Update that may give strengths to others

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SeekingStrength, Aug 11, 2017.

  1. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    husband and I have a 37 yo son who has tried all the cr*p I read that your sons and daughters are trying on you. He started manipulating around the age of 17yo - hateful and refusing to following house rules. I have posted many times about how we tried, unsuccessfully, to get him removed from our home. We were told by law enforcement that, unless he caused us harm, they could not remove him if this was his legal address (no matter his age).

    Go forward to a few years ago. husband and I were sick and tired of nothing working, nothing getting better. We knew we had to stop the enabling and I found this forum. What a difference that made in our mindset, and ultimately our happy meter!

    And, once we cut off all money, things went just like these wise forum folks predicted. Lots of diatribes, vile emails, hateful phone calls, etc, etc. Eventually, his long-time girlfriend kicked him out so where does he go? He tells a sob story to my parents and they start the enabling. Because....they "had to". He had been so mistreated. Ex girlfriend was a total jerk (according to our son and my parents believed it). They had known for years that husband and I had always been unfair to him; our son started telling them that years ago. They paid $$ for an attorney because his ex took him to court for some bad stuff. He got off on all of it. Then, he decides he wants to sue her(!) Our son has nothing except what my parents have given him.

    Which brings me to this. My parents are totally done. Son has stolen money from them, lied to them, lied about them, been hateful. The last straw was a check he forged for $700 on their account.

    It has been over a year since my parents started enabling him. (To be fair, my dad has been against it every step of the way, but nobody tells my mom what she is going to do/not do.)

    A glimmer of hope is down the road now, finally, maybe, hopefully. Because husband and i can think of nobody left who can/will enable him in the style which he "deserves". (He has actually used that very expression - "what I deserve")

    Learn from me! This has been going on 20 years. Possibly nothing would have improved without all the enabling, but DEFINITELY nothing improved with it. The result has been a lot of angst and hurtful words and miserable times. And, our son, using folks to avoid working and pay for his addictions.
     
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  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Seeking. So glad to hear from you. Bittersweet post. There is the possibility now that he will have to face himself. Your mother is so proud (and not in a good way). I remember from FOO! Take care.
     
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Seeking, I have wondered so often how you and hubs are doing. Good to "see" you.

    Wow. He just keeps $#!+ in his own bed, doesn't he?

    As Copa said, how bittersweet. I'm glad he can't take advantage of them anymore. They certainly gave him every possible chance and certainly tried to see him in the best possible light, despite all of the evidence to the contrary.
     
  4. Alex A

    Alex A me and couszin, great time catching the bass

    i tottaly hear what you mean, my b rother is the same exact way, im 18, and im 100% not like that. The only way to stop him from doing this is to punish him, and keep punishing him. you dont want to but, you should cas if u dont he will keep thinking he can do what ever the f he wants, same thing happend with my parents, they were not strict at all, so brother thinks he can do wat ever the hell he wants.
     
  5. Alex A

    Alex A me and couszin, great time catching the bass

    their all the same way, steal, take drugs, smoke, be a bum, manipulate all, espically parents, my parents r blind to see it, my brother has stole about 60 dolllars every 2 months, for the past 8 years, smoke pot, talks to everryone like he really geniunly cares, but he doesnt give a :censored2:, 1 timehe stole my 140 dollars, and they didnt belive me even though thins has happend 5000000 times before, we ask him 5 times in a week, says no everytime, then parnets start getting pissed at me for blaming him. then we got the fukin bastard, i did, they didnt do anything, the older paretns get the slower they get and domer, and oblviious, not all parents. hes beat me, i went to a mental hosiptol, becasue my parnets thought i was getting to pissed at what my brtoehr kept doing . hes drviven my dirtbike wheelie up the str, swear to god i hope he dies whith litteraly crap on top of him, wiith a sign on his grave, says genuine bastard and coward. heres my solution. DONT GO YOUR WHOLE LIFE LIKE THIS. DITCH THE WHOLE ACT, HELP HIM BUT IF HES BAD JUST DITCH HIM, SEND HIM OOUTTTTT. OR ELSE THIS IS LIFE U GONA HAVE FOR MANY MANY YEARS. 10 20 30 MB TIL U DIE
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Seeking

    Thank you for confirming we are doing the right thing. We are on year six and our son is almost 22.

    It sucks the life out of you.
     
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Great post!