walking on eggshells

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by wantpeace, Feb 19, 2012.

  1. wantpeace

    wantpeace New Member

    This is my first post. I really need advice about my 17 year old son. He grew up as a polite, easy-going and highly intelligent child. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be going through this nightmare. He went through an intensive outpatient program last year when he tested positive for THC and I found evidence of huffing. He was very involved during sessions there and continuously tested negative for drugs. This year he began taking excessive amounts of cold medications and smoking marijuana. He was arrested for possession of marijuana (1/2 a gram). I did not bail him out, and he was released on a signature bond the following day. Within a week we was arrested again for drug para. He had given a classmate who had smoked weed a ride to school. The boy was reported for being high and told the principal that he had gotten a ride from my son, so they searched his vehicle. The found a bong, so he was arrested for breaking the bond agreement. Once again, I did not bail him out. He stayed in jail for a week. After his court appearance, I posted bail. He is basically on house arrest except for attending school and gets a ride to and from school with a responsible adult. When he was first released, he showed remorse and we had long, meaningful talks. He said he learned a lot in jail and that I shouldn't have bailed him out because he was doing fine. I think he felt safe there away from the triggers at home and school. He stated that he wanted to attend treatment. When I spoke to the lawyer, he said that they might hold that against him since it would be admitting he has a problem (crazy right?), so he should hold off on the treatment until the next court date, which is over a month away. As of Friday, I am dealing with a totally different son. He is raging, calling his brother and me names and then isolating himself in the basement. I'm not allowing his friends to come to the house to see him because I'm pretty sure they are using. My ex-husband is an alcoholic and suffers from major depression & possibly bipolar disorder. I filed for divorced after he became abusive. He is of no help emotionally or financially, and has disappeared from my kids' lives.

    I know that my son is depressed, but I can't have him behave this way under my roof. I am afraid that he will break his bond again, and get into more legal trouble. I cannot afford to lose the bond that I posted (it was quite high because the judge was upset that he was back in jail after less than a week). Should I revoke the bond or insist on treatment even if it hurts his case? He has never acted like this before, so I don't know if it's withdrawls, depression or what.

    Any advice is appreciated.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Gosh I don't know where you live but I have never heard of getting treatment and admitting you have a problem being held against you in court. That is nutty and I question that advice. Again I do know things vary from place to place. My sense is the most important thing is he get treatment and it doesn't sound like waiting a month is a good idea at all.... do you think your son would still be willing to go? It does sound like he is using something? Is he using at school? Do you have all OTC medications and household products he coudl huff locked up?

    Hugs..... many of us totally understand the nightmare you are living and are living it too.

  3. wantpeace

    wantpeace New Member

    He isn't leaving campus and I've been in close contact with his teacher (has same teacher because it's a charter), so he wouldn't have an opportunity to use there. I keep medications locked up at the house. The only time he ever raged before was when he was huffing. I don't think there's anything in the house he could get into, but you never know for sure. I do believe he uses to self medicate for depression, but it's hard to diagnose depression when people are under the influence of drugs.

    I'm going to talk to him about inpatient treatment again. I will call the lawyer again too. I don't think he has a clue about addiction.

    Thank you!
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this alone. That lawyer has no clue, get a new lawyer if you can. In fact courts are very agreeable to the person admitting they have a drug problem and want help. They understand that a very high percentage of crimes committed are due to drug problems. You son was arrested for drugs, what does he think????

    Your son needs help, he is crying out for help with his actions. If he goes to treatment they will either postpone the court date or they will take him to court for his appearance. Most likely the court will go along with the treatment program and dismiss the charges if he successfully completes the program. If you can get him into treatment tomorrow I would do it.

    I am shaking my head at this attorney's advice.

    Last edited: Feb 21, 2012
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi! Welcome to the board--sorry that you had to find us.

