Transferring "Struggling" post to this board...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Nov 1, 2015.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Here is my original post. Then to follow with a couple updates. Advice about hospitalization is welcomed.

    How does one separate the FOO from the child? We adopted our two granddaughters 10 years ago. There has been lots of difficulties, esp with our oldest. She is technically our step grandchild, as our son met her mom while she was pregnant. Ex daughter in law made our sons life, and ours miserable for a long time. Now, she has been out of their lives for five years as she moved across the country. But, she keeps things stirred up by contacting them thru FB and phone calls, bypassing us and trying to draw them back in with empty promises. The oldest will be 18 in March.

    Now, oldest granddaughter seems to be suffering from bipolar tendencies like her biomom. Also may have histrionic personality didorder. Probably has fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. Plus she looks and sounds just like biomom. It is hard not to compare, to have flashbacks of biomom, when Difficult Child talks to he in the same manner.

    They both seem to have delusions of how successful they will be in life. They both tell me grandiose plans of owning a farm with horses, pets, etc. One is 17, the other is almost 50. Ex daughter in law has been homeless most her adult life, except for the times she finds men who try to rescue her. Then she proceeds to destroy the mans life with her addictions and histrionics. Then moves on to her next victim.

    I am probably suffering from PTSD just from dealing with the two of them for such a long time. I don't want to view daughter thru the same lens as her mom. But she is her moms mini me... And I think bio mom has convinced her to view me from her perspective. So there is always conflict...

    I know in a few months daughter will like likely move out, but I had wanted so much more for daughter. And I hate it that things aren't better... Any one else in a similar situation? How do you cope? KSM

    Read more:
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child is getting admitted. We have to drive about 60 miles to another town, take her to another ER to be cleared for psychiatric admission. She is physically fine. Complaining that the charcoal drink was awful, and she got out of having to drink more. After the next ER visit, then on to the inpt facility. Oh, and chicken nuggets, she wants chicken nuggets, not McDonald ones, someplace like Burger King..
    Or Wendy's. SMH.

    This whole thing escalated because we had smoked turkey deli meat and not ham. Well, we had ham, but the slices were too thick and not deli sliced. And the microwaveable hot pocket had the cheese melt and come out of the sandwich. And it didn't even get hot enough all the way thru. So I touched the hot pocket to see if I should nuke it more. I got shoved for touching her hot pocket. Then my husband came in and got in her face for yelling and pushing me, and she spit in his face. Then ran upstairs and took the trazadone.

    Now she wants chicken nuggets. But not at McDonalds...

    Read more:
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We'll, after being in the second ER we just wanted to take her home. The nurse seemed agreeable, as she had been monitoring hers and probably our behavior. Difficult Child was the kindest, nicest as I have seen her. I explained she has an appointment on Monday with her new case manager, our initial case planning wrap around meeting on Tuesday, and her appointment with the psychologist on Wednesday. Also, this coming week at school is the last week before finals. We are on trimesters instead of semesters. It us a critical time to miss school. They said I can bring homework... But the government class needs electronics to look up the info online. No real books...

    After spending 4 hours in our local ER, had lab, EKG, then we go to the larger town and yes, they repeat all the same studies. Spent 4.5 hours there... Then told no beds available, about the holding area, then thought maybe they would let us go, then they decided to go over their limit of admissions for her. Then had to wait for transport to take her to the behavioral facility. We drove her 60 miles, but we couldn't take her two more miles.

    Got home after midnight, then woke up at the same regular time...

    Will go back for visitation at 5pm. I had my whole packet of records on her, IQ testing, neuropsychologist testing, school testing, DNA for medications, etc... But they didn't want it! What? And no real doctor on Sunday, just a resident.

    Already have a bad feeling. KSM

    Read more:
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2015
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Keep it with you. They may want it later.
    Sometimes they want to do their own evaluation first, without prior information.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I got lots of good advice about family or origin and those issues on the other board. Now I need to know, should I leave her there? I am not impressed with the staff RN that did the admission. She asked about diagnosis, and I explained about how they are using anxiety and depression, but are looking at bipolar and histrionic personality disorder. She asked what histrionic was...

    I believe that taking the pills was just another way of getting all the attention focused on her, not a real attempt to commit suicide...

  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I agree. But she needs to know that pulling these kind of stunts will be taken seriously. There are consequences for "attempting suicide" even if it wasn't a "real" attempt. And yes, that includes having to take activated charcoal, spending time in one or more emergency rooms, and maybe even getting admitted.

    I'd be tempted to at least leave her there until you all meet tonight. See what they have to say after she has been evaluated. One day out of school isn't going to kill her.
  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I agree she needs to know what happens when you make life threatening decisions. Maybe she will hate it enough to never do anything so stupid again
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Prayers ksm, I believe it will all come together.
    This is another road to travel.
    You are brave and strong.

    You can do this, and we will be here.

  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    you do know nothing will change until u send her alone and dont give her attention, right? at least thats what i think, could be wrong. Shes a bit old in my opinion to get so much attention for destructive behavior. jmo

    you are the one in my opinion who needs help and peace
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    SWOT - it would probably do more good for me to be in an inpt facility as Difficult Child. I really need help learning to respond in such a way that doesn't escalate behaviors... Hers and mine. It is just so hard, little sis had been complaining about how much stuff older sis gets away with... So I stood my ground yesterday, husband backed me up... And we both over reacted by yelling that we were done being treated like she treats us in our own home. The message was good, the delivery could be better.

