Update on 17 Difficult Child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Jul 7, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    we struggle and struggle. Good thing is he salvaged hisb3 credits from school. He will be able to attend alternative HS next year gain experience in a trade and get his last 6 HS credits.
    His attitude is rediculous he has blatant disregard for our rules and he barely keeps his room in a livable condition.
    I drove him to court he requested more time and did not get the annoyance from the crown. Has not set up now legal aid. He missed his bail meeting last week. Is angrycthxthe can not do phone in for bail but he is considered too high risk. He barely crawled out of bed didn't even brush his teeth and went to court in track pants and a hoodie ...nice. He got a job slept in today and missed his first day of work...real nice.
    I am so stressed and so tired of his woe is me attitude today after the whole sleeping In mess and having insults hurled at me I suggested he investigate an alternate place to stay and suggested he seek social assistance to do so. All the whining and complaining stopped ...for a few hours. He text and asked why I was not home ....at a friends ....he wanted a ride to his friends ...told him take the bus...too long so he asked for uber money ....I said hells no...can drive you in an hour ....he hung up. Unreal. If he does not straighten his attitude out I will do more than invite him to explore alternative living arrangements. If he does not go to school this fall on a consistent basis he will be given a finite date to seek employment and alternate living arrangements. Let's see if he can get his but up for work on Monday. He doesn't bring drugs hone any more but he is still doing them. I tell him he has rehab for support and I no longer hound him for acceptance to an in patient program. He won't accept it and I can't make him go. He has bail coucil for his legal issues. I am just Mom. I love him but I truly don't like his behaviours very much. It has put us into a tailspin I am now on anti depressants and sleep like crap. Suffer from panic and anxiety. I am just so done. I have hope with no expectations.
     
  2. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Stop doing one thing for him. Drug addicts are just selfish. I know how you feel, i did the therapy and medication too. All it did was make me gain 80lbs. Google antidepressants and weight gain side affect. Tons of people. Be watchful im not saying dont use them, cux i needed them, but if your weight starts going up fast exercise or switch. Otherwise you will be more depressed cuz your fat
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2017
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I'm sorry, I know what you are going through. Mine found sobriety but is still growing and not sure he had a lapse, but HE has to figure it out.

    HE will not go to school in the FAll., do you think he even cares about house keeping? NO, he is a drug user..fact is these adult children have no respect for themselves or us. You said he is doing drugs...he does not want help, it's time for you to allow him to live his choices. What is your biggest fear? Prison? What people think? His safety?

    YOU aren't the one who should be on medications...if you had cancer would you seek treatment? Sure...well your treatment right now is to remove him from your home. Tell him to go stay with friends, can he figure it out?

    It could take him years to figure it out, but everytime you do things for him...he learns nothing.

    HUG yourself...you do not have to go down with him. HE CAN ASK FOR HELP! You can love him, support positive behaviors...the rest, say NO.

    We get it.
     
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  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son did all of this while using too. I never thought I could hate hoodies as much as I do. It's a piece of clothing but represents so much to me that I detest.

    He's now living a plane flight away from us and I.like.it. I don't feel guilty much for liking it anymore.

    He has been struggling with addiction since the age of 15. I do not have a relationship with him right now due to his last relapse and mom done suffering for his bad choices. I did write him a letter telling him that HE is the problem but HE is also the solution! Wow there's not many situations in life that fall into this category I think!

    We were in a tailspin with our son then at age 20 we finally had had enough and said rehab or find another place to live. He had been to rehab several times. He chose rehab and then we told him he could not come back home because past behaviors were that he'd do fine for a while and then start to again feed his addiction. Rinse and repeat.

    He has been struggling in Florida also but he is growing and learning. I do see some improvement. He used to live on my couch. Now he is working and in sober living and will start college in the fall while staying in sober living. His dad is going to visit him this week. Sometimes you have to FORCE IT.

    It's not the life we wanted for our family. But these things happen and you just have to deal with them the best that you can.

    Don't let him sabotage your life, your health and your marriage. It's not fair and you don't really have to allow this in your home.

    My husband and I saw an addiction specialist together to figure out how to deal with our son. My husband is not big into therapy etc. but said he'd go IF and only IF I'd agree to do whatever we were told. I did and now we are all in a much better place.

    We love our son very much. We want to see him succeed.
    :notalone::staystrong:
     
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Spent 2 hours with our therapist this past Thursday. She has done extensive testing on our son in the past. She agrees he has to go and that is that. Son declined to go to the meeting although he was home in bed ....until 3 pm. This is going to be one tough week. Technically he can leave home at 16 but you can't give them the boot until they are 19. So we have engaged child and youth services and are having them find him a place to stay. He declares he doesn't have to leave and that we can't make him go. Unreal. He will be 18 in 90 days. It's not like the courts will let him sue us for back support when he is criminal. He will either sink or swim but not my problem. Still says it is our fault he got arrested. Umm no we had you arrested for selling drugs from our home.
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

     
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well husband wants to give him one more shot. Husband is too soft. I am making him draw up the agreement this time and manage the behaviour this time as well. We spent 2 hours in therapy and our therapist agreed it's time for Difficult Child to go. I just am so exasperated with husband. I know he feels guilt as I do. I know he wants our son back as I do but it's not going to happen. My gut tells me his being on best behaviour will only last a few days.
     
