Hello, to my good friends. I haven't been on here for a while and haven't had the "need" to, since Aaron died. That's not really true-I haven't found the support that equals anything like I had here, when he was alive and we were all going through such hell. It's 9 months today since he was found dead of an accidental overdose. Just sat down against someone's garage wall and gave up his spirit.The autopsy and toxicology reports said he had Oxycontin, crystal meth, marijuana and alcohol in his system. I have no medical education, but it seems like he was kind of healthy, believe it or not. I don't think it was suicide, my theory is that he took as much as he could every day and if he woke up the next day, he'd just do it all again and if he didn't, then that was okay, too. It's hard not to be haunted by the way he lived, how tormented he was, why did he make the choices he did, how sad and afraid he must have been. Yet he kept on refusing help. I haven't really had the courage yet to go over my posts here, but I know it'll help-I just can't seem to find the balance between wanting him not to be dead (but I guess to be living on MY terms, i.e. taking the clean and sober path) and remembering what a fun and smart guy he was when he was straight and also reminding myself of all the he put me through, how much space he took up in my head, how afraid I was of him, how cruel he could be, etc. Who was the REAL Aaron? I'm not sure why I'm writing this-I just remember him telling me that he was treated like a rat on the streets. He was loved, had a great childhood, etc but there was a hole in him that could never be filled and he chose to run with the feeling that he was worthless. I'm sorry to be using this incredible site as a sounding board and a therapy session, but I have always found so much help and caring and compassion here that it was the only place I could think of, to unload the way I'm feeling today. So many people say, "Well, he's out of his misery now", but for some reason, that doesn't really comfort me. I'd like to see and hug and kiss him one more time and I will NEVER feel that I did as much as I could. I'm so sorry I couldn't save him from his demons... Peace and love to you all and thanks for reading.