Update on DGDs


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Most of you know our story, so I wont give a huge back story. Younger DGD had her baby 3.5 months ago. boyfriend is still in the picture, why wouldn't he be? Because of DGD and baby, he has a two bedroom duplex and food stamps. She is working about 25 hours a week and boyfriend was being a stay at home dad. At least while she was at work.

Last week, he didn't show for a court hearing about payments of fines from 2015 and 2016. So now there is a warrant for his arrest. DGD doesn't want to leave baby with him, in case he gets arrested while she is at work, and he won't man up and turn himself in. DGD seems overwhelmed with work, mom, apartment. Baby does seem healthy and happy, so that's the main thing. I wouldn't complain about the situation, except that now, she wants us to watch the baby every shift. This week, it's 5, 5 hour shifts.

Older DGD has finally got her own place...thanks to the stimulus and extra $600 a week unemployment for two months. Now she is back at work, and I don't see how she can pay for this. Her rental is too small to add a roommate and she signed a one year lease. At the time she had 3 part time jobs, but within two weeks, back to one part time job. Now her manager at the restaurant is saying she will lose her job if she leaves town for 5 days for a river float trip she paid for.

I know I have no control over either situation. I need to decide if we will babysit every work shift or not. There is always the chance that if boyfriend is arrested, the baby might end up in the system. It would depend on the situation of the apartment and the boyfriend...

Thanks for letting me vent.. As usual, no good answers... But open to suggestions. Ksm


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Gosh KSM I wish it was easier.

About the older girl, it's easier, because only she is involved. I don't see how you can do anything to rescue her. In the expensive metro near me, people do routinely rent out the living room as a bedroom. My son is living there and his room is the living room. I don't see what your options are. To me, subsidizing her rent, would not be the best idea. That said, I believe the law in my area is written that if landlords can find a replacement tenant, the old tenant is allowed out of the lease.

As far as younger daughter goes, to me, that's somewhat different. While I can understand why she wants you to save her from this, being responsible to care for the baby 5 days a week, is giving you a full time job too. How do you feel about this?

I know my own grandmother had this kind of relationship with me. I cherish it. I think I would let my decision be based on what my needs and desires are, and try to not make it about your daughters needs and wishes.

I didn't have a relative to help me with my son, and I worked full time. While it was stressful, I found full-time childcare, but I had to pay.

Does your daughter have the funds to pay for childcare? If not, are there subsidies available through welfare? That's why they have that program for children and mothers. It used to be called, Aid For Dependent Children, AFDC, to financially (and otherwise) help mothers of children under 6 years old. Years ago, there were childcare subsidies available through this program, as well as vocational training.

To end, I would let my decision be based upon what I want for me.
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I love my little great grandson...and we had been watching him for about one shift a week and maybe a few hours if she wanted or needed a break on day off. I guess I resent being expected to watch him while boyfriend does absolutely nothing. If he would man up and go to jail, I would be more willing to cover the shífts. Not knowing how long it maybe before he is arrested is also a factor. It doesn't seem like it's a priority here for police to arrest those with warrants. They have his address... And we would also cover shifts if he's in jail.

DGD is working at a franchise coffee shop, inside a grocery store. She would qualify for help with day care, but could not afford it on her own. But, getting her to fill out an application is next to impossible, esp with fears about the virus. Just getting her to return a call to WIC has taken two months! And still hasn't happened. She could get almost double the containers of formula if she would follow thru. Maybe all of this is a part of post natal depression...

