Time to kick my 23 year old son out?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tonyates10, Apr 27, 2017.

  1. tonyates10

    tonyates10 New Member

    My son is 23 years old. I have been enabling him for years. Probably his whole life. He has had anxiety issues since he was around 3 years old. So...I have went above and beyond and it bit me in the ass. He has no motivation, will not stick with a job, asks for money, groceries, etc...His girl friend lives with us, too and is just as bad if not worse, than he is. My boyfriend is ready to leave me over my son. My son has some addiction issues as well. He has stolen from us in the past. I gave them a deadline to move out, but they have no money and nowhere to go. I bought him a car, so there's that. The deadline is only 3 days away and I'm wavering. His girlfriend landed a job yesterday, but I feel it's too little, too late. This has been going on with them for 2 full years . I'm tempted to give them another month to save some money, yet again...but I feel in my gut it won't make any difference. Any advice?
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I personally dont see it making a difference. Why did you let the girlfriend move in??

    There are homeless shelters. If you cant stomach that, set a time limit for them to save up money for a room or cheap apartment.

    Dont waver. They will never believe or respect your words if you do. They will wslk all over you and not change without consequences.

    Do they use drugs in your house? Listen to your rules? Why doesnt son at least apply for Disability and pay rent? Are you prepared to also financially and physically take care of the children they are probably going to have?

    I personally know I would not allow the girlfriend in my house and, since I expect my kids to act like adults when they are, son would have been gone for me too if he refused to work.

    I am probably alone in this, but I dont feel it is helpful or character building to buy them cars or other big toys. To me, they can ride a bike or walk and save up for a used car. Its healthier than driving and better for your bank book unless you are rich. have two kids who were difficult once and the money stopped. Both now support themselves. One still has a difficult personality but he has a good job, house etc. The other is doing great in general. I have a son with autism who works two jobs and has his own apartment on his own dime and with autism anxiety is HUGE but he is fighting it. He does get a small amount of Disability too.

    I dont think it is healthy to let adult grown children run our lives. I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depression and panic disorder...many times. I try and work and do what I have to anyway. Your son is 23. If his anxiety is that bad he can get help from a county clinic with a sliding scale. You may feel badly for him, but he is a man and looks like one to others and society wont excuse his behavior due to anxiety.

    Having said all that, you are your own person, not me, and you do what you feel is right and can live with. Just dont forget he is not that cute little boy amymore. He is a grown up adult as is the girlfriend. You dont have to support either of them, unless you want to. I suspect your boyfriend sees these two as lazy adults, which is how most will.

    I wish you to sit down maybe with a therapist to decide the best path for yourself. You matter. You deserve a peaceful, quiet life free of grown sons drama, if that is what you desire.
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2017
  3. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    If things are going to change, you have to change them. Your son and girlfriend have it made from their point of view - no work, no bills, food, shelter, car, drugs, money - all for free! Why would they want to make a change?

    You've already set a deadline, but they expect you to not enforce it and don't take it seriously. You could give them another month, but they won't be any more prepared than they are now because they expect that you're not serious.

    You know this isn't healthy for anybody involved. The only question is, how long are you going to let it go on?

    If you kick them out in 3 days, they will kick and scream and try to guilt you into feeling bad enough to let them stay. If you wait a month, the same thing will happen. Or you could just let them stay forever. It's up to you.

    If they're saavy about the law and depending on where you live, it might require some legal steps on your part to get them out.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    How much notice did you give them to move out? To me, this makes a difference. If they did not get a month's notice, I think I might extend it. But it appears YOU DID GIVE THEM a month. Why extend it? They have had 2 years already.

    Really. Who cares what they think? Whether or not they scream or yell is neither here nor there. They are responsible for their lives. The sooner they get this, the better.

    What I say here is harsh, but I am speaking as much to myself as to you: We do not help them by shielding them from realities.

    It has been our own choices that have allowed this to continue. They just took advantage of a good deal. I do not blame them.

    Take care. Good luck.
  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Some children never grow up unless they are pushed out of the nest. Your son, and it sounds like his girlfriend too, need to be pushed. It isn't healthy to continue this arrangement as it is. Continuing to enable these adult children will not help them or you. It will make them sicker. Look at it that way and maybe it will be easier.

    Put their stuff on the curb, change the locks, and call the police if they make a scene.
  6. tonyates10

    tonyates10 New Member

    I know you are right. I let the girl friend move in 2 years ago when her own mother left to save her personal relationship. She knew something I hadn't learned yet, I guess. But no, they do not do drugs in my house.
  7. tonyates10

    tonyates10 New Member

    You're exactly right. They seem to not believe me that I'm serious. And why would they? I've made my son move out twice already and I always let him come back. But I agree, things will not be different in a few more weeks. I'm digging in my heals and sticking to the deadline. I won't need any legal steps, because believe it or not, my son does understand. He's not angry or disrespectful. That's part of the reason why it's hard to make him go. But it's for his own good. I appreciate all the feedback
  8. tonyates10

    tonyates10 New Member

    I gave them 6 months notice. I told them in October they would have to be out by June 1.
  9. tonyates10

    tonyates10 New Member

    You all are so on point. I love my son more than anything and I always come from a place of love. Sticking to my guns is also coming from a place of love. I love him enough to make him grown up. We will both be happier in the long run. I appreciate all the feedback. Sometimes some support is all we need to give us the little extra nudge we need.
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  10. tonyates10

    tonyates10 New Member

    I can see them struggling to cope with the reality of being on their own. And you're right, keeping this in this perpetual cycle of enabling is making things worse and dragging out so long that I have little hope of ever having my own life with my boyfriend. I'm going to stick to the deadline.
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This was more than generous.

    You can see already how your deadline is HELPING not hurting, by the motivation girlfriend has shown to get a job. To remove that boundary would be counterproductive, I think.

    Good job.
  12. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Read my signature. We had a girl even stay with us for a time. Always trying to help.

    Helping these kids hurts them. They are not like our normal kids. You know in your heart that you're in a vortex. You are the only one that can break out of it for the good of all.

    Sometimes they have to be pushed out of the nest. Before you know it, he's 30 and nothing's changed and you wonder where the years went. The clock is ticking. We did it too.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is the whole truth and nothing but.

    M keeps repeating: But I want to help him. I keep repeating what you want has not a thing to do with what he wants. He thinks you are his mark. This does not help him. It is not sinking in.