Update -- Been Awhile

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Albatross, Nov 18, 2017.

  1. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    The last time I posted, son had just started in a year-long residential sober living facility and I posted about him angry and blaming us for his failure to make his first probation payment timely. He has been at the facility for almost 5 months now, and he has made some changes that are both gradual and remarkable. He still has a long way to go, and I know that things turn on a dime in the world of d.c.'s, but for today he is starting to "get it."

    He's successfully navigated some challenges that definitely would have derailed him in the past, including having to stand up to two residents and coworkers who were using and selling drugs while at work (which could have resulted in all three of them getting kicked out and worse). Both ended up going back to prison, several other residents were subsequently kicked out of the program, and son was treated like a pariah for awhile. Ultimately the people who are left are more focused on recovery, so the outcome was good.

    Son is becoming more responsible and is taking more responsibility. He pays his bills when they are due, without being reminded. Because of his draw schedule, he didn't always have the cash on hand to pay his cell phone bill or probation payment the week we saw him, so we would pay it for him. We never had to remind him to pay us back; he handed us the money as soon as we saw him the following week.

    He is now in his second phase of the program. The first focused on preventing relapse. The second focuses on why addicts use, and why in particular he chose to do so. He said he is learning a lot about himself.

    I think the biggest change in him has been his honesty. He is now rigorously..no, BRUTALLY honest. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes not so nice. If he is angry or resentful about something he vents, then we talk about it, then he lets it go, instead of ruminating about it or holding it inside.

    The change in his appearance is amazing. He's gained so much weight, most of it muscle because his job involves a lot of heavy lifting. His color is good, his eyes are clear, and he actually PAID for a haircut!

    My biggest fear at this juncture is that he just purchased a car, and I do worry that if he is tempted to relapse, a car is going to make it that much easier to take off. But I try to remember that he's almost halfway through the program -- maybe better for him to get used to SOME freedom now, rather than all of it at once. Plus, his facility is in such a terrible neighborhood that he doesn't really need a car to get into trouble...

    My second biggest fear is Thanksgiving. I know he is worried about feeling "under the microscope" with his other relatives. Holidays are hard. Family time is hard.

    Hubs and I are thrilled at his progress, though we try not to hang too much on it, as we know things can change quickly.

    We also still struggle to remember that this is his journey, not ours.

    I had this struggle brought close to home when daughter (29 years old) went through a rancorous breakup. Boy oh boy did I get unhealthily and inappropriately involved! She has been the easy child (perfect child) (most likely because of son sucking all the oxygen out of the room). A few days of being less than perfect and I am Mommy To The Rescue, ready to tell her all about why it went wrong and how she can fix it.

    So...I am not proud of it, but in many ways I am inclined to play the fixer. Son gave me an excuse to do so. So son isn't the only one learning as he goes through this program...
     
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so happy for the progress of your son. Celebrate this day by day.

    We are mothers and we all have codependent qualities. It is in our nature! Recognizance this and stepping back is a good thing.

    It is all an ongoing process isn’t it Albie?

    I understand your worry about the car, it is his journey.

    I am challenged every song easy to do what is loving and not enabling. It is not easy.

    Again your sons story gives me hope.
     
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  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Thank you, LBL. I have been reticent to post for awhile, because it seems every time I do the other shoe drops. But of course the shoe has dropped many times when I *haven't* posted too...

    He has a long way to go. He still struggles with many things, and I believe that his motivation at this point still stems largely (but at least not entirely) from the threat of prison hanging over his head. His probation officer is talking about cutting his probation to 1 year instead of 2 if he continues his good progress, so I worry about that too.

    The thing is, my worrying doesn't matter one bit, except to (possibly) delay choices that are his to make. I wish I knew that 10 years ago, and I wish I could remember it consistently now.

    I mean, really?!?

    My inner jaw is dropping as I see myself actually typing that I kinda hope my son doesn't get early termination of his probation.

    Good grief.

    It is a real struggle, even during the good days, not to get sucked back in.
     
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I hear you dear Albie. It is what we have to manage now and always.

    Re your sons probation. No different than my son being in jail. Their not in the realm of normal and we are right there with them.
     
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Albie, good to “see” you.
    The struggle is real. Worth it though, not to be drawn into the swirly whirly of it. Some days my brain is Aunty Em calling my Dorothy heart out of the storm.

    Hovering on the edge of normal. I don’t know many people outside of CD dealing with this. They talk of kids in college, grands doing well, going on trips, yada, yada.
    I’m happy for them.
    Sigh.
    Oh well.
    It is what it is.
    Huge doses of it is what it is.
    We are writing the book on that here.
    Take care Albie and LBL
    Leafy
     
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  6. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Best thing I have read in awhile. Thank you for sharing. This is wonderful to read!


     
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Seeking, you are so right, Albie this is wonderful to read. From angry and blame to remarkable changes.
    Praying for continued progress.
    :hugs:
    Leafy
     
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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Albie, it sounds so promising. I'm glad he's doing well. I understand your guarded optimism and I think you are wise to hold that.

    It's always nice to hear a good update about a Difficult Child. Thanks for sharing with us.

    Wishing you a very Happy Thanksgiving.
     
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I love a positive post. If nothing else, you know without a shadow of a doubt that he is capable of doing better. He may go back to his former life. In your heart you will know that it was an absolute choice on his part and will be able to let go of any guilt that you did something to cause it.

    I'm praying that the sober life holds more appeal for him.
     
  10. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Thank you for updating.

    As much as we are supposed to divest from outcomes, a hopeful story helps me renew my strength.
     
  11. LavenderShoremaid

    LavenderShoremaid New Member

    Keeping fingers crossed that he and you continue the journey of surviving and healing!
     
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  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Boy do I understand that! I actually posted my update on the Watercooler, for fear of jinxing things.

    I'm so glad to read your positive and optimistic update! It sounds like your son is doing quite well, learning and growing and I so hope it continues! My fingers are crossed for you and him, that it continues and the holidays are a peaceful time.
     
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's good to hear from you Albatross. And, to read a positive post about your son's improvements is wonderful.

    I am sending my heartfelt wishes for his continued success.....and for your mother's heart to heal....it's been a long journey for you......but there is much to be thankful for today.....today is all we have and for you and your family, today is a very good day.....

    Happy Thanksgiving!
     
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  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Albie

    I am so happy to hear this.

    My son is also in a faith based program in the "ghetto" of Memphis as he calls it. It's only been six weeks but so far so good. We will see him for the first time on December 16th. I'm anxious but excited to see him also.

    I am hoping that we will continue to see change. It is ever so slow but anything positive - I'll take it. I really think his very soul was broken.

    Truly happy for you that you have somewhat gotten off the "crazy train"!
     
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