Update on difficult child and me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    About two months ago I decided fighting with difficult child just wasn't worth the energy. husband and I decided to give her $70 every two weeks for food and pay her car, car insurance, and cell phone bills. All she would have to be responsible for were extra's that she wanted. A week or so later we found out she had joined a sorority at school. All I could think was GREAT now she will be broke and have even more on her plate than she already did. I did not send any money for that so I am sure the BIO grands were footing the bill. All of our contact has been very generic. My script for phone calls is "Hi, How are you, How is everything, I love you." Everything else I say is totally noncommital and impersonal. I don't ask for specifics and I don't give my opinions. It's just safer that way.

    So yesterday I noticed some odd transactions in difficult child's savings account. (I wasn't snooping her accounts still show up under ours when I log in because they are connected to ours). Her savings account has money that she gets from the GI bill in order to help her pay her living expenses while in college. They send 1K a month which I think is way too much but I don't have a say so. The money goes directly into her account and she can use it how she wants. We have strongly suggested that since we are giving her living money and her dorm is paid for that she should save it for next year when the GI Bill is no longer paying. husband only gave her 12 months of the GI Bill so after that she has to get a loan or get a job.

    Anyway, a little over $800 was gone in a period of 4 days. So I thought HMMMMMM why would this be did she have some bills to pay I don't know about from the school? I broke down and gave her a call. She told me she was moving the money to another account so she could get it as cash. UMMMM all the withdrawals are from an ATM you are getting it as cash? I asked her where the money was and she said in a safe in her dorm room. I advised her that she needed to take that money and deposit it back into the accounts ASAP. Loose money in a college dorm is just asking for trouble. When I gently pressed her as to why she was doing this she broke down and said she was dropping out of college and moving to another city with her boyfriend. She wants to attend a Technical college and become a vet tech instead of doing 4 years. Honestly I don't have a problem with her moving or changing colleges. She is attending college to be a veterinarian but I don't have any faith that she will pull it off. If she didn't pull it off she would be a vet tech with a huge college loan. She says she hates her dorm, her roommate, she isn't making friends, and in general life just sucks there.

    Wait it gets better she was moving the money so she could use it for a deposit on an apartment so she and boyfriend could live in the new city together. She really thinks that a good apartment complex is going to let two teenagers without jobs sign a lease. Plus the town she would be moving to is not a safe place. Lets just say that I wouldn't want to turn down the wrong street and the city has one of the highest crime rates in the country. So the places she could afford would be in the ghetto and most likely very unsafe. boyfriend is apparently going to foot half the bill for the rent off of money he made this summer working.

    Top that off with she thought the government was going to let her keep all that money from the GI Bill. UMMMM Nope they want their cash back and PS it is all on her because it is done in her name under her social. She can fail the classes and they don't care but if she drops out they want it back.

    You all would be proud of me though!!! I detached and didn't lose my temper at all. I gave her the following advice.

    1. Go see the GI Bill rep at the school and find out the ramifications of dropping out.
    2. I suggested she make sure to have a roommate agreement in place before boyfriend and she moved in together to prevent issues.
    3. I suggested that since the boyfriend and her have only been together for about 9 months they might want to postpone living together until later. (IE: finish the freshman year in their own rooms then move in together if they are still good)
    4. I suggested she let us help her find a safe affordable apartment.
    5. Finish the semester and then move during Christmas break. She only has two months left before they get out.

    We actually had a decent conversation and she didn't lose her temper with me. Lets see if we can keep this up. LOL
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Well that didn't last long. husband called difficult child yesterday after talking with the rep for the GI Bill on her campus. He gave her the lowdown on them requiring the money to be paid back. If she drops out now she basically goes several thousand in debt. Apparently she didn't take that well (surprise surprise).LOL She told husband the GI BIll was stupid, the school was stupid, he was stupid, he forced her to go to that college, she hated it, and nothing we could do would stop her. He basically told her finish the semester and then move and we will support you.

    My brother called difficult child and pointed out some cold hard facts and then called to let me know. She didn't want to listen to him either. Get this!!! He told me she has no respect for me, husband, or my mother. LMAO Well DUH!!!! Yeah this kid that everyone is bending over backwards for is treating everyone except my dad like $hit.

    Anyway I called my dad and let him know none of us were getting through so he could give it a try. He tried to talk to me about personal stuff and I just cut him off with one word answers. I'm not ready to go there. I don't trust them after the **** they pulled with difficult child. Plus it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut and not say "LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TEACH A KID IT IS OK TO DROP EVERYONE AND RUN AWAY WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH." Yep now she is doing it again and this time it is her who will pay because the bill is in her name.

    But I kept my cool didn't say a word and detached to my hearts content.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Good for you, District. There are times when this business of family members thinking they know better than we do feels like a war. I am happy for you that you were able to stand right up to your father. I hear you understanding that your child chose what is happening now, and that it is not something you need to feel guilty for, or could have changed. That is so good.

    We are all right here, pulling for you.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm proud of you, although I don't know why you give her any money at all. But if it works for you, and you feel more at peace, that's really all that matters. When the difficult children (are they not absurd? NOTHING we do is ever any good...doesn't give us much incentive to do ANYTHING)...anyhow, I digress...when these difficult children decide to pout or do irrational stuff, then it's time for us to go into "my mental health first" mode and do whatever is best for us, not the difficult child, in order for us to have good lives and feel content inside, in spite of the difficult child.

    I personally think your parents are awful. I don't blame you for not trusting them. If you can ever get to a level of trust with them after this, you are a better person than me. At any rate, you handled your father very well too.

    Sometimes I think that when difficult children say "I have no respect for you" or the ever famous "I hate you" they really mean, "I have no respect for myself. I hate myself."

    Hugs and keep up the good work and keep treating yourself with the respect and niceness that YOU DESERVE :)))

    If misery loves company...lol...know that I just got hung up on by 35 for "not having enough faith in me!!!" LOLOLOL. Oh, if ya don't laugh, ya'll cry :)
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys!
    I have some decisions to make about what we will continue to do if she does do this. Considering I could have used the GI Bill to finish my degree or easy child could have used it when the time comes. Basically she is just wasting thousands of dollars we will never get back. I did speak with her Friday and she has agreed to speak with the GI Bill rep before making a decision. We shall see how that turns out!
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So today I was on Facebook and I have difficult child as a friend. I noticed she has been trying to sell stuff online. Just to be nosey I pulled up the Facebook page and saw she has the brand new laptop we got her for college on there for sale. I was NOT happy. We are still paying for the dang thing!!!

    Anyway I called difficult child and it didn't go well. I guess I should have started the convo a little better instead of saying "what is going on?" She immediately ripped into me about calling my brother and telling him about her decision to drop out. I explained that I didn't do that her father did. I also explained that he only did it because his conversation with her was so negative he wanted her to have someone she liked to talk to. He thought my brother would be a good person since she and he have a good relationship. Lets just say things went downhill from there. She got mad because her father had transfered the money she was blowing out of her savings account without asking her first. I explained he was concerned because of her anger towards him and the GI BIll that she might blow it and then have to pay it back. I explained that we were simply trying to keep her from going into debt. That we support her decision to move and that we love her we just didn't want her to go into debt so early in life.

    As usual I got the whole don't contact me and the BIO Dad is more caring than you are spiel. She said a lot of angry hurtful things. Told me to shut up and then hung up on me. I immediately decided it was time to wash my hands of this. I am done! I transfered the money back to her savings, stopped her alotment every two weeks and texted her to let her know. Now to figure out what else to do to make this stop.