Update -- We Came, We Saw, We'll See What He Does....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Sep 11, 2014.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    So, we did see our difficult child tonight. We stuck to our plan to meet in a public place, keep it short, no gifts (except feeding him), and giving him rehab info for HIM to call. Will see what he does now....

    Having not seen him since May, not sure what we'd see. Thin, mixed hygiene (we've seen worse), nice winter coat on him (80 degrees here today and he's wearing winter coat -- not enough skin on his bones, I guess). No facial meth marks (this time), losing patchy bits of hair (never seen that on him before), losing teeth, galore (worsening significantly). In fact, he says losing his teeth is the biggest constant reminder of how meth is killing him. Yup, that's a fact, son.

    Didn't try to "gaslight" us at all, so that was a pleasant surprise. I kinda forgot that guy existed. He didn't rage, demand, beg, or cajole. Answered direct questions with direct answers. Can't verify if accurate, but his tone suggests there's a chance it's true (maaaaaybe). Pulled no punches about his hard drug use. Meth, heroin, track marks, teeth rotting so bad he can't eat many solid foods any more.

    However, as always, we only trust what's verifiable. I handed him a short list of phone #'s for rehab centers our insurance covers, plus a Drug Help Hotline for our area for other options. He expressed interest, but, well, you know.........we've got to see verifiable proof before we believe it.

    Sooooooo......... All in all, I'd call it a peaceful and relatively successful short meeting (just 30-min). Hey, that's about as good as it gets with our difficult child these days and we are at ease with it.

    As bad as things have been, I must admit it was good to see his face tonight. We smiled (some), hugged some and even laughed a little. Some of it was utterly depressing (why do people choose this lifestyle?), but realizing this is as good of a communication as we've had in 6 months is helpful. PERSPECTIVE. The moments are few and far between (as many of you know with your difficult child's, too), so it was a pretty good visit.

    And that is what I'm grateful for today -- A good visit with difficult child. husband agreed it was good for him, too. Even 30-min is a positive. And we know to savor it, appreciate it, and..... leave before it gets bad again! LOL! So we did. :D

    Tonight, we are grateful for a peaceful and heartfelt short visit together. And that is enough for today! :)

    Thanks for being so supportive in this group. I carried some of your words with me tonight and it was quite lovely to feel that. Thanks!
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  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I'm glad u had a good visit. Since his demeanour has changed, maybe, just maybe, he's finally starting to get it? Although it's not good to get our hopes up too high...

    A side note....I live in the States but this Kindle Fire that I own spells certain words like I live in the UK or Ireland (such as demeanour) and will not let me spell it the American way...lol...
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Hopefully he will hit his rock bottom soon and want to get better. Once he wants to kick the drugs for goods, he is going to have to go through some serious detox because the drugs are making him an ill person. He should be ever so thankful he has rehabs he can go to. Wow, most don't have that kind of access. You gave him a lot by giving him those phone numbers.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Sounds like he is tired of being sick and tired, which is a good thing. My daughter was stick skinny and had a terrible complexion while using meth and she still has a bad complexion which she blames on meth, but she is chubby now. That meth makes you not hungry at all. Heroin addiction...ugh. My daughter never shot up. I am praying and crossing fingers, eyes, arms and toes for your son. I hope this is his rock bottom!

    Guide me, there are lots of rehabs. Even the poorest can go to rehab. My son's birthmother went to rehab eleven times!! Sadly, last I heard she had walked out again.
  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    thank you for updating us. I was wondering how things went.

    This means so much to me! How refreshing that he was just an honest man. I would love that from difficult child. He has lied, cheerfully and meaninglessly about everything forever..I have no idea who he really is. That is one of my deepest sorrows. I would give a lot for 30 minutes of honesty. I'm glad you had that.

    and I'm so sorry about the teeth! How awful! How much must meth mean to them that they are willing to continue doing that in the face of these consequences! It is a fearful enemy. I would have had a hard time looking at some one like that. Again..your strength and love, and that of your husband, came through in that you were willing to sit there, to talk with him, to provide him with what he needed. Yes!!

    And that says everything. You and husband have worked on yourselves, relied on each other, and found the strength that we all need to be mentally and emotionally whole. I am so happy for both of you, and glad you got to see your son. Blessings on your family today, and all days. Blessings on all of our children.

  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I don't know where. we find the strength to do what we do.

    I am glad you were able to see him.

    I'm so sorry this is happening.

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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Headlights, you have so much recovery and healthy behavior under your belt already! It is clear in your posts. I am so glad from you and you are helping me.

    Yes. This is something I have learned, and am getting back to. My mantra for the immediate future is to protect my sanctuary/my home and keep it difficult child-free. If we see each other, we will meet in a public place for a short time. Lunch or a coke. No gifts except feeding him. That way, if it's not going well, you can leave quickly. Best for my mental health.

    I am very encouraged by this. My SO always says: You will know when he is ready to change. His voice, his eye contact, his words, everything will be different. It sounds like maybe, just maybe, your difficult child is getting to this point.

    It is a bitter irony that meth results in black rotten teeth, and it's right there, front and center, for all to see, but especially the person using the meth. There is no denying it. Lies won't work with that one. I can imagine how that must hurt you to see, but maybe it is the visual reminder that he has to have to push him those last steps to a desire for recovery, for change.

    Sigh. I know. It's SO HARD to sit with them and have any kind of conversation because our minds are like racing rats...cataloguing and testing every single thing they say for verification. It's exhausting. It's awful.