  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    LBL, it may take your husband a bit longer than you to get fed up. I think it's important for him to be on board with the decision as it's a big one. Has hubby gone to the therapist with you?
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    LBL

    I think sometimes these dads were a bit wild (or whatever you want to call it) when they were younger so see this in their son. That is the case with my husband anyway. However my husband always had a great work ethic and worked but he did drink a LOT, bar fights, you name it. He never did pills like our son but abusing prescription medications wasn't really the "in" thing in the 70's I guess.

    It took him a lot longer to see that we really had a problem on our hands and that it wasn't just the normal teenage stuff. He started to see that our son was REALLY out of control and REALLY not caring about what happened to him.

    If your husband wants to try one more time then so be it. Maybe your son will get it with this last try which would be a miracle but I think you two have to be on the same page.

    Tough love is harder on us than it is on them.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I second, RN! Also dads often dont get as involved in day to day life as we do. So we see more and feel more.
     
  12. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Let your hubby handle everything then. Rides, money, attitude. Instead of you
     
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Yes husband has gone to therapist and was in agreement with plan to have son leave home when we were at the therapists but renigged when we were discussing plan. Have D.C. New living contract he was very annoyed but signed it. He thinks because he behaved for 2 days that we should be fine with his behavior. Not going to happen. He tried desperately to manipulate me into approving he Smoke blunts (joints), after telling me how addicts she was to doing poppers. I said my house my rules no drugs in my house. I also reminded him that he will have to be drug free on probation any way. He was grumpy today but no more than a usual teen ager. I love the days he works because he leaves very early and is home very late and is too tired to do anything but eat and sleep.
     
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh how I wish. And I am making him. Ore invovled and more accountable.
     
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well Job 5 is most likely out the window. High season for landscaping and 2nd day no one has reaponded to his texts for work location. He had stomach cramps and vomiting, didn't seam high yesterday after spending time with on again off again girlfriend (the anorexic, depressed, drug using cutter....great choice). Hard to tell if it is chronic gastritis from addiction to poppers, or if he is still doing them. The side effects can last for months after they stop. Asked to go to the doctors today. Not sure they can do much for him. The carnage he has done to his 17 year old body makes me sad.
     
  16. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My husband is very mild mannered he never smoked, partied or did anything of that nature. I experimented but did very little with drugs. A hand full of times I smoked in high school. Wasn't really for me. 3 brothers were heavy smokers 2 were into all sorts of trouble and kicked out of the family home. This kid of mine is just determined to learn the hard way and my husband wants to avoid conflict. Time for husband to get his head out of his ass.
     
  17. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Well we all learn together. Getting husband on same page will make things much easier to handle. The hurt , anger and frustration is there, but you won't feel so isolated.

    I'm angry and fed up, he may feel something different, but we do nothing without a mutual agreement. Marriage and God first, protection of other children....

    We are all stronger than we ever wanted to be!
     
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  18. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I can tell you from personal experience that my difficult stepson's biggest problem has always been that his biological parents are not on the same page. His father is not willing to allow the boy to experience consequences and has enabled DS for many years. I really hope your husband wakes up and soon. While of course any troubled kid got to where they are for MANY reasons, I strongly feel that his doormat of a father is the biggest reason why DS has acquired so many bad habits and cannot function without being enabled.
     
  19. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    We definitely have improved on a mutual front. Husband feels guilty as he is very British and didn't engage with Difficult Child very actively. He certainly was here and was not a negative or bad father. I told him the other day in our therapy session that he has to grow a set and stop letting the crocodile tears get to him. He has done some reading on Conduct Disorder and Drug Abuse on combination now. We beat ourselves up so much. And they smell it a mile away and take advantage of it. I also said people have choices and our son has choices. He had two loving parents a warm home and open hearts to come home to. A cat and 2 dogs. Did I tell you with last girlfriend on a trip theoguh the mall probably high they bought a Rabbit and were keeping it in Difficult Child bedroom closet. Needless to say husband found it first, didn't tell me and just said when your mom finds out she is not going to be happy. That was a therapy session focus for sure (insert face palm). I said the Rabbit was going one way or another and the X girlfriend came and took the damn thing cute as it was 3 Pets are enough! He doesn't even take care of the pets he has and he is a drug addict!! Give me strength dear Universe. And husband must catch up and smarten up.
     
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