After not sleeping last night, I got up today and called the Lieutenant at the Sheriff's department to see if they could help me get word to difficult child or find how when he is going to be released. Left a vm. I have everything ready by the front door to make it short and sweet IF he did appear at the front door some dark night----which one? tonight? tomorrow night?---in the middle of the night. As I posted on another thread, I had been resting a bit easier since Sunday---thinking I was prepared and had "done all I could" by sending a letter over a week ago 10 days ago stating "don't come to my house when you are released." Then the letter came back in the mail refused by the jail due to a rule change. No more letters, just postcards. For some reason, I am still "trying to do the right thing." I know it sounds crazy. I was having a really hard time seeing how I could turn him away at 2 a.m. in 18 degree weather without a warning. I know. It's crazy after all of the water that is under the bridge. So I called the jail myself this morning---thinking it's a long shot they will tell me anything. But they did. He will be released in the wee hours of February 15---that's early this Saturday morning. The person I spoke with said the only way to get any word to him is to mail a postcard now. So I did---jumped in the card, bought a postcard, wrote most of all from the letter I could fit on the card, and took it to the post office. I do feel better. I know have "done all I know to do." I feel like I have said what my boundaries are and I asked him to respect them. Is this old thinking? Not sure, but I felt compelled to do it even though I know it doesn't guarantee he won't come here. What am I so afraid of? I am nearly frantic with the need to build great walls between him and me. Anyway...I'm so tired now, but the sun is shining and I can see blue sky even though it's 28 degrees.