  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am cheating, supposed to be cleaning and off CD. Sigh. KSM you are too hard on yourself.
    You are human. Perhaps your message and delivery were what is needed.
    Who knows. Everyone is different.
    The manipulating can certainly turn worlds upside down.
    Are you all in counseling? This helps put perspective on things to speak with a professional. If you are, good, if not, try.
    Little sis needs help too. I learned that from my boy. Kind of the " Hey guys, I'm here too."
    This is all so tough.
    I don't blame you one bit for hanging out at the hospital to try and ensure right treatment. Having been on a Doctor go round with the hubs illnesses, advocacy is important. We become numbers in an over crowded health system.
    Please take time to uplift and replenish yourself. Your grandchild is being monitored by professionals. I hope there is time for you to get away from it all and rest, rebuild.

    Last edited: Nov 1, 2015
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Well, there were actually TWO messages being given... one to older sis, and one to younger sis. And the one to younger sis is that older sis CAN be stood up to. Maybe you had to do it this way for the sake of younger sis... without knowing it.
  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    First visitation. Didn't go as well as I was hoping. The staff had said I could bring homework... Well she had some things in her back pack so I took all the things in there. Difficult Child was not too happy. I told her I wasnt sure what she needed so I brought everything. She demanded that I not go thru it, that she couldn't work on any of it without a computer, etc. I suggested if there was nothing she could work on, maybe she could review her notes and completed assignments to help with upcoming tests. She told me to stop talking about homework, it's all I talk about and she didn't want to hear it.

    She is in a room with two beds and a private bathroom. Does not have to share a room with anyone. I was told there was a family meeting at 11:00. This will be the third trip to a town 60 miles away.

    She was pretty tearful and was telling me she had to get out of there. That she needs to be home and able to go to school and get caught up. Odd, how three weeks ago the govt teacher gave her 6 assignments, and it was like pulling teeth to get her to do three of them and handed in. She told me she would work on the rest with a classmate...that hasn't happened.

    She actually had us leave before visiting time was up...

  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Dear, dear ksm I am sure this is not the results your D c was expecting to get from her attempt. Like you, I do not think she wanted to die, either. Teenagers are so damn compulsive, then add disorders on top of that, what a cocktail for disaster.

    One thing rings throughout your posts, she is trying to rule the roost. Emotional outbursts, spitting, slapping, UGH. I am no expert on mental disorders, but we all have to live in this world and try our best to get along with others.
    We all have consequences for our actions.
    With that comes rules and boundaries and the biggie-respect.

    She is definitely wanting the center of attention, and I am pretty sure, this hospital bit is messing big time with her plans. So, what to do?

    60 mile trip to go visit an unappreciative, sulking D c.
    Sorry, but if it were me, just saying, I would put my foot down, (well this is the new me) and tell her that she made her bed, and now she must lay in it. No pun intended.

    I would tell her that, if she was going to be disrespectful, I would limit my visits, due to her
    1. Lack of appreciation and respect
    2. On account of the considerable time and effort it takes for you to get there.
    3. Her sister needs your attention, too.
    4. You need to be able to rest and recuperate from all the hullaballoo.

    I would then, even maybe make a poster that said-

    Treat other people the way you would like to be treated.

    So there you have it.

    I am certainly not telling you what to do, no way, this is your process and up to you.

    This is what comes to my mind, after some very similar repeat performances from my two "lovelies".
    If I have offended you with my :soapbox: my humble apologies.

    Just my ranting
    and venting,
    with my memories of my own very demanding,
    insensitive D cs.

    You do not deserve to be disrespected under ANY circumstances.

    I am hoping the Doctors will have some solutions for you all, so that you can find some respite.

    You definitely need some "me" time. And after all that, I need some too!


    Take care,

    One step at a time.

    One day at a time.

    Last edited: Nov 1, 2015
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    New Leaf, I am just worried about the family meeting tomorrow. I need to be honest, but reserved. Not to get drawn in to Difficult Child drama. But, they have had such little history as to what has happened over the past teen years. It is hard to answer so ethi medications, without giving history. And if I bring up the past, Difficult Child goes ballistic. Because I "can't let it go!" She says.

    Also they started her on Depakote... Any body familiar? She always seems to have a difficult time with medications... Or she will blame everything on medications... KSM
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi ksm, sorry for my ranting, i feel for you in such a tough spot.

    i see your point, even keeled. can you speak with the doctors aside from her?

    not familiar with medications, my good friends d c is bi-polar, it took a long time to find the right mix for her, but they did, then the trick was to get her to take them......

    i hope some of the more calm folks will come around and help.

    i guess i can rant for you?


    i will save my surrogate ranting for when u have more info......and are over this hump.....

    in the meantime, peace be to you,
    and me.

  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Went to her room last night to clean it up, do laundry, select clothes to take to facility. I found her "note". It says: 9 trazadone should do the trick, I will leave so you don't have to". I think it is meant towards husband when he told her that all the drama and stress was killing him and he couldn't keep staying here around it.

    I am sure that the clothes I pick out for her (with help from her little sis) won't be what she wants. She wanted joggers, but they all have drawstrings. I don't think leggings are allowed.

    It seems that I can never make her happy. I know it is not my job, but I want her to be happy. For the last 11 years, I have always bought reduced fat milk. Last week she announced that I had to buy Vitamin D milk as she can't drink what I buy. After drinking it for most of her life... Now she can't. She is the most picky eater ever. For four years she stopped eating hot dogs, not that we have them often, but little sis enjoys a grilled hot dog. I don't think there is a vegetable that she will eat except for iceberg lettuce. She will eat a refried bean burrito, but won't eat chili because she hates beans. Bean dip is ok, beans are not. Tossed salad mix with a little shredded carrot or red cabbage in it is not. You get my drift...

    Many times if I suggest something, clothes, activities, food, she will automatically say no. It is awful, I am the parent, but she refuses to be parented. KSM
  20. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member