Update...yeesh.

[Jabberwockey]

Just looked back. I misread it. Sorry.

 

[Lil]

That's okay...I wouldn't have paid more than we discussed without talking to you.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil, you are doing the best you can do...and that is perfectly good enough!

Oh lil, it's so very hard to watch the fall, but sometimes it's the fall that puts them back up

This is the gospel truth. It is absolutely the fall that puts them back up.

Hang in there. You have helped, you have set a boundary, now see what happens.

 

[New Leaf]

During one of my melt-downs last night (yeah...there've been a few) I said to Jabber, "It kills me that we have to be this way because it's HIM. If he were anyone else...if he wasn't the person he's been, we'd just help. Other people have their kid move in with them and save his money until he's on his feet. Other people can give their kids cars and buy their kids food and not have to worry that they'll just expect more and take advantage. It's not fair."

I was thinking this very same thing, Lil, my small house is in a shambles as we rearrange rooms again, for the umpteenth time, but this time , for our easy child. She is 21, and rents here are upwards of 1500 for a half decent place in a half decent area. So we will help her.

I cannot do this for my two, they just keep going on a downslide and take total advantage of the situation.They don't see it as an opportunity to step up, to do better. They take it all for granted, feel entitled.

It is interesting that this is happening to your son with his room mates. What a paradox and a challenge for him as he has to deal with the very same things we as parents have been dealing with. One has to wonder what is going on inside of his head, why he would allow this to continue as he struggles. He is learning that the "stoners" he chooses for friends aren't really friends he can count on to follow through. Hopefully he will see this sooner than later and take action to stand up for himself.

I am thinking that he won't see this, as long as it is your point of contention. He would have to agree with you.

Well, we decided to pay the bill this month. ONLY this month. This is it. We've told him this ends the financial help. No more buying weeks worth of groceries. No bills. He has until the next bill comes to figure this out.

I think this is a good thing for all of you.
It is something that you will have to work hard at enforcing. It will most likely not be easy, but I think it is really important that you stick to your word.

JMO, but maybe the less you mention his moocher friends, the MORE, he has to think about what is happening, and do something about it.
We have a way of taking on the worries for our kids, then they push that to the side because we are doing all of the fretting for them. It seems to me when you mention the mooching, his response is an irritated "I know, I know." Is the irritation towards his friends, or towards you for talking with him about it?
Has he given this over to you to worry about?

This is his life, his choices.

Give the worry back to him so he can decide for himself what to do.

Hard to do.

I'm exhausted.

Me, too Lil, but I am also tired of being exhausted......It is a rough journey we are all on. Got to do what we have to, to process all of this.
We are both at different points on this journey.
It is hard to know the kids are struggling and let the chips lie where they may.
Really, really hard.

As I read your posts and hear the ring of frustration in them, I am thinking of my own journey with my two, and what I have to work on for myself.

It seems a never ending saga, with chapter after chapter. In the long run, I am trying to learn to live my life without being so darned attached emotionally to what is happening to my adult kids.
How to live and let live?
Still love deeply, without going down that old rabbit hole?

Hang in there Lil, your son is learning.........

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Lil]

Last night was weird. He didn't go to work AGAIN. This time he called and asked me if I'd take him to the ER. He'd decided he should see a doctor after all about the car wreck and his pain afterwards. So frustrating! But I took him...he'll get the bill. We have good insurance so it'll only be $100. Diagnosis: Whiplash, but not severe enough to have an c-collar or anything, and rash from the air-bag. He got ibuprofen and a muscle relaxer. Exactly as I thought they'd do.

As an aside, he showed me photos of the car. He was VERY lucky. Car he was in hit by pickup where he was sitting and the pickup was probably totaled! Very lucky.

He is learning that the "stoners" he chooses for friends aren't really friends he can count on to follow through.

JMO, but maybe the less you mention his moocher friends, the MORE, he has to think about what is happening, and do something about it.

We spent a couple hours together. Yeah, talking about the freeloaders is ticking him off. I'm done. He knows they need to get jobs. He's told them so, but somewhat surprisingly, instead of stoner friend, he gave his GIRLFRIEND the ultimatum! "Have a job by March 31st or we're through!" Not very gallant of him...he's usually much nicer where women are concerned. Of course, if she isn't his girlfriend anymore, she won't stay...and that's fine with him. There appears to be more going on there than work issues; she's not happy, finds something new everyday to be miserable about, they fight a lot, etc., etc. Apparently he then told the friend that, "If she goes instead of getting a job, you have to step up and find work." or words to that effect! Weird...but I think that this has been coming a while. She's "taken a break" from him before and after a couple days they're "together" again...without ever having ceased cohabitation...but he was upset before. This time he made noises like, "She picked the wrong time to make me mad, it's almost short-shorts season." (as a couple of girls walked by us at the store). Yeah...he's ready to move on.

Told him I'd done the math, and if he's careful (and actually goes to work!) he has enough to pay the bills. Maybe he has to quit smoking and he won't have money for recreation, but he can pay the rent and electric. He needs to look for a full-time job, or a second part-time, but it's not impossible for him to pay his own way.

We shall see.