I agree there is not much I can do or should do for older. She didn't discuss signing a lease with us. Here, the landlord can go after back rent if she breaks lease...until he gets a new tenant. The other two jobs she walked away from because she gets upset with bosses or coworkers. It's a small town and she has quit at least 10 jobs in 3 or 4 years. Two months is her average to keep a job. Ksm


Well-Known Member
I guess I resent being expected to watch him while boyfriend does absolutely nothing. If he would man up and go to jail,
You have had this guy figured out for years. Nothing you do or say or wish will have any influence on his flying right. To let yourself suffer even a little bit due to his inadequacy of character, is to suffer unecessarily. I know you know this. Beyond supplying the biological material to create a baby, his presence is superfluous, it seems.
These are all of these, choices she is making:
She would qualify for help with day care, but could not afford it on her own. But, getting her to fill out an application is next to impossible, esp with fears about the virus.
There are natural consequences to this. If there is no childcare, she can't work. Unless she solicits help with daycare.
She could get almost double the containers of formula if she would follow thru
Same here.

There is a pattern of behavior of your granddaughter that preceded her pregnancy and childbirth. Why go there to post-partum depression, for something that was present before, it seems to me? There are pluses. She is working. She seems bonded to the baby. Before the birth she had expressed irritation with the boyfriend.

I think it comes down to what you want. If you would want to care for the baby 5 days a week, on a regular basis, if deep down this is what you would want, why let frustration with this deadbeat Dad stand in the way? If you don't want to have the obligation to do so, then that is straightforward too. Your granddaughter can either find other options or quit the job. Millions and millions of moms are in this situation, have been in this situation or will be in this situation. It all depends on what you want to do for you.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I agree with everything Copa said.

Not being a grandparent, it's hard for me to imagine what I'd do. I agree that GD needs to not depend on you when she has the baby daddy there. How will this resolve itself? It could go on for years - him having a warrant. I don't think it's yours to fix unless you WANT to do this.

I would be extremely resentful of baby daddy sitting on his duff. Maybe if he gets a job you'd do it? I wouldn't do it otherwise I don't think.

That's my two cents. No way would I let him sit while you do HIS job. Nope.


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The problem here is (in part) that you don’t know when, or even if, they will come to arrest him. This could go on for weeks; maybe even months or years.

Some departments don’t search for people who they don’t consider dangerous, or wanted for a dangerous crime. They wait until the person inevitably gets into trouble again, and gets arrested for that. And, with Covid, more departments are putting off unnecessary arrests to avoid overcrowding their jails and risking spreading the virus. They are more often letting people out that are already in, at this time.

I am not real keen about you becoming the daily babysitter (unless that is what you truly want, which it doesn’t sound like is the way you feel) on the off-chance that he may at some point get arrested, at some unknown date in the future.

Do you know someone in the police department that you could ask what the chances are that they will come for him? Maybe ask what the procedure would be if he is alone with the baby when they come? Usually, won’t they
call mom or another relative to come pick up the child?

I’m afraid, if he gets out of taking care of the child while she works, he will not want to go back to it and be conveniently gone a lot, leaving her without a sitter and putting you on the hook.


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My husband volunteers at the local court. He has asked, and usually they would have them call someone to take the child. Our concern (and probably DGDs) is that IF there was concern for the child's welfare, then the child could be taken in to protective custody.

He has lost custody of two children, or at least two moms have lost custody, and he never showed up to try and follow thru to get custody. One is in foster care right now, and a DNA test proved he was the father. Our state has not legalized weed...so he probably wouldn't pass a drug test. Which could lead to social workers possibly removing my DGDs child from their home. There is a even a third child, bring raised by his wife's first husband, as that husband got custody of both children, and the baby was conceived and born during that marriage. Then they split up and bio mom married boyfriend, and they had a baby born prematurely and tested positive for meth. The bio moms mom has that child. Then a girlfriend tad a baby about the same time as wife...and that child was removed from her because of drug use.

So...4 young children. Such a f-ing fiasco. He is still married...but neither can afford a divorce. Which is good, as he cant pressure DGD to marry him.

He spent two months in jail last summer... Two of the charges are for beating up his then wife, who had hospital stays. But he has not had further legal charges since then. And he has never been charged with child abuse. But I don't trust him to be "fully" there for the baby. Maybe distracted by TV, video games, sleeping.