Very sensitive issue

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jisduit, Jul 17, 2008.

  1. jisduit

    jisduit New Member

    The old timers know I used to post alot about my difficult child - he has grown up - now 23

    he is living with my mom - because he cant stay in my house

    my 16 easy child saw some writting that difficult child wrote concerning children - little girls - and then another one about "daughter - tell me when you are ready". The writtings were very explicit.:sick:

    I am so dam shocked - I also have a 2 year old - that from here on out I will not let her be around him.

    I was abusd sexually as a child - I am not gonna let my little girl go thru that.

    HOW DO I APPROACH MY difficult child ??
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My first question would you think he is serious about acting on what he has written? There are people who write things but have absolutely no intention of ever doing these things...its only a fantasy. If that is the case, there really isnt anything to fear.

    If he is intending to act...then its a whole different ball of wax.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would ask him flat out. This is too serious to leave alone. You don't really want him sexually acting out on children. I know he's your kid and it breaks your heart, but other kids have a right to be safe. I am thinking that just having fantasies about little girls is dangerous...please don't ignore it. (((Hugs))) You are brave to bring that to us.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Does he have a history of being sexually abused himself? Most people that have these kinds of fantasies are abused themselves.
    Will he get help? If not, you have to research his behavior more, and find out if he possibly could be endangering anyone.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    All good advice, even though it seems to be conflicting at times. What a really difficult position to be in. What kind of contact are you having with him? Of course you have to protect your easy child son from the ugliness of this, and he has to be sure that you will protect your daughter, regardless of who you are protecting her from.

    I hope you will find the right thing to do. I know that you will protect your daughter from harm. I really don't know what the "right" thing is to do. I suspect that whatever your difficult child says, you probably don't or won't trust him. I think that would be reasonable. This is really an awful thing for your family to go through.
  6. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Direct. Period.

    This is not something to sway about. You just simply ask him with no 'penalties' involved, but help if he needs it.

  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree with the others. You need to be direct. You've got to know.

    People often write about things that have nothing to do with them personally, that's true. And it can be pure fantacy. But fantacy often develops into a need to be acted on eventually. I'm worried that it's so explicit.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I guess I thought I was an old-timer, but maybe I'm not. What name did you used to post under? Your story seems vaguely familiar, but it's been too long, I think. I can't place it.
  9. Belzog

    Belzog New Member

    Thinking is not doing. Writing is not doing. Sounds pretty disturbing, and I wouldn't be about to ask him to babysit if I were you either, but maybe the best thing to do is confront him directly. Say, "I've found this writing and it's upset me." etc. Do you have any counseling in place? I've found counseling sessions wonderfully structured venues to express my feelings/concerns.

    I've found suicide notes on more than one occassion. Not fun, but he's still alive. Whatever you do, don't not do anything, but maybe don't do anything rash? I have found that it takes me longer to process things than others would like. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to?
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If you are going to ask him, do it directly. Don't tiptoe around the issue. Ask him not to leave writings like these where anyone else can get to them.

    Do. Not. Leave. Your. Children. Alone. With. difficult child. Period.

    Make sure your mother knows about these writings. As he is living with her, she needs to know. She also needs to know that the other grandkids can't come over while he lives there. Not that you should pressure her to kick him out, just that they can't be there.

    IF he asks for therapy, help him find it but HE is old enough to shoulder the cost. Or get a job with benefits to pay for the therapy.

    Hugs, I know this is scary.
  11. jisduit

    jisduit New Member

    Thanks everyone - I have still not approached him. My 16 year old easy child did open up to me about his brother "messing with" him when he was about 8/9 - so its not just writting. I asked him why he didnt tell me then - he said thats just not something you talk to mom about. My easy child and I talk about alot of things and very open - I was surprised. I have talked to my mom - shes very upset - such a long history with the difficult child. This isnt the first time this issue has come up before - he used my comp alot to look at child porn - it was sick - and he didnt deny it.

    For those that have been around - I think my old post name was jmp2365 or jessie - not really sure.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    At least easy child was honest with you now. And that is important.

    I'm so very sorry. I know how painful it is. But armed with the truth you'll be able to protect potential victims from difficult child, and hopefully get him the help he needs.

    Sending many warm ((((hugs)))) your way.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry easy child wasn't open with you then, but that is NOT uncommon (personal experience - the perp tells you that you won't be believed). It is important NOW to get easy child some help dealing with this. No matter what he says or thinks, it WILL have a big effect on his life.

