Update on the relationship mess

[DammitJanet]

The other post was getting long and I wanted to let you all know how it went with my attempts to "communicate" with him. Sigh.

Maybe I am just not a good negotiator. It seems like when I start out with saying anything he gets his back up. I told him that I didnt want him to feel that he had to give up his hobbies but that I also needed his time and I would like to spend time with him. I got a blank stare.

I said how about if we compromise so that you can take one weekend a month and have your all day fishing or hunting thing and I wont say anything and then we take another weekend a month that is just for you and me. He said...well then I also get another weekend to fish. He is stuck on his two weekends to fish. I can do what I want on the other two weekends...even though I suggested that maybe we combine fishing with me at some point. No...that would have to go on MY weekend.

Uhhh. No. Besides as he pointed out...we are never going to be able to afford to go someplace one weekend a month anyway.

Ok so I said...so what you are saying is that you go do your thing your two weekends and I just get to do what? Look forward to staying home for my two weekends right? yeah I thought so.

Now I realize this sounds really stupid and petty but I am jealous that he gets to go out in the real world and work and see real live adults (even if they dont always act that way) and talk to people 5 days a week. Then he gets to go hunting or fishing or whatever another day a week. So that is 6 days a week.

I can go for weeks at a time without talking to anyone except the boys, my therapist, a doctor or the local checker at the supermarket. I consider it my big time out to go to my shrink because he is in the town up from me so I always have lunch when Im there. Alone. How pitiful. Im sick of talking to my kids.

And even if he doesnt go hunting or fishing on some weekend, he goes off to visit someone at some point during the day...leaving me here at home alone. So basically out of 30 days...he is out and about at least 25 of them. That gives me 5 or 6 days he isnt anywhere else.

I think I am going to stop complaining or trying to make it better. If he wants to do his thing whenever he wants...go for it. I will just try to find something that makes me happy but if we never happen to meet up again, that is the chance he will have to take. I am a needy person and I need my partner to be here for me and if they arent, I tend to go looking elsewhere.

 

[Hound dog]

Janet

You're not needy. You just want something to look forward to outside of your homelife and kids. No one can fault you for that. Tony just doesn't get it because he's not the one who is stuck. I was stuck for 20 some years. And believe me, husband will never have it his way again.

I'm working hard on trying to think of things that might be available, fun, and cheap for you to do.

Isn't church Bingo cheap? And you've always got the chance of winning. And it's an activity you can do sitting on those not so great days. You'd get a chance to socialize with other adults too. I was going to give it a try here before school took over my free time. (rumor has it our Catholic church's prize pot can get rather hefty on a friday night)

Hmmm. I also take 20 bucks on the weekend and pick a day to hit yard sales. I could care less if we can afford it or not. The bargains I find can be worth their weight in gold and husband has learned not to complain. lol Since our town is so small I wind up doing as much visiting and getting to know people as buying stuff.

I'm sorry Tony went all male on you.

(((hugs)))

 

[1905]

Janet,
Try killing him with kindness. Tell him how thankful you are for him, how much you appreciate all he does after he gets home, let him know he's a wonderful husband and father. From your earlier post, it seems like that's what he needs to hear.

It doesn't seem like he's going to budge on the 2 weekends for fishing topic, so let him know that that's great and you hope he enjoys himself. Tell him that you understand his need for fishing, but you also have a need for companionship from him. You need to recharge your batteries and you do that by spending time with him. You love him and you want to get back some of the way you were earlier in the relatioship.

You could go have a picnic, anything that is private and away from everyone. Go out to dinner, nothing expensive.

on the other hand, husband and I both work-for me not as much in the summer- but we spend maybe 10 minutes a day together. Frankly, that's fine with me- I love him to death, we're here in the house together- but he's doing his thing(on the computer-World of Warcraft-all day and night)- and I'm doing mine in peace!

If all else fails, get on a bus or train, come to NJ- we'll have fun at the beach- nobody will go with me-you can stay here.-Alyssa

 

[Suz]

Janet, I agree that you would probably be less dependent upon Tony if you had some outside interests of your own. And I'll bet you'd feel a whole lot better about yourself, too, if you were a bit more independent.

I know that your health precludes you from working but maybe there is a volunteer activity you could do on those days you feel good? United Way used to have a Volunteer Coordinator who would match interests and abilities with the needs of an organization or individual. In the old days when I had the time, they matched me with a hospital job I loved and I also wrote some articles for a brochure they were developing- one was an activity that got me out and the other was one I could do at home....and both made me feel good.

Hugs, Janet.

Suz

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Doesn't hunting and fishing cost money too? Don't you have to buy amo and bait and the gas to get there? Why not ask him to give up one of those weekends a month and put the money he would spend in a jar. I bet after a couple months you would have enough for a night away. Perhaps every quarter you could take a night away.

Sharon

 

[Abbey]

Suz had great advice. Find something to volunteer for. It could be a library, homeless shelter, food bank, school, anything. As I have found, you meet the most amazing people at the silliest job. You might actually enjoy going there.

Abbey

 

[flutterbee]

I don't think you're needy, Janet. I think you want to spend some time with the person you chose as your lifelong companion.

I don't have any advice. This is not my area of expertise, as you well know. I just wanted to tell you that I don't think you're asking for too much. I do think it would help if you could get out more. I also know how hard that is with both your health issues and not knowing what you are going to feel like from one day to the next and with being rural. It would help me if I could get out more, but if I overdo it then I end up with a day like I had yesterday. It's hard. And I really don't think you're asking for too much.

