Update: I've found courage & strength from Parents Emeritus forums

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Feb 17, 2018.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    What a rude awakening it is to get off work to arrive home to unwind the week away, to walk thru the door and hear the T.V up loud. What the heck! There's your 30 y/o addicted, bi-polar son. Who just got out of jail two days prior after being locked up for four months,sitting on the couch not a care in the world. Sipping on beer, smoking ciggs in my house and food laid out on the counters. Mind you he has not been invited over here for several years due to theif, drugs, irractic behaviors, the list goes on. I have posted some incidents on here. After reading a post left on my thread, it never dawned on me that I've been dealing with this for 4 years if not longer. How the times flies.
    I can honestly say this forum has been my strength, courage, and a reminder to not love him to death and take charge of my sanctuary.
    My husband had asked him to leave but he begged and pleaded & said he needed help to get a I.D. Husband exhausted and did like we always used to do, go in our room and ignored the situation.
    I get home late from work and husband tells me how T.V. is up and beer drinking... Then he said he just needs our help for an I.D. My motherly ways is ok in the morning will go do this and then take him to a shelter.
    Then husband gets in more details and advised me how he climbed thru the kitchen window! I am livid! Mind you it's 11:30 pm and raining. I storm into the room and demanded him to leave!
    There was screaming and things broken. Son tried to hit me and husband and him had punches thrown. The cops arrived and advised he had warrants. So back to jail he goes. Cops wanted me to press charges but it would of been a felony.
    I have the opportunity to change my mind and I'm still debating it?
    I will never understand why he thinks we owe him or why he continues to think he deserves my help?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, hon. What a horrible experience. I can't even imagine. How dare he.

    Why does he feel he CAN do it? Easy. Two reasons. First one is that some "children" don't feel the normal drive to be an adult. This is not the norm, but it is the norm with the ones who bring us here. So they, even at 30, want parents who take care of them, whether we are being taken advantage of or not. Even though it is far from age appropriate. There is a lack of seeing us as anything but their clean up people and I feel many think of themselves as forever your little kids and that you have to do what they ask during hard times. Like very little boys and girls.

    The second reason is that we let themdo these abusive acts. Some of us do. We can't really see our adults as adults and we worry more than they do about having clean records, staying out of jail or prison or both and being responsible. Many of us are afraid of felonies because of it being on their records. I don't know how I would feel in this situation. It never happened to me. From a back seat drivers perspective, he seriously broke the law and probably won't stop unless forced to and he isn't doing much with his life anyway. Felony? Does itimatter now? I dont and cant know. If he breaks into a strangers house, and he could, he will find no such mercy. But again I never had to face this.

    I think he will have to stop doing these things when you make him stop, maybe a restraining order. I think he is in the mindset of doing whatever he can get away with. From my back seat driver perspective, I know it was hard to call the cops but I think it's good that you did. This is a grown man who hit his own father. You both need in my opinion to be safe under your roof.

    I wish you love, light and peace and the sanity to make decisions that make your life better. Be good to yourself.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 17, 2018
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am sorry JS for what has happened. It is unfathomable.........oh wait, yes, this sort of thing has happened to me as well. As I have posted, my daughters would do the same. Come in through the windows while we were working. Who does that to their parents homes? Oh, yes, our adult addicted children. No respect, no boundaries, feelings of entitlement and when they cannot get what they are after.....rage. The thing is, where does this end?
    Will we become some news statistic?
    Screaming and things broken. Violence. Against ones own parents. I am sorry but as I read your account and write this, my first screaming reply is........press charges. It is because of his age and the audacity of his offense, breaking and entering, destruction of property and abuse of parents.
    If you removed the fact that he is your son, if he were a stranger, you would not hesitate to press charges.
    The fact that he is your son, makes this attack on your home no different.
    If you don't press charges, what then? Will he feel that his indecency and outrageous behavior is okay?
    It is comparable to an abused woman filing charges of domestic violence against her husband.
    Just because we are related to someone, doesn't mean they get to commit crimes against us, and we will give them a free pass.
    Just my opinion.
    I would be extremely worried about my safety.
    I think pressing charges would send a clear and concise picture that you will not stand to be mistreated and violated this way.
    Prayers going up for you, I would be completely shaken.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  4. Boston Mom

    Boston Mom New Member

    One of my great take away lessons the past 11 years with my own 20 year old son: Do not ever give the State (police, courts, psychiatrists) the right to take away his rights as an individual or my rights as a parent. Once you co-sign your child into a legal system (through felony arrest, sectioned hospitalization, etc), it will become very very hard (and expensive) to retrieve those rights. The system seems to be set up for a one-way passage down its own legal, administrative "rabbit hole."
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A 20 year old is already an adult. You have no rights.

    Dangerous adults need to be stopped from certain rights to protect innocent people so I disagree. Agree to disagree. Don't need violent adults with guns for example.
     
