Visit with son on Friday

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by seekinghope, Jul 13, 2008.

  1. seekinghope

    seekinghope New Member

    My son is still in the phospital. Today is a month. Still off all medications. Waiting for Hope House in Albany to respond; they had a phone interview with him on Fri.
    His dr. needs to fax over info. and will due so on Mon. They say my son is a candidate. This is a smaller facility; 14 beds.
    Well I went to visit him on Fri. to bring a book; he's reading again, and right away I have suspicions somethings wrong. When I get into see him he is on a one-to-one; meaning, he does not go anywhere without a personal guard. Apparently, one of the other boys there; there are only 10, was planning to hurt one of the staff. Because of the large #of staff and the small # of kids they can be watched closely. Experience alarmed the staff, they checked the boy's room and found a homemade (shunt) spelling?The reason my son is in trouble is because this kid told three other boys; my son included, that he was planning to hurt staff and they should have told someone.
    A psychiatric hospital is no place to be for a month. Kids are exposed to a lot of "bad" things. This kid was sent there because he told his dad that he was going to kill a kid and his dad believed him.
    My son was raised very rural, driven to school, picked up from school etc. has little exposer to the world.But he is not stable enough to come home and wait.
    I asked him why he would choose not to tell. He says "he is not a rat" So I Ask him why he would chooses loyalty to a person he has only known for a little over 2 weeks and not to the staff. Standard answer "I don't know".
    I know he is afraid, if he does not buddy-up with these kids he feels he is in danger. On the other hand this child of mine has changed sooo much in the past 8 months I have no idea where the truth lies. Somewhere in the middle I guess........
    Thanks for listening,
    I am
  2. neednewtechnique

    neednewtechnique New Member

    I think that anytime we ask our difficult child's a question that makes them uncomfortable or requires them to open up, no matter HOW SIMPLE it is, ESPECIALLY if they know and feel that they did something wrong, it is easiest for them to respond to "why" with "i don't know". This is the ONE THING THAT SINGLE-HANDEDLY DRIVES ME THE MOST CRAZY!!!

    I am sure that this visit with your son was difficult, until this week I would not have been able to identify with your situation, but being that my daughter was admitted to the psychiatric hospital last Wednesday for the first time, I am starting to understand. I am assuming this place you are waiting to hear from is a Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? And that they are trying to transfer him straight from the psychiatric hospital. This is tough, I cannot imagine how difficult an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would be, especially since it is killing me to leave her in the psychiatric hospital.

    I hope that things work out quickly and that you can get him out of that place as soon as possible :) Hopefully the new facility he is transferring to will be a nice place for him!
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    What strikes me most is that it sounds like your son is in a facility that is well staffed by folks who paid attention to their training. Kudos to them for staying on top of things. This is hugely reassuring to me because it means your boy is safe. Not all facilities are as on top of things.

    It's *really* hard to watch our kids be exposed to things they wouldn't have been had they been able to stay at home. When he was 6, after one hospitalization he told me he realized he was lucky because husband and I do don't crack! Broke my heart that other kids were having to live in that situation *and* that my son was having to learn about the more unhappy sides of life.

    Unfortunately, it is what it is. thank you has seen awful lot of not so great stuff in his various placements. I do have to say that in general, I honestly don't think his peers' behaviors have influenced him a whole lot (aside from smoking and pot - but compared to the other stuff... well, it could be worse). I also have not ever had the sense that he ever lived in fear. He's had peers who were more aggressive than him but he seems to have an innate sense of who to not provoke - which I actually think is a great thing because for a while there, when he was very young, husband and I worried that he didn't have then sense not to "poke the bear" and would one day get hurt badly for messing with the wrong kid.

    It is not what we want for our kids. We want to be able to protect them. I think it's a given when you have to place a child in the hospital or in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), they *will* be exposed to some dark stuff. I think it's important to listen and support, and anytime thank you's ever hinted that he didn't feel safe, I was on the phone to staff in heartbeat. thank you's perception was usually the problem, rather than an actual danger, but part of treatment is working on his perception too.

