waiting for the ball to drop!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Dec 5, 2007.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I had to change my topic again. Now i am waiting for the ball to drop or the bottom to fall out one or the other! It seems it always happens that way. I havent contacted the judge on my sons docket nor do I know when his court date is. I find I am dreading it. I find I dread having to wonder what to do with him or what to tell him to do if and when he gets out. I know I just need to take it one day at a time - not worry about tomorrow or yesterday but sometimes I just get into panic mode. Sometimes it all seems so surreal. My sister said to me it must be hard having a child in jail and I said yes but the other side of the coin is something I could not stand right now. My easy child son is doing an oratory in one of his classes. It is all about difficult child and his effect on our family. It is amazing and brings out the feelings he has had. I am proud of him for doing it. Maybe it will reach some high schooler. I miss my mother also. She died about 2 years ago from cancer. It seems all this comes flooding back from time to time. My difficult child was her favorite. He was in prison when she died. He had a hard time with that. Anyway, my post is waiting and hoping for the best but preparing for the worse. Sometimes I worry about how I will handle the worse. I havae been through it over and over and I am getting weary and not any younger! :sushi: I love sushi!!!!!
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It's reasonable to worry about what will happen. The idea of him having to go to prison is painful. The thought of him being released is untenable. There's not much you can do if he is in prison. The choice is out of your hands. However, if he is released, you do have to make some plans. Of course, a lot would depend on what the court orders -- rehab, halfway house, house arrest .... Again, if he is ordered to rehab or halfway house, you won't have much to say. If he is simply given probation or house arrest, you have to make some hard decisoins. Will you let him come back home (I hope not!)? Will you help him get set up in an apartment or whatever? So, you do have some things you need to think about and come up with workable plans.

    It sounds like your youngest is a remarkable young man. It takes courage to speak to your peers about things happening on a personal level, especially things so painful. Do give him an extra hug for all of us.

    As to your mother's death, I'm sorry. My father died when I was in my teens. There are still times when his death feels as if it was last week and the pain then is palpable. It gets better, but there will always be times you will miss your mother. Your son being in jail has to open those wounds yet again. HUGS

    Good luck! You're doing a good job of coping. Go out tonight and have some sushi. ENJOY LIFE!!!!
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about waiting for the ball to drop. I get all these letters in the mail...or should I say Cory gets them...from the public defender about his charges and I just shake my head. I try not to place his burdens on my shoulders. It is his place to worry about the outcomes of the trials not mine. I just sit back and wish he hadnt done these things but will be here when this all shakes out in the end.

    If they have to take their lumps...they take them. We cant take them for them.
  4. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    True! Thanks. Sometimes I feel like The Lone Ranger. Why and how did it get to this? I feel like I should be calling the guy who visited him from Trion Ministries and see if he found anything out. When I am not in contact with these people I feel out of the loop of anything - maybe I am not doing something I should be doing - I always feel that there is something I should be doing no matter how small it is! I fear him coming out of there. When the judge released him once to us on house arrest we said no. That is when they shipped him "down the road" for 11 months. If looks could have killed that day I would be dead now. My difficult child gave me a look that could kill - even the PO said that. I couldnt go back and have him home driving me crazy about where he could go - going to work and having all his friends over here - having him constantly under my feet complaining - then he would have taken the bracelet off and gone somewhere I know. Today I found out that a young man had been shot in the head in the little suburb where we used to live. He was 21. It sounds drug related. So sad. I thought maybe God is sending me a message that he is better off where he is now.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    The message that God is sending you is:


    You DON'T need to worry yourself silly all the time about it. That's pretty much what we have been trying to tell you. You are obsessing over him. When you truly detach, when you truly LET GO and let God, when you truly take a back seat and let God take the wheel, you will be able to go through your day and not go nuts wondering "what if". Do you get what a waste of time that is? Things are going to happen no matter whether you worry about them or not. You are burning up good brain cells wondering what is going on.

    Step your pretty self OUT OF THAT LOOP and INTO A LIFE. Go get a makeover and a pedicure. Buy a Women's Day magazine and try a new cookie recipe. Do SOMETHING!

    He is fine. HE will continue to be fine whether you worry about him or not. Stop worrying.

    Not saying to stop loving your son. Just stop obsessing. You have an important life to live too. Now go live it. You've come so far; don't stop now.