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I agree the legal system can be a mess.
    The problem is, what protection do we have? If an adult child has gone off the rails and has no respect or fear perpetrating crimes against their own parents, where does one turn?
    I have a friend who's brother in law was addicted to meth. He was upset over something with his brother and left a threatening message on voicemail that he was going to "burn their house down." They did nothing, feeling it would blow over, lived in fear for awhile. A few years later her brother in law was ousted from his rooming house, angry and psychotic from meth use, started a fire at the house that ended up killing an old man that lived there, he died of smoke inhalation. My friends brother in law was convicted of murder.
    This is why I am rightfully fearful of my two and the company they keep. They are both on meth. If they decide to come by my home and "help" themselves inside, I would definitely press charges. I have no other choice. It is my responsibility to protect my home and my young son. It is an unfortunate reality I face, that my own daughters, high on meth, might do something that in their right mind, they wouldn't.
    It is a hard and sad road that we walk. To each their own in deciding what to do, for we do have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror and live with our decisions. There is no judgement here, just folks posting from their hearts and individual experiences. Boston Mom, I appreciate your point of view, and am so sorry for the troubles you have endured.
    JS, your son is back in jail, so you do have some time to breath and think about what you need to do, to live with yourself and keep your home safe.
    I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is not what we imagined when we were raising our kids.
    Be kind to yourself and take time to recuperate and build yourself up. The chaos and drama our d cs cause is very difficult, disheartening and disturbing. My prayers are with you.
    Take time to breathe.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
  7. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I have said this before but i would recommend an alarm system that calls police automatically and let him know that it is out of your hands the police will be called. Also tell the police he is not permitted just because he is your son. That takes the stress off at least a little and hopefully stops anymore surprises. As far as pressing charges thats a hard call you probably should but i know how difficult it is and the consequences are harsh. Maybe you could get them to plea it down. I am also in a bad situation with my son and the court so am a bit predjudiced against the courts right now.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Maybe four years ago there was an altercation here. The upshot: my son pinned my SO on the floor and gave him a black eye.

    I do not remember if we called the cops (we called police several times and my son would call them on us to press for his "rights."). But we did not press charges. We did make him leave.

    I believe we made a reasonable decision for us.

    My son did not use hard drugs. I did not fear him. He was rational and had self control. We bore some responsibility. The situation had become intense. There had been a back and forth.

    My son is doing way better. We are too.

    That does not mean we were either wise or healthy to not throw the book at him. But I am glad we did not.

    I will tell you what I think. There are steps that you could take. You could have a discussion with your husband about boundaries. Son unmedicated on drugs is dangerous. If husband consented that he enter the house that to me would be an unwise boundary.

    Given a history of violence towards you at this point you could get a restraining order from the district attorney.

    I like the idea of an alarm as well as a camera system.

    With a camera to capture images you could have an ironclad agreement with yourself that if there was a next time...you would press charges.

    After all he is the adult here who has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Thus I do agree with those who speak from that point of view. But I know from experience how hard this is.

    It could be argued it is in your son's interest to face charges if he is incarcerated. He could withdraw from drugs. Get treatment. Get on medication. I am not sure in the long run we help them by protecting them from consequences.

    I agree there must be some consequence and boundary. You are his parents. He cannot be allowed to transgress in your space and against you. The question: what can you live with?

    I am sorry you are in this hard, hard spot.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2018
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm sorry to hear this also. I don't know what I would do either.

    But I think of your son's age and that makes me want to throw the book at him. Many have gotten sober and cleaned up their backgrounds. If that would make him get sober and change his life you'd do it in a heartbeat. I know.

    We have not stopped trying to help our son move in the right direction without enabling. He is still young but we fear the future if he doesn't really get on the bandwagon of change.

    Four years is a long time. So that tells me your son started this around 25? We're on year 7 with ours. Time flies while you are TRYING to live a normal life.

    It's mind boggling that some refuse to change and think their life is worth living.
     
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    How are you doing today? Did you decide to press charges?

    Of course I'm pointing out the obvious, your son has no respect for you, your husband or your home.
    Your son's thinking is warped in that in his mind YOUR home is his home. I remember when my son was still living under our roof and I would go through his room looking for drugs or drug paraphernalia and he would come in screaming at me to get the &*^% out of his room. I would remind him that it was not HIS room, it was my room in MY house and he only got to use it.

    I too went through times where my son would run away from home then while husband and I were at work he would break into the house, cut screens, broken windows, then would ransack the house looking for money.

    I understand that by pressing charges it would be a felony for him but that should not be your concern.

    If you have not done so already, I would make it very clear to your son that when he gets out of jail that he is not to come to your home. You could tell him something like (when you are released from jail you will need to find a place to stay. You are 20 years old now and need to be out on your own. We love you and want the best for you but you cannot stay in our home.)

    Also make this clear to your local police department that he is not welcome in your home.

    Be very careful here. Your son may say something like "I need to come over to get some of my stuff" If you allow him to come in, he may just stay and not leave. If he wants his stuff tell him you will box it up for him and you will bring it to him. Find a common place you can meet.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that ugliness.

    ((HUGS)) to you.................
     
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