    A gentle hug to you. I'm so very sorry that your family is going thru this. I hope the placement comes through quickly and he is able to start working on a return home soon.
  4. seekinghope

    seekinghope New Member

    Thanks for the replies.
    I go to see him tomorrow, today he was taken off the one-on-one.
    A calender month has gone by, thats the thing about living this way, it consumes everything. Your privacy, your friendships, plans, family relationships, all touched by the fact this one child's dynamics has so absorbed everything in his path that if your not careful and on top of it,your life can just slip away. He has become my black hole and no matter what amount of love and attention I give him it will never be enough.
    But I miss him terribly, we did have a lot of great times together and I am afraid, afraid that I"ll become so complacent about his absentees?
    Right now I am wondering if anything will ever be right again.........
    I am,
  5. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I haven't had to walk in your shoes with a placement yet, so no advice just concern for your hurting mommy heart.
  6. Seekinghope, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you are feeling, my son has had several inpatient hospitalizations in less than 9 months, the longest being in one facility 3 weeks, not being well enough to go home but our insurance ran out - he was home for 2 days while I got him into another where he was for 4 weeks. Currently my son is in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) since 7/1/08 and expected to be there 3-6months. My schedule totally goes by what is going on with him - when I have to be there for counseling, when is treatment team, when am I visiting, and the list goes on. I try to visit my son every other day, fortunately for me (and him) the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is only about 10 minutes from our home and about 25 minutes from my work, so it is feasible to visit this frequently. I have to admit, I enjoy the less chaos at home without him, but I don't think I could ever be "complacent" about his absence from home. I miss him every day. When my daughter and I are doing something I always think he is missing out. I know though that placing him in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is the best thing for him, without it, I truly believe we would have just continued on the roller coaster that was this last year.

    You have to know you are doing the right thing for your son, that he needs the help. I too feel the black hole thing.

    Hugs to you,

  7. seekinghope

    seekinghope New Member

    Thank you for all for the help!
    Christy Why was your insurance willing to pay for another facility yet not for the one he was originally in????
    My son's current psychiatrist. is currently working with our insurance company.
    His Dr. does not want him in any Residential Treatment Center (RTC) close by because he does not want him to be able to develop any a relationships where when he is released he can make contact with the that person.
    In my son's case this makes sense to me.
    I go see him today; he wants another book, he is reading like crazy.
    I am trying to "wean" myself back into a relationship with him. I will start to go more often but only stay for short periods an hour or so.
    His last stay, I stayed for hours many days during the week. This time he is going to have to learn to stand on his own two feet. He got himself in and he has to do the work to get himself out.
    I try to reinforce this statement" that this is treatment not punishment"
    We love him and want him but he has to get well to come home.
    Does anyone know where to look to find reviews on Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s ?
    Again thank you for everyones support, it has been helping.

  8. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I am not sure what others have experienced but I know when my son was violent and unstable and we placed him in psychiatric hospital, they had to plead the case every 2-3 days with the insurance company to allow him to stay. He was there for 15 days, when he made it two days without a violent incident they sent him home. That day, he kick and hit me and ran away from me in a parking lot so he wasn't exactly as stable. I guess what i am trying to say is that although it has been a long time in psychiatric hospital for your son, it is a good that he is being monitored and that they have time to see how any medication changes are affecting him. I know how hard it can be though, even knowing he is getting help, husband and I were a mess when my son went in to psychiatric hospital, constant worry, guilt, frustration, gettin our hopes up and having them crushed again. My heart goes out to you and your family and I wish you the best as you go throgh this difficult time.

  9. My insurance company isn't paying for the new facility. The new facility is a state facility and in order to get difficult child in we had to have run out our insurance and have no insurance or already be on Medicaid. They then submit to Medicaid for him for institutional care. I also had to provide a letter of denial from my insurance company proving that there was no coverage. Even if I hadn't used any of his coverage my insurance only covers 30 days of inpatient so they wouldn't have covered the Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    As far as being close to home. There really isn't much choice, the state facility that difficult child is in is the ONLY state facility in the whole state. If there was private pay or private insurance then people go to Reno, Salt Lake, or Texas or Arizona.

  10. seekinghope

    seekinghope New Member

    Thanks for the post!!!!
    I just came back from a visit with my son and pdr. at the phosptial.
    He has been accepted to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), good news, bad news it is because someone ran away.
    So now my son knows you can run.
    If they catch her they will take her back if the police allows; there maybe charges, the dr. didn't know.
    My son is looking forward to leaving.
    On the Dr..'s end the insurance comp. isn't sure is he qualifies on the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s end they say that the insurance is OK. So who knows????
    Right know the insurance for the phospital is open ended.
    What we have to learn.............
    My son was in a good mood for the entire visit, if I could just hold on to that.
    I am cautiously optimistic because I have no real way of knowing what is really going on inside his head. Time will tell for now he's safe.