    It is time to either cut difficult child out of your life or report him (and cut him out of your life). This is important for ALL your kids. If you keep contact with him after you learn he molested your easy child years ago, it sends the message to easy child that easy child doesn't matter. I know.

    My mother in law works with "lifers" - prisoners in max security who will NOT ever be released. She works with a program called reality therapy or choice therapy. These lifers learn to counsel other inmates - so that the other inmates can go and have productive lives outside prison. they take murderers, armed robbers, all the big-time criminals in this program.

    They do NOT take anyone with sexual abuse crimes. Why? because those who perp sex abuse have less than 5% chance that they WILL actually turn their lives around. They go out and perp again and again, esp those who perp against kids. This % is probably high, almost ALL sex crime perps go out and do it over and over again.

    this is why YOU need to take action to protect ALL your kids, no matter their ages.

    I am sorry.
  14. MyFriendKita

    MyFriendKita Member

    Well, you know what they say about statistics. According the the Department of Justice, the opposite is true (scroll down to the third myth):

    Your situation is serious, but I don't think it's hopeless.
  15. Belzog

    Belzog New Member

    So what do you do now? That's really a sad situation that your eldest acting on this in the past. Is there any counseling available for you, "easy child 1" and your eldest?

    What about legal recourse? I like to have everything nice and on the books, maybe there is a statute of limitations that prevents the issue from being heard in court, maybe it is too... personal and difficult for easy child 1 to testify?

    So I guess you need to clarify your goals and alternative options. At the very least, do you have a therapist to talk to? What is your main goal and how can you best achieve it? If it is to keep your younger kids away from unsupervised time with the eldest, you can come up with a game plan. Etc. right? For me, proactivity is my no. 1 weapon and shield.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We adopted an 11 year old boy, who perped on my younger two (also adopted) for three years. As soon as we found out, he was gone and then he was prosecuted in court for "sexually assaulting a minor." We never thought to initiate actual charges against a 13 year old, but the county did it. My little guys got to see justice done, which is why I think both are doing so well today. They also had tons of therapy. Victims rarely talk about what happened--they tend to feel ashamed--and it DOES affect their lives greatly if it isn't dealt with aggressively. in my opinion you need to stick up to easy child in a major way. I wouldn't let difficult child in the house again for any reason. And I was also told by our 11 years old (13 at the time that he was caught) abuse officer (who had been in the business for 15 years) that they are always a threat, especially those who are serial offenders, and you don't know how bad it was or how many difficult child perped on. This is somebody who writing about "little kid" fantasies. Assume he not only did stuff to your easy child, but to other children. Unfortunately, kids are not forthcoming about abuse and perps lie about it. (((Hugs))) good luck. I know first hand how hard it is. But don't minimize the possibilities, for everyone's sake.
  17. jisduit

    jisduit New Member

    "It is time to either cut difficult child out of your life or report him (and cut him out of your life). This is important for ALL your kids. If you keep contact with him after you learn he molested your easy child years ago, it sends the message to easy child that easy child doesn't matter. I know."

    Suz - wow - yes my easy child and I are talking alot he knows I fully support him - he doesnt want any "charges" against his brother - he just wants him to GO AWAY and he is a little concerned about what his sissy may have gone thru. I have not spoken to difficult child since easy child told me - but easy child wants to confront difficult child - I think that will help easy child - he knows he has my full support and the support of lots of friends - and his grandme.

    I emailed difficult child's old foster mom - we get along great - she is kind of like a mom to me - after all these years we still remain in contact. See I cant ask my moms advice - she is 86 and suffers with dementia. And I have this awesome web site with people that are willing to share and give suggestions - THANK YOU EVERYONE !!!!!!!!
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I am really sorry you have to endure this in any way.

    I think that while you have been given some great advice - this is something that needs monitoring for your other kids' sake and for other kids' sake.

    I would spend a few dollars and talk to a professional counselor that deals with this disease and get professional advice.

    My son was "traded"...and it's been a 13 years long battle to help him. My first inclination towards the perp was to kill him, and if he bothers us - well...emotions talking. But lets say he won't be riding the bus - he'll be under it.

    Seek a pro.....this is huge.

  19. jisduit

    jisduit New Member

    Well my easy child is confronting his brother (the difficult child) tonight. He doesnt want me there - says "mom this is somthing I have to deal with on my own". A part of me wants to be there - but I have to trust my easy child's feelings and allow him to deal with the issue as he sees fit. We have talked ALOT and he knows I fully support him - easy child and I are together on this. Just have to wait for his call - until then its STRESS TIME
  20. jisduit

    jisduit New Member

    updated my signature - just wanted to see if I got it right -