 

[Childofmine]

This is great! Sounds like he's moved on already and the rent is going to be the issue he raises (easier than going the emotional route).

She isn't a long-term deal anyway...I was SO glad when Difficult Child got rid of chickie-boom. She was nothing but trouble and since he was also nothing but trouble...together they were a disaster.

He is making progress Lil! Don't lose sight of that! It's just not pretty...

been there done that with the thinking about smoking...if you can afford $5 a day for cigarettes...well...and with Difficult Child he quit...was using one of those vape things...then he STARTED BACK again on cigarettes. One step forward, two back...whatever. I'm not going to go there with that.

Hugs.

 

[Lil]

girlfriend isn't a bad girl. I think she's got her own issues, but she's basically a nice kid. But she's very young...18 last August. She spent all her money on him when he was homeless, left her dad's house for him (granted, he didn't force her to do anything) and apparently she brings it up a LOT - like HE took her away from her life. Her not working has finally become an issue though. It might be different if she did all the housework, etc., but the place is a sty (which he doesn't really care about, but still) and he said something the other day about him finally doing the dishes after waiting all weekend for her to do them, because she never did. He was complaining last night that she simply won't call on jobs, even when she knows they're hiring, wouldn't walk up town to see about a job when she knew the hiring manager was free and they are hiring, because it was sprinkling...etc.

But mostly, I think that her rush to run off with him was filled with romantic 18 year old girl notions of this passionate affair, which have dimmed in the light of real life.

 

[Lil]

Aaaand...she's gone.

That didn't take long. Her father came and got her today. My son seems to care only slightly. He did go out and get very drunk last night based on his text at 5 a.m. and hangover today.

I just hope the friend gets a job now.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh my, another chapter added. Hope the friend comes through. Oh boy.......
Hang in their Lil...
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Aaaand...she's gone.

Good.

Hi is growing up, Lil. Let's see what happens next. He really stepped up. I am glad. What if there had been a baaaaby?

I am remembering how disgusted he was when he was living in the trailer with the mother and the girl and other people--that nobody worked, at junk all day--and no real food in the house.

He has Lil and Jabber values. He must have thought to himself that the girl was on the way to be her mother. And he knows better, wants better for himself.

I am very curious what he does next.

Take care.

 

[pasajes4]

He has Lil and Jabber values.

This is true of all of our children. It's in them just waiting for a chink in their armor to come spilling out. He experienced his chink.

 

[Childofmine]

Just change one thing...and a sea of changes can occur.

This is very good that she is gone, and praying something good happens next, just a small step forward.

 

[Lil]

Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

It is possible that she was instrumental in him cleaning up his act. I mean, he had to work and had to get his own place. He seems to have mostly stopped any serious stoner activity, which may re-emerge with the friend here, if any money starts coming in.

So, we'll see.

 

[Childofmine]

Yes, Lil, looking back on Difficult Child's girlfriend, there was a definite role she played in his life that seemed to help propel him forward to the next step.

I am grateful for that...and still I am glad she is not around anymore.

Isn't it interesting how all things work together for change? It's not the process we EVER could have imagined or preferred, but it is THEIR process to change.

Reinforces the fact that it has to be their path, not ours. The lessons always continue.

Hugs for you today and hope and prayers for him.

 

[Jabberwockey]

He seems to have mostly stopped any serious stoner activity, which may re-emerge with the friend here, if any money starts coming in.

This is the main reason I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. I have my doubts that the friend will get a job and that our son will be able to stay away from the stoner lifestyle. Only time will tell one way or the other though.

 

[Lil]

I'm actually starting to worry about legal problems that may result from him being the one old enough to buy liquor next month. The kids I saw him with yesterday looked awfully young - like fresh out of high school - but I could be wrong...Everyone looks young to me anymore.

But I suppose I'm borrowing trouble, worrying about it before it happens. At least he doesn't have a car to get a DWI in.

 

[RN0441]

Lil

My son will be 21 in August and I worry about him being able to buy alcohol legally too; however on the flip side, he always was able to get it when he wanted it no matter what age. Don't even want to know how.

When I get myself all worked up into a worried frenzy I try to take a step back and remember that this is HIS journey and that I have learned that there is NO WAY this is going to go how I envisioned it should for my son, so I just have to slow down and calm down. Somehow we'll all get through this. We take it so much more to heart than they do.

 

[Jabberwockey]

RN, her concern isn't about our son getting alcohol. Like you said, he gets it anyways. The issue is will he be stupid enough to buy for minors and risk being charged with Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor.

 

[Lil]

Yeah...what Jabber said. I am worried he'll buy for minors and get caught. He's so willing to do things to have "friends". He used to give everyone rides when he had the car, share anything the owned. Now he'll be old enough to legally be the one buying the beer. I can see him hosting parties, just to have "friends".

 

[pasajes4]

I think it is natural to worry about him getting caught up in doing just that. If it would make you feel better about the situation, you could mention the consequences 1 time. Then leave it alone. You will have done your duty as a parent. If it comes to pass, he won't be able to say no one told him. Too much harping on things and it might push him into a " I'll show them" rebellion. Just a thought.