).
8. Clothing - be sure to deliberately buy three sizes too small. Be careful, though -- this can backfire if overdone. "You were thinking about Judy when you bought this, weren't you?"
* Incorrect responses when wife talks about Judy's really romantic husband: "Who's Judy?" and/or "Well Judy's husband is gay."
** As opposed to requests made while naked; these generally are highly effective.