Uncontrollable 17yr old

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Maxed out, Nov 21, 2016.

  1. Maxed out

    Maxed out New Member

    I have a 17 yr old boy who is completely out of control. He was raised by his grandparents until he was 12 then his father took back over and I got him in my household almost 3 years ago. He's been out of control since he was 5 in my opinion. I wanted him tested for ADD/ADHD back then but his grandmother was a RN then and is now a FNP. She insisted my son was fine and so no treatment was given to him. Now he's been out of control for years. Theirs been drug abuse, alcohol abuse, etc. His father couldn't control him so from about 11 to 14 he's been allowed to do as he pleased. I got custody a few years ago after he got into trouble and the judge realized his father didn't really care since he refused to attend court. I'm at the point I CAN'T handle anymore. He's brought drugs into my home after being told repeatedly not to. He would have friends over without permission and they'd stay for months. I had myself and 3-4 of my own kids in a 2 bedroom home not including the rif raf he brought in which eventually led to some of his friends robbing over 30K worth of stuff from my landlord which resulted in me losing my home. I moved in with my boyfriend who has tried to bond with my son but he continued to be a jerk and threatens things mostly to me. My boyfriend would prefer him out of the home (as have anyone I've dated since he was 5) all due to his behavior and mouth . He has recently taken my 14 yr old daughter off for the weekend and we had no idea where they were for the whole weekend. He skips school (he's a 17 yr old freshman) or he refuses to go to school and now that you can't discipline your child anymore I can't force him to go. I've had several back surgeries so I "fight " him anyway. He's disrespectful at home and at school. I have absolutely no control. He's verbally abusive and has been physically abusive definitely mentally abusive. I love my child but I also hate my child and I know that's a horrible thing to say. He's made my life miserable in so many areas. He's a thief, a liar, a drug abuser, and is just an all around hateful individual who thinks the world owes him and I feel like only thing I owe him is a really good butt beating. I feel awful for despising my own child but he has totally disrupted our way of life. The 14 yr old has resorted to cutting (upon his recommendation for attention). I am at a loss right now. Just today alone I have been called a bit*# a no good for nothing whore a horrible excuse for a mother etc. But his own father says he doesn't want him so I put him inside my home and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I don't know how to punish him anymore. I've dealt with CPS several times cause of the lies he's told school and he's also convinced my daughter to tell lies to school, her grandparents, etc to try to keep me in trouble for something in which they've never succeeded. I need to know what options I have in TN to get this kid out of my home and away from my other kids. Please help. Any advice on the daughter that cuts would be helpful as well. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle constantly and the longer he's here the worse my other two get. Thanks for your help.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Call CPS and say you can't control him and he is a threat to your daughter (obviously this is true. He is a terrible influence and who knows if he is getting her into drugs or is putting her in dangerous situations). Request foster care or residential even if you have to give up your parental rights because by 18, and he is almost there, you have no rights anyway. He's not little. He doesn't have to live with you and daughter being so brash, disrespectful and even dangerous.

    in my opinion he can't live in your house safely and you and your daughter matter. Plus he needs more than any mother can offer I'm. He needs forced professional help, if it's possible.

    Maybe he can be forced into rehab. I don't know.

    Get therapy for daughter who cuts. My daughter also cut but stopped.

    Each state has its own laws. Ask CPS about yours.

    Hugs and good luck.
     
  3. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Well kind of late to start, but you need to start at the VERY beginning!

    That is to make a list of house rules along with consequences if he does breaks those rules. Print these rules out and tape them to a kitchen cabinet.

    There are things you CAN do or DO NOT have to do for him. Think about what he likes and would dislike so far as things you buy for him or things you do for him.

    Maybe you buy soda pop for the house and he likes that? Good boys get soda pop, bad boys get water!

    Maybe he likes TV. Good boys get to watch TV, bad boys don't! (Move the TV in your room and LOCK IT UP!)

    Maybe he likes McDonalds. And dislikes something you make at home. Bad boys can eat what you cook or go without. Good boys get to eat at McDonalds.

    Note the above is like trying to change the direction, a very large ship at sea, is heading. You apply pressure on one side and nothing happens at first. Then after awhile you might notice a slight change in direction. Over time, the ship eventually changes course.

    Basically I don't think there is a whole lot you can do at this late stage. But the above is something you CAN do! Also don't hesitate to call the police on him and press charges if he gets violent or does anything illegal. Might put him on notice you have had it.

    Find family rules by searching google.com for the words: family rules

    Also ask your school counselor if there are any parenting classes in your area you can attend. They can help you with family rules and consequences.
     
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I was hoping someone wiser than I am would respond first.

    Just his history of being raised by different family members, for reasons I am not aware of, could be some of his problems. Our granddaughters spent a year in foster care when they were 3 and 5 has caused them issues...not sure if fear of abandonment, or attachment issues, but has definitely made them less sure of them selves, and willing to fall in to the wrong groups of kids. It is like they are desperate to fit in some where, but it never lasts long. Also depression and anxiety. They you toss in genetics and family history on they ended up on the short end of the stick.

    One thing I wished I had done differently was to have had more therapy for me. The kids had therapists... But many times, they did not share much info with me. I tried kindness and tenderness, tough love, boundaries, practically became a private investigator to try to find out what was going on.

    The other thing, natural consequences...even if I had to make them happen. I am at the point now that is the 16yo sneaks out, I will call the police. If I find drug paraphanalia I will call the police.

    The problem is, sometimes the police just brings them back home...and no consequences!! I have talked to the intake specialist at the teen shelter, and she told me to refuse to let the police drop her off. Or, the shelter will call and say to come pick up your child. She said if I refuse, the child has to go before the juvenile judge in 3 business days... And is more likely to get court services involved, like a case manager, and a probation offices, and routine drug testing.

    My problem is that I have a lovely, bright 16yo who can manipulate with the best of them. She can have you thinking you are crazy...and everyone else thinking that too.

    Good luck... KSM
     
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    If you don't want him living with you anymore, maybe you could call the police about the drugs. If they get called several times about the drugs and find them in the house or car, he would probably go to juvenile detention. Or, depending what type of drug he is abusing, the judge might force him into rehab. 17 is a hard age all around, even if there aren't drugs or severe behavioral problems involved. Every kid at that age lives to piss off their parents, teachers, and everybody above age 30. Have you already tried sending him to counseling? The drugs might be because he's a rebellious teen or there might be some compulsion to use drugs to block out something. Rehab or a psychiatrist could help him figure out that part. He sounds like maybe he's angry and hates the world. The stealing can be a learned behavior from being around other kids. Sorry about all the trouble with the landlord.