Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son is still at the physical rehab center. He is making slow but steady progress. He becomes very frustrated and angry when he can't do the things he thinks he should be able to do. His recovery is not going as fast as he thinks it should. He is not very pleasant to be around right now. I speak to him briefly on the phone about twice a week. I do not travel to see him. It's a long drive to make just to be treated to his verbal tirades. I understand being frustrated and angry because he himself is to blame for being in this condition. I am not willing to put up with it.
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  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    And all of this is "normal" for anyone recovering from a stroke.
    It's a long hard road.
    But nice to hear that he is making good progress.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Thank you, pasa. He is young and strong. We are praying for him, and for you.

    Pasa? It was good to hear from you.

  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree with InsaneCdn...the frustration is so normal in anyone who has to basically relearn. It's a long road and I think that being evil-tempered is part of it. But, you're completely right Pasa - you don't have to put up with it and shouldn't. So keep doing what you're doing. Keep in touch and he'll know you're pulling for him when he's in his right mind.
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You know, I have permitted myself to be the whipping boy of others way to many times in my life.

    For many of us, PASA, it is gratifying that you are drawing the line. You know I am still dealing with the aftermath of my mother's death over 2 years ago. My recovery has been difficult both because I am not sure what was behind my decision to dedicate myself and sacrifice myself in the end to her care: whether it was one hundred percent love and responsibility, or because I had been trained to sacrifice myself as my role, and knew no other way to be.

    I would not have made another choice: Not because I am a good person, but because I did not know how at that time.

    I wonder if I would have chosen differently now, or still the same?

    I am glad you are letting your son be responsible for his own choices, and for his own reactions to his situation. In this way he has the opportunity to grow and change. It seems clear to me that it is the right course. I know not if I would have either the strength or the character to do the same.

    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Copa, It helps that he is over 150 miles from here. I have been sucked into his pity parties far to many times. I understand that he is frustrated. There is NO excuse for abuse....physical or verbal and it should not matter one rat's :censored2: who is behind it.
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  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    oops I got my first censor.....my apologies
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Pasa, I am glad to hear that your boy is making progress. It will be slow and frustrating for him, for sure, but no excuse to be verbally abusive.
    He will have to learn to turn that frustration around to determination.
    I think you only help him further, by not standing for it, but also understanding it may also be a result of his brain injury.

    When Dad had his stroke, he was not himself for quite some time. He had to be restrained in the hospital from pulling out his iv's. He was very angry with my sister, remembering her when she was rebellious at 15, and treating her thusly. It didn't help that the nurse who cared for him and put him in the restraints had the same name. As Dad would go off into a tirade about "She this and she that" he was ranting about both my sister and the nurse.....it was a confusing time for all of us.
    He would concoct all kinds of methods of escaping the hospital, and only try to conspire with sis about this. "See that laundry bin over there? Bring it over and I'll roll into it and you can get me the heck out of here..." She had a difficult time visiting, as this was his theme always with her. "Get me out of here." She had to realize, it was the stroke talking.
    Dad went through rehab and regained more of his reasoning skills, along with working at his physical therapy. It was a hard road, but he did it, and eventually worked the frustration into determination.

    Mom would not stand for him to be verbally abusive, and she was right to "reteach" him this.

    Keep up your good attitude Pasa, I so admire your strength and tenacity.

    Prayers going up here, for both you and your son.

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  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Pasa, thank you for the update. I'm glad for so many things in your post, that he is recovering, that he is 150 miles away, that he is normal in his response to having to recover from a stroke (my 83 year old mother acted the same way---mad!).

    I hope YOU are okay. Warm hugs for you!
  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Pasa. I am so glad that he is making progress. I think it would be very hard to be patient at his age while dealing with all of this. I think it is good for you AND for him that you have set that expectation of civil behavior while he recovers. I think he will be surprised to discover his own strength.
  11. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    My daughter was in a rehab for months, and I stopped my life and literally relocated to be by her side every single day. There were times she was horrid, abusive, angry. Like your son, it was her own doing that put her there and she was lucky to even be alive. She did not see it that way. I persevered. I stayed. I walked out and walked away when she blew up, after a few times of taking it and trying to reason with her. She did amazing things and left completely surpassing every doctor's expectation of her.

    She has so much farther to go, and she refuses. That makes it so hard to even talk to her, be around her, when I think of all that was sacrificed for her just to have her decide she is not only done moving forward, but in some aspects, regressing. To have her not learn one thing from the entire experience. To have her not only treat me just as badly as before, but sometimes worse.

    I don't regret all it cost - physically, emotionally, financially - to do those things and be with her while she healed. I did it for ME. I was there at her lowest, her most helpless, her most vulnerable. She can never deny that. That said, I would not do it again should she ever find herself in a similar situation.

    We have to do what WE can live with, what WE can handle, because we have already been through so much with our children. I am glad he is progressing, Pasa. And I am glad you are doing what you need to do for yourself, knowing your own limits and setting your boundaries. When we can do those things, we progress, too.
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