(((hugs))))

 

[DDD]

As I recall you were an A student in college. Perhaps you could choose a new academic goal and pursue it online. I
know GFGmom (yuk!) is taking courses that are required for a career change....heaven help the world, lol!!

It would be ideal if you found something fun that you could do
when you felt up to it that also had the potential for bringing in some supplemental income.

You're sharp as a tack and smart as a whip. Go for it! DDD

 

[house of cards]

Following up on DDD's suggestion, look at ocw.mit.edu, you can find something like 1800 courses on line for free.

 

[TerryJ2]

You're right. Not fair.
And hunting and fishing require licenses that cost $, plus camping equip, and food. Again, no fair.
Can't imagine that he got his back up after you phrased it so carefully, saying you wanted to spend time with him.
Sigh.
I feel your frustration.
In the meantime, you must forge your way alone, so to speak, and do something outside your home for sanity, self esteem and possibly for $. Just go for it, whether it's a volunteer job or hanging out at the bookstore or getting a PT job.

 

[Star*]

Janet -

This may sound gay but - MY NIGHT OUT with DF WAS at the therapists. We'd go have dinner - and then hit a Big lots - it's a place with tools (he won't be bored) and junk (I can look at) and then to the therapists, then home.

I miss our date night - we do NOTHING now - except talk about how depressed he is and how tired I am.

If this is 40 - 50 is going to really inhale.

I'm sorry you're lonely. I understand.

Hugs
Star

 

[DammitJanet]

Star...that is MY date night! Only my date is alone and in the afternoon and I skip the Big Lots and it usually involves Sonic...lol. I used to make Thursdays MY DAY. My therapy appointment is always at 3 pm on Thursdays unless there is some monumental emergency. I would leave the house around noon, go buy a True Story magazine unless I was already reading a book, go to one of a couple of restaurants that dont mind if I sit there and read while I eat for an hour or more, then go get a soda and hit therapy. I was all alone and no one bothered me and I didnt have to rush anywhere. Not anymore.

Now I have to pick Billy and Mandy up at school at 1 on Thursdays. Half the time Billy has to be at work around 4 so that means he has to go with me to my therapy time which means I cant go out for my lunch alone. I dont wanna go with him because that means I just have to TALK to him more.

 

[skeeter]

Janet - you can only "change" you, not him - as I know you are well aware.

You need to find something to engage your mind in. Volunteering is wonderful if you can find the right "fit". Check at your local library for "book clubs" or such. If you lived near me, I'd teach you how to play mountain dulcimer!!!
What I'm basically saying is while it would be great if Tony would join up with you - it may not happen. You need to find ways to get your own happiness - and maybe when HE sees how much better you feel about life, he'll want to be a part of that, too!

 

[DammitJanet]

Well things have taken a turn for the worse.

His wonderful "friend" and boss turned on him on Friday and now he is out a job. Tony has worked for this guy for years and has been his right hand man and probably the only one who works for him that knows as much as the boss about how to run the jobs. Basically he was a foreman. At his age and with his experience he should be. Of course, this didnt sit well with some of the other jerks who work with him because they are difficult child's and dont like being told what to do. Tony actually got the job that they were working on for his boss because the guy who was the contractor liked Tonys work and would hire Tonys boss because he knew it meant Tony would do the running of the crews. I guess this has been eating at the boss. It came to a head on Friday and stuff was said in anger.

Now our goose is basically cooked...sigh. I feel really badly for him because he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. We cant afford for him to be without a job. We have no savings and live paycheck to paycheck. Billy will help with what he can but he only works part-time. My disability check only covers my car payment and a few basics. Cory is next to useless. He is more worried about buying fireworks.

Sigh...I could really strangle his boss or should I say ex boss right now. With friends like that who needs enemies? Tony still says this guy is his friend but if that is the case, I sure dont understand the definition of friend.

 

[klmno]

Oh, Janet- that just s***s. Is this guy enough of a "friend" to find Tony another job?

I hope he (Tony) jumps in quickly by hitting the phone tomorrow morning and calling to see what else might be available. Maybe he can call the guy that hired this company to do that work- maybe he'll have a lead to somewhere else. If nothing else, he can asked that guy to be a reference for him.

I hope this is short-lived and leads to a better job than what he had.

I'm wondering, too- is it the type of work that Tony could do small jobs on his own? Maybe he can also put the word out that he'd like to do some jobs like that.

 

[witzend]

husband and I had that talk last night. The one where I told him that I was sick of being at least fourth in his life, behind work, World or Warcraft, and his dog. I told him that I would no longer put him first if I was going to be fourth to him.

It just makes him pout. Sometimes I get a reaction for a little while, but he's not really changing. I am.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, no, Janet! I wish I had some words of wisdom. I like what Witzend said, though.
And Tony has to immediately start calling Mon. a.m., and doing Internet searches. It's going to be hard to be supportive when you've been hurt, but it's in your best interest.
As others here say, this really inhales air.

 

[susiestar]

Janet,

I am so very sorry.

Big Hugs,

Susie

 

[KTMom91]

I'm so sorry. Sending big hugs. Hope Tony finds something quickly.

 

[WhymeMom?]

This falls under the "careful what you wish for" theme.......you wanted more time with him?
Well, with your description of his construction skills, I would think he won't be unemployed long.......thinking of you and your family.......