    One of the things I am working to do is not engage at all, keep my sunglasses on, turn the radio up, be a blank kind of nice, so that there's little engagement (by me) and I can maintain my emotional distance even in his presence. It's incredible the acting jobs we have to do---and I am a TERRIBLE ACTOR.

    I am so glad you got to see him. The heart wants what the heart wants, and that is our sons and daughters, to lay our eyes on them from time to time, and just to look at their faces, to see that there are still here, still alive, still there is a chance.

    My hardened heart is softening just writing this. Don't worry, not to change my behavior, but to change my heart. I don't want to live with a hardened heart toward anyone. I just don't---it's not good for me.

    It is so impossible to understand the answer to this question. I can get that the drugs feel good. I can see that. You're zoned out for a while, life feels great, no problems, flying high. I see the lure.

    But the cost of it all is so high. I guess the lure outweighs the cost. And my son says that living on the street just isn't that bad.


    That is the day you are waiting for. The day his teeth suddenly are intolerable to him, and he "wakes up" and looks around, like it's the first time in a long, long time, and he thinks: I just don't want to do this anymore.

    That is what must happen. We all pray so hard for that day to come for them. I hope so much for you that this is happening inside him.

    Isn't it amazing how much we value honesty now? I can barely tolerate any type of dishonesty anymore, including superficiality, posturing, putting on airs, self-importance, spinning, deflection, avoidance...you name it, it's all lies. It is repugnant to me.

    Some of the things I used to do, some of the people I used to be friends with---before all of this---I can't do it anymore. It's too fake.

    I hate lies. I detest them. I would rather be hit in the face with the raw, awful, ugly truth than hear one more lie.

    I'm reminded that difficult child is still lying by easy child saying, when he sold his TV the other night, that "oh, I got this two years ago." He did not. He got the TV from his dad when he graduated from high school in 2008. easy child said he didn't say a word, and the pawn shop guy didn't even look up the TV, just gave difficult child $300. The lies just keep on coming.

    Headlights, I am glad you are here. Keep telling us your story. It is helping me. Warm hugs to you today and to your husband and I am praying fervently that your son is ready to change.
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  8. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    How I love connecting, learning, sharing, expressing and supporting in this forum! Thank you all!

    In a daze --Funny about "demeanour" and similar word changes. Before you said that, I wondered if your picture was a flag from another nation! :) And I agree.....the Hopes-Up-And-Down Rollercoaster is a rough ride....often not worth the ticket.

    GuideMe -- I sure hope it's his rock bottom. Actions, followed by verifications will speak. Until then, much hope, love and....wise boundaries. Thanks for your kind words of support!

    MWM -- Yep, meth (esp Meth Mouth) takes a toll. Meth Mouth seems to be the primary beacon beckoning him to rehab now. A gift in disguise? A HARD gift, yes....but a HARD gift is better than no gift at all. I mean this in the best possible way.....I'm glad your daughter is "chubby" now! :)

    Echo -- I hear you about cheerful lies -- you have a good heart and don't deserve that. Last night really was a pleasant surprise for us on that front. We rarely see that guy any more. We're not terribly confident we'll see him often in the future. So we just savor what moments we get. Learning better Mindfulness. His life seems to run in segments of "whatever happens in the next 20 minutes. So a 30-min timeframe seemed just perfect! LOL!

    Scent of Cedar -- It is amazing the strength we all emit when called upon to do so, isn't it? Our difficult child's are so difficult to survive sometimes. I wonder..... Would we know how deep our strengths were if we were not called upon to dig so deeply for them?

    Childofmine -- Oh, what a sweet soul you are! You are definitely not "hard". Funny you mention the word "sanctuary". That's a word I use often. Funny Aside: During terrible times with our difficult child, I find myself quoting (in a comical, skewed voice) from the movie "Logan's Run"......."THERE....IS....NO.....SANCTUARY...."! LOL! Remember that scene? If not, Google it. It made me laugh maaaany times during our storms when I needed it! :D

    But there IS sanctuary....... We can have it in our selves, in our homes, in our loved ones, and right here in this group!

    Thank you, again, everyone! And, as Echo said, "Blessings on all of our children." ...........And us parents, too!
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  9. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Childofmine --- by the way, using SUNGLASSES as an emotional shield when needed? Absolutely brilliant! Great idea! I'll stick that in my tool box and pull it out when needed! Thanks for that tip!
  10. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Hi HM, it is the Irish flag (because I'm Irish, of course, couldn't find any decent avatars to reflect that except stupid leprecauns and the like) but this tablet I have is refurbished and somehow the operating system is very British in its lexicon, and very polite "would you like to restore the tabs? no thanks, or yes please!", lol...just a coincidence I have the flag...

    I read your latest post...Excellent!
  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    No problem HM. If he is not at rock bottom, he might be on his way to rock bottom, meaning this is his start, in his decent. I think there are so many levels to this deep hole of addiction, levels most of us, even addicts don't understand. Maybe the reason for this meeting was a test for himself more than anything. Maybe there is a *part* of him that changed and he wanted to experience you guys from a way he never has before and that his from a more mature stand point (even drug addicts mature a little bit, they have to), to see if he can do it. To see if he can have you in his life and not use you, manipulate you and actually see you as people. My what a concept right? When we see our own parents as actual *people*. However, don't even get your hopes up at all, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that, but just keep it on the back burner for when you want it.