Warning: Whining-AGAIN-but I miss my boy, don't miss the difficult child he has become...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Signorina, Mar 14, 2012.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am often left wondering where in hades did my boy go? Strikes me at the oddest moments...I was watching GMA and Diane Sawyer was interviewing Jaycee Duggard (kindnapping victim for countless years...)

    I remember watching similar stories and teaching my boys (difficult child especially, oldest kids seem to get the best of life lesson talks) that no matter where, no matter what, I would never stop looking for him, would never stop loving him, would never stop wanting him home (in the event he was kidnapped)

    Never imagined he would kidnap himself.

    And yes, I am achey, he is totally incommunicado, seems to have been assimilated into his girlfriend's life and family and has not looked back.

    Occasionally. I check his phone records and his girlfriend's fb page (I am restricted on his page) . Recently, there have been lots of phone calls between him and his girlfriend's dad. Her fb page states she is going on spring break to FL this week 15-25, and I wonder if he is going with her. That might explain why he wanted his golf clubs, plus break is over his birthday and I doubt she will let him out of her sight that long. And also on her page - a "family" picture from her mother's birthday at the end of Feb- complete with difficult child raising a glass in a toast. FWIW, in July he left town on my birthday - to go away for the week with her family. BITTER? Table for one.

    So I ache, I look like hell, I am overcome with work stress and family stress and my kid has a new family who is likely taking him on another vacation. His bottom is looking pretty good. I know I don't want him back in his difficult child state, but I miss my boy. And I am so struck that he apparently doesn't miss me.

    On a positive note, he did remember PC15s birthday last week and sent a gift and card - and a text to easy child. Thank goodness.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sig... you HAVE to hang on to the positive bits. They are still there... buried, somewhere. But just the fact that he remembered ANYTHING to do with family, is positive. The rest... takes time. WAY too much time, for most of us, but...
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Sig I'm so sorry you are hurting. I understand. I will try to say more when I can type without crying, but for now know that I am thinking of you often. I was just in Costco today thinking how I almost wish my difficult child would have no contact with us like yours, instead of allowing me back in her life and take everything I am willing to give her, all the while knowing she is on a collision course.

    I also want you to know how much I appreciate your support and what a blessing you (and everyone here) are to me.

  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((HUGS))) to all my fellow hurting moms...gosh I hate that we are all hurting so much right now. :(
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending understanding support your way. I know you miss him every day. Chances are he misses you too but just can't say it yet. Hugs DDD
  6. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Sig: I am sending lots of cyber HUGS to you, and to all the hurting moms on this board now. I am so sorry that you are having a terrible day, but I understand how you feel. I love the phrase that Nancy used, that our difficult child's are on a collision course, and there is not much that we can do. My h and I are not going to visit our difficult child when he is in jail, so our only contact with him is a 15 minute phone call from him a few times a week. I know that he is safe and off drugs now that he is in jail, but it is just so terribly sad to have our only son in jail. I know that I shouldn't do this, but I keep thinking of him in his cell, going through the lock downs, searches, not going outside at all for the past 3 weeks, etc, and it makes me so sad.

    I wish that all the hurting moms could have some peace in our lives. I will be sending caring thoughts to you today. from your friend...
  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I'm so sorry Sig. Moms are always the targets. We get blamed and treated horrible and yet we are the very ones to be there for these poops. I know it must hurt that he has taken to another family. I would whine too. You are doing so well in so many ways. When our sweet kids leave us and become difficult children it is a huge loss, and then when they leave us and don't even care about our feelings, it's another loss. These difficult children "die" over and over again. Who else sufferes so many losses of a child?

    Last night when difficult child was out so late, all I could do is worry she was at the bottom of the local river. We had a 15 year old murdered and dumped in that river a few days ago and it is so close to our house. At least he is not homeless or out on the streets. Yes, he has not hit his bottom, but I bet when he is older, he will come to his senses and figure out what he's done and what he lost by pulling away. (((Hugs)))
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    [no matter where, no matter what, I would never stop looking for him, would never stop loving him, would never stop wanting him home]

    I can so relate to this. But, as you said, he kidnapped himself. Or maybe the substances did it.

    Remember the illusion of a normal life is what you are seeing because an addict cannot ever have a truly normal life. You will never see a photo of the fight which might have come right after that picture was taken. YOU love him. YOU want the best for him. And think of how often you and he fought. Will it be any better with people who don't care as you do? No way....

    I'm praying for you and your family...
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Sig - hugs to you. It is so very hard and you have been clear and strong. A couple of thoughts... I don't think this situation you are in with your difficult child is forever... you still love him and always will and at some deep level he knows that and will want that.... and believe me I bet he will learn at some point that his "new" family really does not replace his old one. Because his gfgness, and his substance abuse is bound to get in his way again. He is on good behavior right now and they love him for it.... but if he is really using then that will cause him to behave in very difficult child ways... and if he screws them over in some way (like he has you) they will not be there for him like you have been. No one but his mother would accept him even with his bad behavior. I think it takes difficult children a while to learn this but they do.

    I think my son is slowly (oh so slowly) learning that his parents are the ones who continually are there for him and love him no matter what. And he is also learning we are not always there for him the way he wants... but in the end we do love him and want him to succeed.

    on the other hand he has not called me either... I have not heard from him for a month.... but even so in the whole scheme of life this is not forever.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I so badly hope he comes back to you. I wish I had advice...all I can do is offer the empathy of a mother whose son also took off, married some woman, and adopted her family and never looked back. I know how it can hurt so I don't think about the little boy who flew into my arms at the airport so many years ago when he arrived from Hong Kong. I don't check his FB or his wife's FB. There is no hope with him, but I think there is a lot of hope for you and your son. You raised him from birth, and I don't believe he will forget you forever nor do I believe this relationship will last forever. Kids tend to come home when they are hurting...and they remember the mom who was there to make it better, much as we remember the young boys who gave us kisses and flowers...You are not whining at all.

    Please take care of yourself and there is no reason to give up hope. One day at a time...
  11. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sending hugs your way. Sorry you are hurting so much.