  6. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    You are right! I got a letter from him today. He wrote a letter to his lawyer saying he wanted rehab. He asked me to mail it because he only had one envelope. He also asked me to call the guy that came to see him at the jail about rehab. It all makes me sooooooooo anxious. I feel like I dont want to let something fall through the cracks that I can help. I know I dont really want him coming home if he has to wait for rehab - that is jumping the gun I know but I dont think I could stand house arrest or anything like that because I dont know what he would do - if we were at work he could still have his friends over - I am not sure jail has changed him that much! He may not have to wait for rehab - he may be going to something that is completely out of my control - I have to look at the possiblity also - that is what I hope does not happen but could. I feel helpless and fear that possibility. But like you said, I am wasting my brain cells. Thanks for emailing. It helps. :smile:
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I have a question. I got a letter from my difficult child yesterday - he enclosed a letter to Whom It May Concern saying he wanted to go to rehab. should I send the letter to his public defender or the judge that was on his docket? He said he didnt have but one envelope and would I send it to the correct person - what should I do? :gingerbread:
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'd call his attorney and ask where is the best place to send this. Otherwise, I'd send the original to his PD, cc the judge and maybe the minister or any other rehab you think might be appropriate.
  9. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    Make copies. Send the original to the person who requested that he write the letter, and the copies to wherever else you think they should go. Retain other copies in case you need them.

    That way, all the bases are covered.


  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks - good idea. I will make copies and send them to those people. I dont know if it will do any good or not but it is worth a shot at this stage of the game. I havent been to see him anymore - have written him. I cant bring myself to go up to the jail as much - at first I felt very guilty but not so much anymore - it stresses me out so much after wards that I cant stand it. Trying to carry on with life as it should be. thanks again! :smile:
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Am I doing enough? I got his letter and copied it and am forwarding it to the PO, PD and the Judge. I dont know if I am supposed to secure him a place somewhere or what? I feel like I am in the dark - I feel that I am just sitting here waiting and should be doing something - am I just crazy or what?
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You did just fine. What did you do for yourself today? I'm thinking of getting eyeliner tattooed on for Christmas...
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I think that is a good idea!!! That made me laugh. thanks When you get it tattooed on let me know! I need it too. :santa:
  14. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member


    Witz is right!

    Once we have done what we can know to do, our job is to let it go. Concentrate on creating yourself, stronger and more able than in the past, by thinking in this new way.

    How does that old saying go?

    "Grasp the vine. Cup your hands and...drink."


  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Waiting for the Ball to Drop (for Stands with Courage by Star)

    I'm waiting for your ball to drop
    So I can kick it away

    I'm here if you need a listen
    Should your world just fall today

    I'm holding on to the end of your rope
    Looks like you'll need a knot

    I'm happy just to be your friend
    On days when you feel you're not

    And when your roof comes crashing in
    I'll hold up as much as I can
    Because I now consider you
    Part of the family and a friend

    Many Hugs

  16. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Stands you did just great! Don't worry about finding him a place in rehab. The people you sent the letters to will deal with that. There's probably a formal arrangement with several places for people in jail. Judge & PO will know what to do.

    If you feel like you want to do more for your son, contact the jail and ask if you can send him more envelopes! Some jails will let you, with certain instructions. My nephew had to have envelopes with pre-printed postage, no stamps allowed. So if you want, check it out. Then HE can send his own letters out.

    Just an idea!

  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks everyone! I really like the poem by Star! Maybe you could write a poetry book for therapy! I am just hanging in here. Most of my day is taken up with a lot of other things but at night I sit and think if I have done all I should for the sake of my son. Then I get a peace when I read the posts that tell me I have. thanks for the peace :christmasgift:
  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I find mys elf missing my difficult child today. I want to cry and have a pity party. I feel so helpless over the situation. I feel like I need to go see him but am afraid to. I will go see him over the holidays if he is still there. A man called me from a rehab today. It seems I had emailed them but I had forgotten. what a good time to call? Maybe it was a God thing. Ichoose to believe it was. Help me not to feel so bad about things. It is sad and different.
  19. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    :its_all_good: You have every right to feel sad, and to miss your difficult child. Completely normal mom-stuff! I've found thru my recovery, with any feelings I'm having, if I am able to 'give myself permission' to feel it, that helps a lot. I try not to fight my feelings, but just to accept them and get thru them.

    I am sorry you are hurting, but I believe that's also a part of healing. I need to go thru the pain before I can begin to feel relief. it's okay to cry, Susan. Another thing I do is, silly as it might sound, I check my watch! I say, okay, I'm going to have a good cry for a half-hour. Almost always, I'm not crying anymore by the time 30 minutes have gone by.

    Let yourself feel. I hope things are better this morning!

  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Ok I did and it felt good. Everything seems tohit me once I am still. With teaching kindergarten and working part time at a cooking store on the weekends - when I am still I think!! Maybe I am running from my feelings. I know I need to go see my son again at the jail. My husband said he would go with me and see himi. I can hardly wait. I am still anxious about any court date. I have done everything I know to do from here. Sending hugs also. :flower: