today was the day

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am not sure how I feel. One year ago, exactly, was the day I found out that H was missing. Appx 12 hours later, I knew she was dead. In my soul. I knew. I boarded that plane to OR to find her, and yet I knew. I had images of exactly how she died flashing through my mind. Two weeks later, she was found. Interestingly I do not even remember the day I found out she was officially deceased - I only remember Feb 8th. It was a full moon. My sister was gone.

    I have a myriad of emotions circling this weekend. I do not even know where I stand, or what I feel. Friday, I cried for 4 hours, and for the first time in 6 years I got in a fight with my counselor. Sat and Sun, I have functioned as if not one thing is wrong.

    Death is entirely elusive. It is always ready to catch you by the toe.......and yet.........when ready to process.........gone, inexplicably gone.

    None the less, I wanted to post, if nothing else other than to remember H.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hugs - 1 year anniversaries are hard to figure out sometimes. They really do put you in a weird place of remembrance.

    You have gone through such low valleys this last year. Stay strong and visit us often. Sometimes it does help to write about it, especially to friends who are not directly connected to your family or day to day life.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Tonight it is stormy, a thunderstorm raging in the West. I have all my doors open as its force land upon me. The full moon that I remember losing H under, is shrouded by clouds and turbulence.

    The weather reflects my loss, and her soul. She was always so deeply conflicted. As am I.

    I know it is her wish that I find peace and happiness. And that I will do.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2009
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Anniversaries are the hardest. I've no doubt H is there with you, knowing you're thinking of her and missing her tonight. It's been a rocky year, for sure, but you've made progress too.

  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Steely}} I will light a candle in H's memory tonight as we cross over into the 9th, which is the official full moon. Hugs~we know it's been a difficult year for you.
  6. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I remember all that you posted back then. I am so sorry that your worst fears were realized. Please work to achieve the peace and happiness your sister wanted for you.

    Know that we are here for you and we love you very much.

    Gentle hugs.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I was thinking about you today. It was one year ago that I was here... looking at moving here. There was a strange weather pattern moving through, snow was in the hills, snow was forecast for the Valley which is rare.
    We are experiencing the exact same thing.
    Let the weather find you and take you. H will enter your soul and calm you, so to will peace, some day.
  9. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Your soul sounds wounded. For that, I am truly sorry. May the passing of more time gently stitch the pieces of your heart together. Praying for peace for your wounded, troubled soul.
  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Sending hugs and a prayer for peace in your heart and in your soul. I know it's been a hard year for you. Beyond hard.
  11. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Oh sweeite, prayers for comfort during this time of reflextion
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry I missed this yesterday, Steely. You have come a long way this past year and have had so much to get yourself through. I'm sure H would be very proud of you and that she is looking down from heaven and keeping her arms around you. One year is a very difficult anniversery of a death. Stay strong- and remember I have a shoulder for you to cry on and an ear to listen, too!
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It is so hard to loose someone we love and even harder when that person is taken from us in an unpeaceful way. You are doing so very well and express yourself so beautifully. It is understandable that you will have good days and bad days. May you have increasinly more good days as time passes. (HUGS) -RM
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well, I made it through both the weather and my metaphorically stormy night last night, only to awaken and feel the horrible feeling that someone was dead. Once I could shake the sleep from my brain, I realized it was H. She was dead, she has been dead - and yet there are many times I still have to remind myself that she is gone. How many times, will I have to remind myself, before it becomes my reality.

    I think I may be experiencing PTSD stuff today. I am all shakey and foggy in the brain, and anxious. I have to truly say looking for her for those 2 weeks was one of the most traumatic things in my life. Her death was tragic; her missing for 2 weeks, hiking every square inch of Portland looking for her, the cops banning me from the investigation, and all the fights with my parents. That was traumatic. I feel like I suffered through 2 different ordeals, but yet they converged as one.

    I do not feel like I can go to work today, but I guess I have to. I just can't think straight, and I am all wonky inside.

    Thanks for your never ending support.
  15. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Steely: That physical knowing it brushes up against us. I have had that too. Somehow
    that contection between us is that mysterious. It is such a beautiful full moon too. I have been watching it set in the mornings as these last days have gone by.
    Grief is such a bittersweet loving. That glorious life we share. One day we all find that answer:is it harder to leave than to be left behind?