    I too think you need to get another lawyer's opinion. I would also talk to some rehab places. I would start rehab now- and deal with the court date in a month. I am sure that rehab facilities have some insight as well. I don't have any experience w the court system (yet) but from my understanding- if he is in rehab - I am sure the court date can be postponed if necessary. Or he can leave rehab for court. Regardless, I wouldn't delay rehab for a month.

    I hope you get some answers soon.
  6. wantpeace

    wantpeace New Member

    I already had him registered for a three week inpatient rehab (followed by 16 weeks of outpatient), but the lawyer advised against it. I actually talked to the DA and he was for it, but told me I had to have the lawyer put it in writing first. What a messed up system! I sent an email to the lawyer stating that I will revoke my bond if he doesn't go to treatment. I'm not even worried about the outcome of the case - just want my son healthy again!
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh boy I don't think I like this lawyer.... what does your son think of him? Unfortunately the lawyer does work for your son and not for you so if your son doesn't want to go to rehab he may not support it. If the DA is open to the idea of rehab that is a really good sign... but the lawyer may feel he can get him off the charge without him needing to agree to rehab.

    So yes keep your focus on getting your son treatment no matter what the court does. That is the most important thing.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have another suggestion. Your son is a minor and so the prosecutor should talk to you as his parent before he appears in front of the judge. If the lawyer will not push for treatment you can do so. And if he doesn't ask to talk to you, request to talk to him before the court appearance. When dealing with minors the attorney should be listening to both the client and parents to find the best solution for the client. We were so fortunate, the attorney we had for our daughter each of the seven times she had to go to court, always listened to us and pushed for what we wanted, knowing the parents know the child best.

  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the CD board!

    I don't have any experience with the legal system so I have no advice in that area. I do agree that your son needs inpatient rehab followed by outpatient treatment.

    It would be helpful if you created a signature to help the rest of us get to know you and remember your story. I have attached a link below to help you get started:


    Here is another helpful link to help you get familiar with the acronyms that we use frequently.


  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    your son is still minor even if the court frowned on his seeking treatment and used it against him if he stays out of trouble you might be able to have his juvie records expunged. Indeed in some states that is automatic. I would go foward with his treatment plan because really that is the most important thing right now. Truly when my son was in a similar position we were advised to get him help that it would look good in court.
  11. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Welcome-and I agree you got bad advise from the lawyer. In the end, what really matters is a healthy kid. He will soon be old enough to refuse help and you may not have the help of court either to force him. My difficult child is 17 and has a long history (since 14) of treatment. She refuses most everything and seldom finishes things she starts noe. There is no longer court involvement, and she thinks she is cured, that using pot is ok. At this age you have little to force them with. Use that bond and get the best service you can. Hopefully they can find some medications. to help with the depression as well. when these kids are unmedicated it just makes things worse.

    As for huffing-heard somewhere (was it here?) that cooking spray could be used. IF IT CAN BE SPRAYED, LOCK IT UP. WE HAVE A LOCK ON A UTILITY CLOSET WHERE ALL medications (OTC AS WELL) AND ALL CHEMICALS ARE LOCKED AWAY.

    Good luck and keep us posted.
  12. wantpeace

    wantpeace New Member

    Unfortunately, 17 is considered an adult in the eyes of the court here. I didn't even get a call from the police when he was arrested and taken to jail. Because he is on house arrest, bond conditions need to be changed in order for him to go to treatment. The lawyer said it could take up to two weeks!! The other option I have is to put it in writing to the judge that I want to revoke my bail. That will not look good for my son and he would have to go back to jail. I talked to him when I got home from work and he started swearing at me and saying he won't go to treatment until the court forces him to. His mood swings are terrible lately and my nerves are shot.
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If he was acting like that to me, I wouldn't worry about how revoking his bond will affect him. You should not be treated like that. Period.

    by the way, Demi Moore was using Redi-whip cans to get high. It's called whip-its. I was amazed to learn that. My difficult child used to ask me to buy Redi-whip and I thought it was because she liked whipped cream.